The piece just slid into place...

So, my dad had a stroke. For those familiar, I have never had much of a relationship with him. Leaving home at 16, I was spared some of his worst years, but the damage was more than done with the time served up to that point. The only thing I ever wanted was for him to love my mother. Not say the words...do the work. Work hard, respect her, provide for her, desire more for her and our family than he had growing up, you know- love her. I never felt that any of those things were done. I also grew to resent (greatly) his weight. He was sloppy, obese, and in my opinion, just stopped trying long ago. He couldn't find a job and I don't rembember him trying either. When the recession hit in the 1980s, I can remember being on free lunches and having people from our church bringing care baskets so that we'd have food. I remember one Christmas when my best friend gave me a pair of brand new blue jeans... one of the only pairs I remember having. Best gift ever, but embarassing that she had to provide them to me. I know she and her mom were blessed by giving them to me, but I was proud even then.

OK, back to the story. I left home and started my own family at 16. I hadn't had a good example of a loving marriage to pattern this after, so we just plunged in and did the best we could. Actually, thanks to a Godly husband, we did very well...24 1/2 years so far! My sister and mother would keep me informed of the ongoing problems at home. I busied myself with my own family...no time to look back- not yet. Over the years, I would look at my own dear husband and thank God for the differences I recognized in him and my own father. No comparison really, except for the fact that they both had been called at one point into minstry. Kyle, obedient and faithful to his call...my dad, not so in my eyes. I have always felt that he failed. I wondered why my mom had married him, asking her to leave him more than once over the past many years. She cited religious reasons for staying, but this was just a cop out in my eyes. God hadn't been honored by their marriage in many years, so this was just a technicality.

So, if we've established how bad things are now, let's move forward. To a few months ago when my dad became ill. Mom had been busy working and hadn't really checked on him much. She never does...it's just how they roll. He had been sick, but since he's a complainer and 'enjoys poor health', she didn't pay any attention when he didn't get out of his chair for more than a day. Finally he fell and coudn't get up...ambulance ride to the hospital. Severe dehydration...rhabdo from the muscles not moving for hours and hours...long stay at the hospital. I pulled strings and go the case manager (an old friend) to talk to him about rehab. NO was the answer, "I have things to take care of" and don't have time was the response. I knew what this meant- he owed someone money. I had no idea who or how much (we would find out later ), but this wasn't an acceptable answer to me. I called him to request his permission to have the arrange transport to the rehab...that call got ugly. I threatened, he rerfused, and I didn't call their home for 8 weeks. I got very angry...even angrier when I never received a call from their home during that whole time. I finally gave up and called...he hadn't even realized that I hadn't been calling. So much for punishment.

Now we are in November and he has the stroke. When something like this happens in a healthy marriage, it strains things for sure. When this happens in a disfunctional family, look out. All of the ugly came out! My mom was angry...he should have taken better care of himself...he can't come home like this...he is trying to be an invalid...on and on. He, on the other hand, just wanted to come home..."I'm not going to mess with rehab"... IMPASS. Neither would talk to the other, no communication exept from my mom to me. Finally, she made the first move by threatening to leave him if he didn't go to rehab. I called th case manager to report this...then I called him. I don't know where the calm in my voice came from. Well, I do, but it still suprised me. I laid it all out. I told him that this was his only chance to save his marriage. He had to go to rehab. She would leave and we would support her in that if she did...he got the message. It was a long and wierd call in which I told him that I didn't know where they had gotten off track , but that God was the only hope they had. I told him that whatever the obligations were that were keeping him from agreeing to go needed to be laid out for all to see...no more secrets! Little did I know what I was asking for.

Total of almost $6000 in pay day loans...that was the big secret. Worked with mom to get a personal loan and she went from sleazy joint to sleazy joint paying these all off. He got off easy, but that is really what grace is about. She was angry...so angry...but I kep reminding her that it was not fair for us to say "tell us everything" and then to say "ok, but this is more than I wanted to deal with". God takes us warts and all...we must receive each other the same way. I cannot imagine the weight that was lifted off of their (his) shoulders.

Dad is home now... things seems good. Mom even bought herself a new wedding band from him for Christmas. Such symbolism there...progress. Both are a little nervous, learning to trust again. Prayer for the old demons to stay away. Seems like the piece just slid into place ...it had been missing for so long.

Shame on me!

It has been HOW long since I posted here? Now that's too long!! More things have happened than I could possibly remember to write down. What a waste...so many good things I will wish I had recorded. Let's see if I can recall any of them? Well, most recently, we had Christmas. We went to McLeod and Queen City and to the ER with Kyle. He had his first (please God let it be his LAST) kidney stone. No fun for him at all...lots of worry for me! So glad that is over. He passed it today around noon.

My dad had a stroke just after Thanksgiving. Mom called early the Saturday after Thanksgiving and told me. She needed me to get him to be cooporative with the EMS guys. He was being his usual, beligerent self. I told him he had to go, he finally agreed. The rest of the story is really long and I will save it for another post. Let's just say that God really showed up and showed off in this situation. Very wierd and wonderful...all at the same time. Reminded me of how thankful I am that someone gave me the advise to never go to bed mad. Don't start off taking each other for granted and you wil never find yourself where my parents found themselves...45 years into a terrible mess with only God to bail them out. Thankfully it seems He has.

Nite...too tired to write it all down!

Flat on your back...

You know, you jus tnever know how things are going to go. Saturday, up and moving, getting stuff done, hanging out with family, tackling that project that I'd been putting off- the storage building. Finished working out there, got a lot done and headed home. By evening, my back started feeling a little stiff. By bedtime I couldn't lay down without feeling the tightness with every turn. Slept ok (Tylenol PM!!) and woke up flat on my back- for the day. Heating pads, advil, hot bath, the whole routine. Here I am now, 10 pm and still hurting... how will I make it tomorrow?? I hope this will ease up- I am pretty pitiful right now!!

what a week...

Last night, I had a vivid dream. In the dream, he called our house. He asked that both of us get on the phone. He said "I have to talk to you both. I have realized that I was so competely wrong. I don't know what else to say other than that. I don't know how you would ever be able to forgive me. I know that what I did to you is really just unforgivable. I don't expect you to forgive me, but I would love to ask that you listen without hanging up." I began to cry...in my dream...it was all I really wanted. I don't want to go back to ABQ. I don't want to be under his influence any more. I don't want him to tell my husband how little he is worth and to make him wonder if he is good enough. God says he is, I say he is, our children, our church and our community say he is...that is all that matters.

When I woke up and realized it had only been a dream, I was sad. I wished so much that it could have been true. I wish that there was some way for things to be better. You invest so much in others when you think they are going to be in your life forever. There was a time that I thought we would be grandparents together. There was a time that I trusted him with my spiritual life. Now I know better on so many different levels. I wish my kids had never had to go through this experience, but I know they are better for it somehow. I am thankful for the ones God has put in their place. There will never be another famiy like them for us, because we won't ever allow ourselves to be that close to anyone else. Sad really...but necessary.

I love it when we get to decorate!!

Well, I pulled out the fall and Thanksgiving holiday decorations for the church tonight. I have really enjoyed getting to do the decorating at the church since we got her. The church has so much character and looks really cool when it is decorated for the holidays. In the front, there is a display of fall flowers and leaves along with several different pumkins and gourds.. I think they look pretty neat. In the fellowship hall, there are candelabras on each table with orange candles for fall. Tomorrow we are hoping to have 100 people in worship. It is NOT about the numbers, but the challenge. I will be thrilled if there are our usual 65 people here, but 100 would be great too! OK, gotta hit the hay- must make a lot of pancakes for breakfast tomorrow!!

Overload!

I have had an emotional and mental overload in the last week. Between a sick child, a car with a blown engine, and a daughter that survived a pretty serious wreck, I was running on fumes. I was trying really hard to just lean back in the arms of Jesus, because on my own I was beyond finished. To top all of this off, I went to Hannah's game last night and drove home in the absolute worst weather I have ever driven in. Since K'Lynn had just wrecked her mustang on a rainy morning, the idea of driving Kyle's in the rain wasn't really appealing to me. It takes me a little while to get over these things, even though I wasn't the driver in the wreck. SO here I am with Hannah driving home on this horrible night. It was raining so hard that I couldn't see anything ahead of me other than the reflectors on the road. I was so tense that I was in knots. Many times we hit deep sections of water over the whole road and I just knew we were goners. All I could think of was having to file another insurance claim! Finally we made it home and I sure was relieved. IF I were a drinker, I would have sure wanted one at that point!! (Let me clarify- I am not a drinker!!)

What I figured out through all of this is that God was trying to remind me of something important. He has a plan for us in a situations. Nothing gets past Him. He filters everything. When I am confused and think things are going too fast, they are actually going right at His pace. I have to let go and give Him the wheel. When I do this, the overload disappears. Sounds easy, huh? Yeah... I know it is much easier said than done. Still true, but very difficult.

Super busy Saturday

Today was just super busy. Did too many things to list here. Main accomplishment is that I went to my 2nd Weight Watchers meeting and was actually down 3 pounds. I have done this once before for 3 weeks or so. I did loose weight that last time, but had a personal tradgedy that knocked me for a loop and made me quit. This time I must stick with it. Plan has been easy...just have to stay on track with the points.

So many things I could mention here, but it is late and I am whooped. Ya'll have a good night!

So many other possibilities...

Got a call early yesterday morning. I wasn't ready for work yet- I was still drying my hair. Hannah was still home sick and Kyle was still in bed. K'Lynn was on the other end, her voice a little frantic. "Mom, I just had a wreck...I am on 1774, not quite to Plantersville, the airbag went off, I was trying to pass a truck and lost control." In that moment, my normal Thursday morning switched into a Lifetime movie. Wake up Kyle, wake up Hannah, throw on clothes, jump in the car. She called back and asked if they should call an ambulance? Yes, I said (not seeing her), have them come. OK... Driving....getting closer....not sure what we'll see. I know she is alert and oriented since I talked to her, but not sure still what I'll find. Rainy morning, very gray skies, lots of water on the road...recipe for a wreck.

We drove up to find her sitting on the rain soaked ground with rain falling on her uncovered head. She was drenched. She stood up and came to me (arms and legs working- check!). She fell apart as soon as she hit my embrace. I know that type of crying...it represents relief, grief, a thousand different feelings. I know it is something I've only experienced a couple of times in my life. It is tough to go through and you won't forget it any time soon.

We did all of the normal 'after a wreck' things...provide insurance, get a ticket, pick a wrecker service, have the EMTs check you out and decide not to go to the hospital, on and on. At the end of the experience, we all got back into the car and drove home, very thankful for the happy ending. There could have been so many other possibilities...some of which would have changed our lives forever. I was not prepared for that. God provided His Holy Spirit to comfort all of us during this expereince. We were not alone. I am thankful for that. I am thankful K'Lynn is still here...don't want to imagine my world without her!!! Now...what do we do about this wrecked car????

Sick children...

Well, today was a little different. I got up, got completely ready for work and then checked on Hannah. I knew she was sick. Kyle had to pick her up from school early the day before and the flu is running rampantly through our school. Anyway, she had been puny all night and I was hoping just to keep her at home with indirect supervision from Kyle. No such luck. She came out and complained of feeling hot. I checked her head- it was warm. Temp 99.8...certainly not earth-shattering, but significant since it was early in the day. Called my boss, cleared the day to work from home and take her to the doctor. Called the clinic, got the only appointment available which was 4:50 pm with Doc Baker. We love him...such an awesome and Godly man.

Back to my room, changed out of my work clothes. Dishes and breakfast for Kyle and Hannah- check. Work a little on the lead center- check. Medicate the child- check. Not much longer, the call from the clinic came saying there was an open time at 1:50. Good... my day just sped up! I didn't want to bring her in that late anyway!

Arrive at the clinic right on time. Didn't wait too long, especially considering the number of flu cases they have had this week and today even. Dr. Baker came in and it was a little like a reunion for a few minutes. He hadn't seen Hannah since she was probably 7 or so. I hadn't seen him since then either, but I used to work there at the clinic so we knew each other pretty well. He has such a gentle way with the kids. Everyone loves him and he is a good doctor also. Nice combination. Based on the list of complaints, he decided that it probably wasn't the flu. Probably a "viral upper respiratory infection" that can really imitate the flu other than the high fever. He didn't do a flu swab, but if her fever gets much higher we would. Gave her some cough syrup with Phenergan and Codeine to help with the cough and the nausea. Old fashioned cure, but it usually works.

Now home and her fever has climbed to 101.7. She is achy, a little whiney, and now medicated. Watching Twilight (for the 1000th time) and just chillin. Hate that I missed work, but you know- these days are fleeting. She won't care if I'm around when she is sick much longer. I need to soak this up. Fleeting...fleeting...fleeting. Thank you God for my family. Thank you for the wonderful blend of personalities, talents, and strengths. What a great life I have been given.

Positive changes

I am trying to make some positive changes. Eating better, sleeping better hours, better communication skills, exercising a little bit...need to live another 55 years or so, you know? So, I started going to Weight Watchers on Saturday. I am tracking my points online and making good choices. I am finding some foods that I really like, even though I never would have tried them without the diet plan. I am avoiding foods that are so familiar with me I think of them as family (like Coca Cola...sniff, tear, sniff). I am learning now to put myself into situations that would normally challenge my new rules. There are some real triggers for me, like the drive thru window (who wants a bottled water with a good hamburger? wait- can I have hamburgers??) and the movies (HAVE TO HAVE COKE AND POPCORN AND MILK DUDS!!!). I have to try to avoid these. Some things are really helping, though. Route 44 Ice Water with Extra Ice- only 50 cents at most Sonics. One of these will almost get me through the whole day. Much cheaper than all of those $2 cokes I was drinking!! So many things in my life I need to get a handle on. This is just one of them. I do look so forward to wearing smaller clothes. I look forward to being able to walk long distances without being so winded I can't talk. I look forward to wearing cool clothes that I feel so confident in. Those days will come. It may take a little while, but they will come. I am 40 years old. This won't be any easier later- I need to do it now!!!

Best laid plans...

Well, I worked through lunch today so that I could leave early. Had to go to Hannah's volleyball game. So, I left work at 3:30, raced home and got here at 4:29. Potty run and back in the car by 4:33. Drove as fast as I could, got there by 5:30. That is good time for driving from Anderson to Centerville. The games normally start at 4:30 (and hers is the 3rd set of games) , but tonight one of the games was cancelled. This moved everything up considerably, hence the rush.

We get to the gym and see Hannah sitting on the bench (this coach leaves her out the WHOLE first game EVERY TIME- hacks me off!) as usual. She looked mad...I thought because she was on the bench. Game began and went great- they won! As the game ended, though, something odd happened. Instead of begining a 2nd game, the 8th graders took the floor. WHAT? I am confused. Hannah comes over and looks totally disgusted. Still I am confused...guess what this means- we missed the first game. AND for the first time in her short little 7th grade VB career, the coach started her out in the first game. Of Course she did! Since I was driving 80 mph the 80 miles to get there! UUGGGHHHH. I must be the worst mother in the world.

Do I get credit for trying??????????????????

Sweet suprise...

Got a sweet suprise this weekend...Bubba came home. He's been living with Mawmaw and Pawpaw, so we don't see him too much these days. Don't worry, he isn't there because anything is wrong.. he just got a job with his uncle and this works out well. His expenses are very little, just gas from time to time. He gets great time with his grandparents and good home cooking. His sweet doggy, Macks, is there with him. This keeps him from feeling so lonely, I think. I wish he could live here, but honestly there is just not enough space. His double bed is set up in my dining room for times just like this, but 5 people and 1 1/2 baths just doesn't cut it. Not to mention only 2 bedrooms. God certainly blessed us with this house when we moved in, but I wish we had more space. The location is PRIMO (just across the street from the church), but space is always an issue. Oh well...my God shall provide all my needs according to his riches in glory, right?!!

So, back to the visit. I had been scheduled to sing special music this morning at church. Don't sing much anymore, but I do love to sing. I totally lost my confidence when we had a change in music ministers a few years back. Later, a move to another church and a really bad experience with the music minister there basically kept me from singing for years. Sad really... I am not a good singer, but I did always enjoy it at least. SO, last night when Bubba asked me what I was singing and offered to work on something with me- I was really excited! He is pretty good on the piano (self taught, just like all the other things he does so well...jealous!!) and we managed to put together a slowed down version of "I am resolved". It was pretty good! I forgot a couple of words and sang really loud (I do not have a volume control, I guess!), but otherwise it was ok.

God has a way of giving us those little sweet suprises sometimes. The other great part of this weekend was that Andrew preached. It was his first real sermon and I just thought he did a GREAT JOB!!! I am as proud of him as I am of my other 3 kids. He is one of mine too, in my heart. Thanks, God...I needed this!!!

bottled up

I feel so anxious tonight. I don't really know why. I feel physically kinda rough. I am emotionally pretty tired. I feel a lot of pressure regarding cleaning my house and getting everything done. I am supposed to start going to weight watchers again tomorrow morning. I have eated like a PIG all day- not sure if it is a last hurrah or just my own lack of self control. I have a headache and my face is broken out. I have horrible cramps and wish I could go to bed right now. I discovered one of the windows near the door is cracked. I can't fit any of my clothes. Need I go on? I am exhausted.

Know what is funny? Despite all of this...no matter what this list of gripes contains, I feel very content and satisfied. I know that God is in charge of my life. I know that the weight I hate so much is exactly where God has me right now for whatever reason. I know that cramps pass eventually and tomorrow will look and feel a lot better. I know that the dirty house I live in is just part of life sometimes. I know that the good out-weighs the bad in my life ALWAYS.

Lets list the good things (in NO particular order!!):

• I got a new haircut and I think I like it.
• I have cheap rent and a very quaint old house.
• HOUSE starts Monday night (!!)
• My checking account isn't in the red!!!
• My husband LOVES me- despite all of the things listed at the top of this entry.
• I have AMAZING children- all 3 of them and for very different reasons.
• I am married to my best friend
• I love my sister and am so glad she is my best female friend.
• God loves me and has a plan for me
• Jesus died for my sins.

Long enough...good outweighs bad every time!

Crazy messy life...

I have such a crazy, messy life. One day I can have most of my things in order- bills paid on time, laundry caught up, living room straightened up, etc... I am not too bad at this being a mom thing! I have finally gotten the hang of this...I think... But the next day, though, I come home to find total disorder. Shoes in every room, dishes stacked up in the kitchen sink, and a past due notice from some forgotten debtor. I then begin to feel that I must be a failure... Why would I have ever though that I was getting better at this assignment God has given me? I obviously stink at it! Tonight was a good example of this.

Worked from home yesterday. I did cook supper and had a lot of dishes (and I mean A LOT) left from this event. I had open house last night at the school and therefore wasn't home. Also, a last minute trip to Walmart stole more of my evening. Up early this morning and out the door. I had hoped to be home by 5 pm, but a change in appointments moved that time to 7 pm. I got here and supper was ready(thanks Sissy!), but not much else had changed. Laundry still piled up... lots of dishes still dirty (Sissy did many of them, in her defense), and me without any energy. I just want to go to bed, if I was honest. I am tired, I am achy, and I am a little grumpy! I want to be better than this...I need to be better than this...

I want to get this all in order soon. I need to clean the house (again)...I need to do the laundry (again)... I need to get organized (for the first time!)...I need to feel like I am in control!
Now that I have written this, I immediately see the problem. I need to feel like I am in control??? I can't control my own appetite, much less my whole life!! I need to put God back in the driver seat. Would that mean that I would always come home to a clean house? No... Would this mean I would never get behind on laundry or dishes? No...Or that I would never forget to send in a payment? Oh no. BUT it might mean that I can keep these things in perspective. That I can relax a little bit and not worry so much about the little details. Maybe that I can worry more about being the person Christ wants me to be and less about the person the world tells me to be. I want to get this right. I really need to work on this... I will keep you posted on my progress.

Changing gears

This is the first Monday that I haven't had to rush out of the house in so long I don't remember. Today I am "officing from home", a concept I love! The time is my own to manage. Get up and work in your bathrobe? OK. Want to go grab lunch at 11:00 and then work through the noon hour? OK. Just a few rules: get the work done and be on the 3 pm conference call. OK. I could get used to this!

Very different from the job I just left. The job that constantly told me how poorly I could manage my own time. The job that expected me to be out the door before 7 am on Mondays to drive down into Houston for a meeting that was pointless and discouraging. Weekly being told that the contacts weren't enough, the job wasn't being done well, the place was going to fall down if we didn't step up the pace, etc!!!!! On and on. I dealt with this pretty well, but when the admin then asked for daily "here is what I am going to be doing all day" calls and mid day"here is what I have done so far/ here is what I will be doing this afternoon" emails, followed by evening emails announcing "here is what I did all day"...see the pattern here????? Oh my goodness...I am tense again just writing about this!!

I know there is no utopia in the world of work. I know there is a reason why they call it "work"- it does involve actual activities. Not just getting my nails done, not just shopping, etc... I can deal with that. I think , though, that there is some balance in this world that I want to find.

I'll keep you posted- this is only week number 3!

She stole my heart...

I went to work today and fell in love. I went to work and met the sweetest little mini yorkie I have ever seen. She looked a little bit like Toto, but tinier. She licked my toes and danced around the floor seemingly happy to see me. She didn't even know me!! My friend Becky has two of these little sweeties...one black and gold and one white one. Not sure what the white one is, but it was a cutie pie too. Now that I am home, I have spent way too much time looking these little things up online. I just want one. Wonder how and when I will figure this out??? I sure do want one!!!

I really wanted to send the stupid email...

Tried to send an email tonight to tell a total jerk that he is just that. Had a battle of the wills going on in my head and the holy spirit won. Here is how it went:

Me: This guy is a jerk! If I dont' tell him all the things he's done wrong, he won't know!
HS: Let us take care of this...you are going to stir up some trouble that you don't need.
Me: But, wait! His church doen't know that he is a liar- they don't know what really happened- I need to tell him!
HS: Unless you plan to fly back there and tell each individual, you telling him won't accomplish that anyway. Be still and know that He is God...
Me: but I am mad and it has been over a year and he has never appologized and he told lies about what happened and, and , and...
HS: Hit cancel
Me: but God!!!
HS: Hit cancel...that email will do no good and might cause harm...HIT CANCEL.

I did. It reminded me of something Beth Moore said at the only conference of hers I ever attended:" Shall I defend my flesh or demonstrate the Spirit?"

Thankfully this time I chose to demonstrate His wonderful Spirit. Make me worthy of this, God...I am trying here!

Sleep well guys!

The last day of the rest of my life

Finished up at healthsouth today. Felt amazing to walk out of the building and leaving the blackberry behind just sitting there. Weekend off, then on to Schlittebahn on Monday with the kids. Weekend off...not really true. Lots of cleaning tomorrow and the Sunday routine don't really count as being off, huh?

Tuesday I head on out to my new job. I will be working for a great lady with a great name. Becky and I have known each other for at least 5 years. SHe will really make sure that things are done well at the new assisted living. I look forward to working for her. Since we have the same name, it is a little bit confusing for the corporate office, but we'll make it fine. 79 units to rent and she has gotten 9 deposits already. Our ribbon cutting is on Thursday at the country club...hope I can hang wiith the type of folks I'll be interacting with. They're just people,right?

God has really used the last few years as prep for the next steps I will be making. Time spent at places like Oakwood House, Azalea House, Sunrise...all these have given me the experience and skills needed to do this job. I am especially excited about the opportunity to be part of a brand new community. It is awesome to know that I will become a small part of the lives of the residents there' Love it!

Late...going to bed...more later....