The year that was almost too much...

This has been  such a crazy year.   Here are a few high lights:

• Hannah graduated from high school
• Kyle took a month long sabbatical from our church after a very trying summer
• Kyle and I have lost over 100 pounds between the two of us
• We opened a new storefront for our side business in downtown Navasota with our friends Angela and James
• My dad passed away
• Hannah moved out and into an apartment with her sister
• Hannah started her first year of college
• I stopped teaching Sunday School after teaching for the past 7 years (and many more years prior to that)
• I gave up most of my women's ministry responsibilities
• Kyle and I became empty nesters mid July
• Kyle and I opened our home to two young girls that needed  a place to live in mid September
• We became grandparents to miss Haddie Lynn in August

This is just a partial list- many other things I won't list just due to the fact that they are a little more personal.  I feel in many way like I have been on a 100 mile sprint.  

I am       just.  plain.   exhausted.

Daily, I am finding myself more and more in need of God.  In need of Him to quiet my spirit.  In need of Him to center me.  In need of Him to remind me of who is in control.  In need of Him to renew my strength.  In need of Him to encourage me.  In need of Him to  give me direction through his word and through his people.  I sometimes forget to look to Him, and I get very bogged down.  I get tired very quickly.  I become short and impatient.  I get in my flesh and don't exhibit His spirit.  This year has been a challenge.

I am thankful, though, for this year.  God has used it to stretch us, to grow us and to draw us closer to Him and to each other.  He has great plan for us.  I am so thankful that He is a God of second chances.  I am so thankful that He is a God that works all things together for my good.  I am so thankful for the people He has placed in my life to join in this journey with me.  In many ways, this year has almost been too much- bad and good.  God filters both and is surprised by neither.

That was totally a GOD thing!!

The journey to get Hannah McKay to college has been a winding one.  Samford...UMHB…LETU…Blinn…A&M…where would she go?  What would she study?  Marketing?  Education?  Coaching?  Physical Therapy?  Nursing?  Physician's Assistant?  Missionary?  Being good at several things and having a wide variety of interests makes it difficult to narrow down the field.    Recently Hannah began to realize that acting is something that she loves.  She is good at golf, and she was offered a position on the LeTourneau women's golf team, but the price tag was just too high.  She is good at sports and could coach most any girls sport there is, but it's not her passion.  She is a people person and used to help me sell apartments at the assisted living I worked at when she wasn't even in junior high, but marketing isn't her career choice.  Directing, acting, set design, costumes, script selection, casting…these things make Hannah happy.

So, the decision was made rather unceremoniously that she would move in with K'Lynn and live in Waco.  She would attend McClennan Community College and study theatre.  As a family, the whole situation made us feel a lot better, knowing she would be with her sister and that she would be near Ryan and Courtney too.  So many good things about the plan.  The school has a solid theatre department we were told, but we have not stepped on the campus yet.  Funny, because we toured LETU and even did a preview weekend at UMHB.  This seemed like God's plan and we had peace without sight.

The one act play season started and Hannah was selected with the lead in the play.  The show, "These Shining Lives", really went well.  They went to district and advanced.   Hannah was named Best Actress- a huge confidence boost for her and well deserved too.   The next step was bidistrict.  I was excited because I had arranged to see this one.  I missed the first one, and only made it to the awards ceremony.  We went last night and they performed.  The kids were nervous, but ready.  The stage was set and the lights went out.  We held our breath waiting for the lights to come up…………..and they did not.  They didn't.  Finally the house lights came on.  Hannah started her monologue and the play began.  The lights were off for about the first 10 minutes.  Finally they were back in synch and seemed ok most of the rest of the show.   They performed soooo very well!  I was enjoying every minute until K'Lynn whispered, "time?"  Oh…it had to be getting close, didn't it?  And then the lights went black.  Hannah was not finished delivering her last lines.  Everyone just knew she must have been disqualified.    They quietly left the stage.  They returned and tore down the set.  The next school came and set up.  The next school started.  We had to wait to find out….

An hour later, we were able to see the kids.  They were excited.  Time limit is 40:00.  Our time…39:59!!  Our computer controlled lighting cues had been erased.  That never happens.  Our student that runs the lights is a freshman. Our school doesn't really even have lights like this for him to learn on.   The way that he figured out how to manually run the lights in only about 10 minutes without any major problems was a miracle in itself.  The fact that he saw the time running out and killed the lights like he did, another miracle.  He  and God get lots and lots of credit for the success that was had yesterday.  We all got assembled back into the auditorium and waited for the judge to finish his decisions.

The judge…let's talk about him for a second.  I never know who the judges are when we come to these contests.  K'Lynn knows them sometimes, and today she said 'hey, the judge is going to be one of Hannah's professors at McClennan'.  Wow…what are the chances of that.  Hope he likes her, I thought.

The awards began.  Our crew got the best crew awards.  The judge knew what they had gone through and felt they deserved that award for thinking on their feet and overcoming so much.  Then Honorable Mention All Star Cast  was announced, and Madison and Hunter were named.  All Star Cast brought Hannah to the stage.  I was a little sad- really would have loved to see her get Best Actress again like she did in district.  Thankful for the recognition, though.  They then began to name the advancing plays.  First, a play we didn't see.  Had no idea if it was good or not.  Next, a play we had watched.  It was good.  A comedy, but done quite well.  Seemed like it took forever for each group to take the pictures and get their metals.  One spot remained…. our kids did not look hopeful though.  The  contest manager waited for the last student to clear the stage and front of the auditorium before she spoke.  "The final advancing school is……Anderson Shiro"!!!

Our kids erupted.  K'Lynn had brought 10 students with her and they jumped to her feet.  We yelled and cried and laughed and cheered.  The kids made their way to the stage and accepted their metals and awards.  I am not sure, but I think they all floated back to their seats.  Kyle and I usually stay for the critique, but this time we left to eat.  An hour later, Hannah called, so excited she couldn't stand herself.
The judge had loved her. He loved the show.  He appreciated the light problems they had.  He hardly took notes, but mainly just watched the show.  He enjoyed it, he said.  He asked Hannah where she was going to go to college…"McClennan" she answered. And what will you study?  "Theatre" she said.   His eyes lit up.  He gave her his card,  asked her if she knew they offered scholarships? (we did k now, but all of the deadlines had passed and you had to audition for them)  Could he get her email?  Of course she gave it to him right away.  He promised to send an email soon.

Such a good night, and this morning it continued.  Hannah did receive the email.  He included the application.  He said "Your performance last night will serve as your audition piece.  The scholarship will cover $xxxx per semester….."  He went on to say that he was excited to have her on the campus and looked forward to working with her.   Because the money has been such a big part of this equation, this scholarship will help in a huge way if she receives it. I know God has set all of this into motion for a reason and I am claiming it for her now!   As it would happen, since God is a god of cool twists and turns, K'Lynn had signed up to be a timekeeper at another UIL OAP contest today.  Guess who the judge was?  We got this text at 10 am:   "The judge said that in his heart of hearts he wanted to give you best actress yesterday, but the way the shows fell it just had to go to the other girl.  We just raved about you for twenty minutes.  He said you had natural talent coming out of your pores."  Always a funny one, Hannah replied "And all this time I just thought it was acne."

God is faithful  He has plans for our lives.  He plans include details we would never imagine and writes things into the scripts of our lives that make it rich and complex.  He loves us.  All of this is no coincidence.  That, that was totally a GOD thing!!!

What am I doing this fall?

I blogged a while back about Hannah and how she would always ask "what are we doing tomorrow?".  I miss those days.  Now the questions have so much more riding on them.  What in the world is she doing this fall???

She was accepted at UMHB....but couldn't play golf there.  She was accepted at LeTourneau and could play golf there, but we found out last night that we really couldn't really pay for it.  Last night as I tucked her in, there were tears because she was so overwhelmed.  What in the world will I do? she asked.  She had no  direction...she was very depressed. 

This morning she woke up with the same questions.  We talked and then we got back to the idea of junior college at Blinn.  Our constant fall back.  And living with Emily in College Station in her new townhouse.  Not sure how we'd afford it, but we would manage, I am sure.  But that didn't seem to be the right answer somehow.  Not just that it wasn't what she wanted to do, but more than that... I dont' know what the problem was exactly.

She took a deep breath in and spoke.  "I just keep going back to...theater.  I know part of it is because we're in the middle of one act season and because I just got best actress, but I am good at it and I enjoy it."  I said, "Then why don't you just do Blinn for a year and then...."  "No, that doesn't get me anywhere unless I want to live in Brenham" she said.  "I don't have anyone in Brenham".  Sad really...she did have someone.  Dillon had been her someone and broke up with her almost a year ago.  Left her last spring, just drove  away and never looked back.  Hard to understand and harder to forgive.  But, easier to take when  you trust God and His plan for her.  Anyway, she was right.  No one in Brenham to room with, no one to hang out with, no one to connect with.  She then said, "But what about McClennon Community College  and living with K'Lynn in Waco?"  I said "Do they have a theater program at MCC?"  "Yes, they actually have a good one" she said, "but do you think I could actually live with K'Lynn? "  "Hmmm....you two might just kill each other!" I replied.   "Or", she said, "we might just have the best time."   Yep...that felt right. 

She immediately called her sister and was greeted with a squeal and an excited conversation followed.  We had discussed this as a possibility, months ago.  K'Lynn had said she would move into a 2 bedroom apartment and we could pay the difference in the rent.  We talked about her being able to share other expenses with K'Lynn and how nice that would be.  Later in the morning, I texted Hannah and asked about sending a deposit to UMHB, which we had discussed the night before.  She asked me not to send the deposit now.  She felt good about it.  She has a new direction.  Not sure what will happen after that, but  for now, she has a new idea of what she is doing this fall..  

The gift...

Have you ever been given a gift, but didn't recognize it at the time as that?  This has happened to me and I am really only seeing it this way now- years later.

My history with my dad is well doumented.   We have not had  a good relationship, well, ever I guess.  I have blogged about how he didn't want to see us come to Anderson because it was a 'dead end town' and that he felt it was a poor choice.  When my mom moved in with me, he stayed in Queen City.  I felt like we were a safe distance away and that maybe we wouldn't have to deal with him for a while.  My brother was right there.  I had mom- he could handle dad, right?  You would have thought so.  Somehow that really never worked out and dad had one health crisis after another.  A heart attatck, a stroke, a broken hip, a move to the nursing home...the hits kept on coming.

When dad moved to the nursing home in Texarkana, he was there for quite a while.  Several months I guess.  He had more health issues, ended up in the hospital again, just almost died, and I began to question how much my brother was looking after my dad.  At the time, I was very judgemental of that.  I could not understand why he never seemed to find time to check on dad.  Even now I still don't, although I do get it a little more than I did then.

When mom had been here 2 years, she was finally ready.  I had been asking her if Dad might be able to be moved to Navasota, less than 10 miles from us.  At first, she said no.  She was scared he would pressure her or expect too much of her.  Over time, though, she realized my brother was not checking on him at all and that he was all alone there.  In March, 2013, she had him moved.   He adjusted pretty quickly to his room, the roommate he had (still has), the nurses, the routine...everything.  He has done really well.  His health has improved 1000%  His attitude has as well.  He is close enough that my sister can come see him.  My brother has been here I think twice.
 ((( Whatever...that is another whole blog post that we're not addressing today.  )))

So, here is the gift part.  My relationship with my dad is so much better today than it has ever been.  I sat at his bedside yesterday for about an hour and actually enjoyed the time.  He had been told that he would be getting a wheelchair soon.  He has not had one up until now- long story, but true.  I mentioned to him that once he had this, he would be able to come to our house and even to see our church.  He said "You know, I think my letter is at First Baptist Queen City.  I think I would like to become a member of y'all's church."....  floored me.  Not sure that this will ever happen.  Not sure I will be able to handle it if it does.  Recognizing this as this gift that it is.  Thankful.  Be blessed.

Crazy little thing called love...

Love has had so many different meanings to me during the 46 years I have been on this earth.  When I was young, I loved toys or candy  or certain TV shows.  As a teenager, I thought I "loved" several  young men- many of which never even knew I existed.  While still a teenager, I was blessed to have had a glimpse of love when I met Kyle and God allowed this to mature into what I know today as love.  So thankful I was given that chance at the tender age of 14.

As I grew older and we had a family, love came to mean different things.  Without a doubt, I loved K'Lynn, Ryan and Hannah as each of them were born.  I loved the father that Kyle grew to be over the years.  I loved how he nurtured our children and showed love to them.  My heart expanded to include love for a niece, several nephews, brothers in law, sisters in law, friends, children of friends, church members...the list was long.

About 3 years ago, I realized that I had added a few people to my family list, and therefore the list of those that I love.  Don't know when it happened, because it was gradual.  This included a couple of extra sons, their wives, their children, a friend I loved like a sister, her family, and an extra set of parents I picked up along the way. Bobby  had lived with us for many years.  His wife Freda and their kids were part of our clan.  We don't see them often, but they are definitely included when I think of our family.   Andrew and Kim, Audra and Austen- nearly blood.  Definitely count Kim and Drew as my own.   Those babies couldn't be much more a part of my life than they are. Love... Yes, that's the right word.  Kristi...what do I even say about her and how she became my best friend?  That, in itself, is a whole book.  I love her and her family, feel so blessed to know them.  Mrs. Jan and Mr. Mitchell- the parents Kyle and I didn't have when we moved to Hempstead in 1997.  There for us no matter what, faithful friends and running buddies- love them like family for sure.  We lost Mr. Mitchell to pancreatic cancer this year.  I miss him...

This thing called love...how do you explain it?  How do you sum it up in a few words or in a paragraph?  It must be experienced.  It must be lived.  It must be felt.  It is truly a crazy thing, and I am so very thankful for it.

The year we had her....

Hannah is a senior this year.  I always imagined her senior year with a guy involved, I guess, because she has always dated in high school. Her freshman and sophomore years, she dated Carson.  These were sweet years and I remember them so fondly.  His family became a part of ours and is to this day.  It was a great way for her  to start experiencing love.  Her junior year, she dated Dillon.  It was fun going to the state football playoffs with his team and having their birthday party together.  Lots of fun memories of the times spent with both of those fellows.  I didn't know what to expect from this senior year though.

She started the year without a boyfriend.  She immersed herself into all of the activities of the year.  She played volleyball, she played basketball for two weeks, she left basketball and concentrated on golf.  We made senior overalls, she auditioned for one act play and got the lead.  She directed another school play.  She chose a college, and then chose another one...and then another one. :-). She has been a busy girl.  She has lots of friends that are male, but no boyfriends.  I thought about this often and wondered how she was doing.  She seemed fine, so I didn't worry. 

As this year has gone month after month, and she has remained single,  I have come to a realization.  This year is a gift from God to her Daddy and me.  This is the last year we really will have with her.  She has experienced love in the past, and will again.  She had known infatuation, and will again.  She knows what it is to sit up late talking and laughing on the phone with the one you love...but this year we have had the absolute pleasure of her company.  She has gone with us places we might not have had her with us otherwise.  She has spent time with us we didn't have before.  She has been less distracted by her phone and by texts.  Nothing against the boys or those times...it is part of the experience. I am just so thankful for the time we have had these past 8 or 9 months.

Graduation will be here in a blink.  She will go off to college (if she can ever decide where!) and God will begin to show her what His ultimate plans are for her and who they involve. There is time for all of that. For now, though, I will cherish the year that we had her.

The Pecans...

Many years ago, I learned how to make the simplest things- spiced pecans.  5 ingredients:  pecans, egg whites, sugar, salt and cinnamon- that is all there is to them.  Bake them slowly and turn them often...delicious. Over the years, I have shared these with a few friends that have come to love them and I have come to enjoy making them for them.  It is my way of expressing love to them in a very tangible way.   If I make these for you...you are special indeed.

I have always loved showing love to my family through food.  With Ryan, it is yellow cake with chocolate frosting.  For Kyle, it is green box spaghetti and purple hull peas.  K'Lynn- she loves chicken and rice.  Hannah's favorite would probably be....well, I am not even sure.  She and I love food together, so there are several things that she would feel loved by.  Probably anything from the Pioneer Woman cookbook...like Macaroni and Cheese or Blackberry Cobbler. OR actually it would be Caramel French Toast.  Yeah...that's it.  For my father in law, I make him breakfast casserole every time we go to visit.  It is so much easier to cook for some people to say "I love you and I value you" than it is to just say the words.  Memories are built into each bite.  The smells, the taste, the texture...all part of it.  I don't mind the idea of being remembered fondly either!

So, I made pecans this week for my sweet friends.  They are going through a hard time in several ways.  I miss them.  I wanted to show them support.  This morning, 2 1# bags were mailed out to their home.  A little hug from Anderson to their zip code.  Hope it helps in some small way.  Pecans and prayers.  That's all I have to offer right now.  :-)

Feelings are real, but complicated

Feelings are real.  They belong to the person who feels them.  They are also very complicated at times.  Feelings cause us to explode, or to bottle up; to love, or to hate; to rush, or to pause; to cry, or to laugh.  They cause us to take sides, be loyal, to love unconditionally, and to trust.  They can also cause us to be cautious, to be wary of, to fear and to swear 'never again'.  Feelings are individual, until shared.  While in my own head and heart, they are safe, unseen, untested, and just for me.  Once I begin to share them with someone else, I am vulnerable.  I won't just throw them out there. I have to be sure.  If I read the person wrong, I have been exposed and am subject to their ridicule or rejection.  I know what I want, but I am not sure what you want...and I am not brave enough yet to show all of my cards.  

This is true in any relationship.  Husbands and wives, dating or wanting to, friends and enemies, co workers, social relationships...whether it be a large issue or a small one.  The rules are the same.  I must feel things out before I speak.  I will send out tests to see how they are received and proceed based on this.  I need to know that it is safe before I jump in.

I am thankful that I have come to a place where I trust in one person.  For 32 years, he has been  listening to me, allowing me to work through situations without judgement, and loving me the whole time.  I pray that everyone can find that one.  It is scary at first.  Timing is everything.  Stops and starts are ok, but getting into rhythm is key.  God has a plan.  Seek Him to discover it.  Be intentional- be part of it.  Be brave and put yourself out there.  Everyone else is as scared as you are- at least at first.  

Be blessed.

Saying goodbye....

Said goodbye to a precious friend this week.  I cannot imagine anyone that has impacted my life more than Mr. Gayle Mitchell did.  From the first time we met 18 years ago to today, he was a friend, mentor, father figure,  stand in grandfather for my kids, traveling companion,chauffeur, and a million other things to me and to my family.  His wife is one of the Godliest women I have ever met, and together they have brought more souls to the kingdom than any other couple I personally know.  They have invested in the kids of Hempstead through "Kingdom Kids", "Children's Choice Daycare" and later through Jubilee Ranch.  They have been true ministers of the gospel- God's hands and feet in their town.  He will be missed by so many...

I went to the doctor's appointment  with Mr. Mitchell, Mrs. Jan and his daughter Ann in the fall of 2013 when he was diagnosed.  The oncologist said that even with treatment, his life expectancy was 3-10 weeks...that didn't give him enough time to get to Christmas.  It was such a sad day.  Very matter of fact, "this is pancreatic cancer and this is how it goes", and the doctor was very sympathetic.  We left in a bit of shock.  I went with Mrs. Jan to the store to get a notebook so that she could keep up with his treatments, times for medications, etc...  We thought we didn't have much time at all.   At the same time, people began to pray.  Prayer chains that spanned the whole country were activated.  People prayed for his comfort, for more time, and for a miraculous healing.  He began chemo and God began his own treatments on the cancer growing in Mr. Mitchell's body.   For many weeks,  he attended chemo and doctor's appointments.  He had scans and tests, he had blood work and he lost weight.  He began to look very different and it was a little confusing.  While we expected him to begin to wither away, he actually got healthier.  While the doctors did more scans looking for the cancer to spread to other organs, they  actually showed the tumors getting smaller.  He did have bad days, he did require a hospital stay or two, and he did struggle with some side effects from the chemo.  It wasn't an overnight kind of thing, but he got better instead of worse.  After several months, the doctor just shook his head and said something like "We have no idea why you are still here- just keep doing what you are doing!".  God was giving Mr. Mitchell more time...

That time was not wasted in any way.  Each week, new things were being done at their ranch.  An in-ground pool was put in for campers to enjoy.  The kitchen had a cook's cabin added.  A new art studio was put in.  Legal matters were attended to and things were put in place so that Mrs. Jan would be in good shape whenever the day did come when Mr. Mitchell was gone.  All in all, many people worked faithfully for months to give Mr. Mitchell the peace of knowing that Jubilee Ranch was going to continue  on as his legacy when he was gone.

We saw him in the hospital two weeks before he died.  He was in pain.  He was sicker than he had been before.  His liver was failing.  His time was short.  He went home on hospice and the countdown began.  He was moved to the living room in a hospital bed so that he could be a part of what was going on as long as he could.  Kyle and I went to visit with him one evening about a week before he died.  We talked about trips we had taken together.  We talked about our kids, which he and Mrs. Jan had such a big part in raising with us.  We laughed about funny times and we discussed details of things that Mr. Mitchell needed taken care of.  We asked if there was anything else that we could do for him so that he wouldn't worry.  His response will stay with me..."I am not worried about anything at all".  He had complete faith and confidence in his relationship with Christ.  He didn't have a care in the world...he knew his reward was soon at hand.  As we left, I stood up and kissed him on the head.  "I love you so very much" I told him.  We didn't use those words too often, as they were understood.  I felt completely comfortable telling him this, though.  I knew they were the last words I would say to him and I wanted to have no regrets of words unspoken.  Kyle stayed inside for just a few more minutes to talk with Mr.s Jan, but I walked out.  I had to.  I got in my car and sobbed.  I cried for the loss of this precious man.  I cried for the memories of his kindness and example.  I cried for Mrs. Jan and the loss of her best friend in the world.  When Kyle got into the car, I didn't stop crying right away.  I didn't have to- he totally understood.  We talked a little bit and remembered sweet things about the many, many things the Mitchell's had done for us over the years.  It was a quiet ride, full of lots of tears wiped away and sniffling.  After 31 years together,  it is so nice to know that Kyle and I can be 100% real in front of each other.  

Mr. Mitchell lived another week and I saw him once more.  Kyle saw him almost daily.  He was surrounded by family and friends and felt the love and support of each one of them.  On the morning he died, Mrs. Jan was right by his side.   She showed strength through this that amazed me.  She is truly an incredible woman...Gayle was always proud of her and would be to this day.   The memorial service was Friday.  So many wonderful friends and family members gathered  together to celebrate the life of Mr. Mitchell.  Kyle spoke with such love and admiration for this man that molded him more than anyone may have known.  I said that the service  was a celebration of a life well lived...and it was.  I sure miss you Mr. Mitchell.  You were one of my best friends.  I cannot wait to see you again someday.  It was a honor to be a part of your life.