The piece just slid into place...

So, my dad had a stroke. For those familiar, I have never had much of a relationship with him. Leaving home at 16, I was spared some of his worst years, but the damage was more than done with the time served up to that point. The only thing I ever wanted was for him to love my mother. Not say the words...do the work. Work hard, respect her, provide for her, desire more for her and our family than he had growing up, you know- love her. I never felt that any of those things were done. I also grew to resent (greatly) his weight. He was sloppy, obese, and in my opinion, just stopped trying long ago. He couldn't find a job and I don't rembember him trying either. When the recession hit in the 1980s, I can remember being on free lunches and having people from our church bringing care baskets so that we'd have food. I remember one Christmas when my best friend gave me a pair of brand new blue jeans... one of the only pairs I remember having. Best gift ever, but embarassing that she had to provide them to me. I know she and her mom were blessed by giving them to me, but I was proud even then.

OK, back to the story. I left home and started my own family at 16. I hadn't had a good example of a loving marriage to pattern this after, so we just plunged in and did the best we could. Actually, thanks to a Godly husband, we did very well...24 1/2 years so far! My sister and mother would keep me informed of the ongoing problems at home. I busied myself with my own family...no time to look back- not yet. Over the years, I would look at my own dear husband and thank God for the differences I recognized in him and my own father. No comparison really, except for the fact that they both had been called at one point into minstry. Kyle, obedient and faithful to his call...my dad, not so in my eyes. I have always felt that he failed. I wondered why my mom had married him, asking her to leave him more than once over the past many years. She cited religious reasons for staying, but this was just a cop out in my eyes. God hadn't been honored by their marriage in many years, so this was just a technicality.

So, if we've established how bad things are now, let's move forward. To a few months ago when my dad became ill. Mom had been busy working and hadn't really checked on him much. She never does...it's just how they roll. He had been sick, but since he's a complainer and 'enjoys poor health', she didn't pay any attention when he didn't get out of his chair for more than a day. Finally he fell and coudn't get up...ambulance ride to the hospital. Severe dehydration...rhabdo from the muscles not moving for hours and hours...long stay at the hospital. I pulled strings and go the case manager (an old friend) to talk to him about rehab. NO was the answer, "I have things to take care of" and don't have time was the response. I knew what this meant- he owed someone money. I had no idea who or how much (we would find out later ), but this wasn't an acceptable answer to me. I called him to request his permission to have the arrange transport to the rehab...that call got ugly. I threatened, he rerfused, and I didn't call their home for 8 weeks. I got very angry...even angrier when I never received a call from their home during that whole time. I finally gave up and called...he hadn't even realized that I hadn't been calling. So much for punishment.

Now we are in November and he has the stroke. When something like this happens in a healthy marriage, it strains things for sure. When this happens in a disfunctional family, look out. All of the ugly came out! My mom was angry...he should have taken better care of himself...he can't come home like this...he is trying to be an invalid...on and on. He, on the other hand, just wanted to come home..."I'm not going to mess with rehab"... IMPASS. Neither would talk to the other, no communication exept from my mom to me. Finally, she made the first move by threatening to leave him if he didn't go to rehab. I called th case manager to report this...then I called him. I don't know where the calm in my voice came from. Well, I do, but it still suprised me. I laid it all out. I told him that this was his only chance to save his marriage. He had to go to rehab. She would leave and we would support her in that if she did...he got the message. It was a long and wierd call in which I told him that I didn't know where they had gotten off track , but that God was the only hope they had. I told him that whatever the obligations were that were keeping him from agreeing to go needed to be laid out for all to see...no more secrets! Little did I know what I was asking for.

Total of almost $6000 in pay day loans...that was the big secret. Worked with mom to get a personal loan and she went from sleazy joint to sleazy joint paying these all off. He got off easy, but that is really what grace is about. She was angry...so angry...but I kep reminding her that it was not fair for us to say "tell us everything" and then to say "ok, but this is more than I wanted to deal with". God takes us warts and all...we must receive each other the same way. I cannot imagine the weight that was lifted off of their (his) shoulders.

Dad is home now... things seems good. Mom even bought herself a new wedding band from him for Christmas. Such symbolism there...progress. Both are a little nervous, learning to trust again. Prayer for the old demons to stay away. Seems like the piece just slid into place ...it had been missing for so long.

Shame on me!

It has been HOW long since I posted here? Now that's too long!! More things have happened than I could possibly remember to write down. What a waste...so many good things I will wish I had recorded. Let's see if I can recall any of them? Well, most recently, we had Christmas. We went to McLeod and Queen City and to the ER with Kyle. He had his first (please God let it be his LAST) kidney stone. No fun for him at all...lots of worry for me! So glad that is over. He passed it today around noon.

My dad had a stroke just after Thanksgiving. Mom called early the Saturday after Thanksgiving and told me. She needed me to get him to be cooporative with the EMS guys. He was being his usual, beligerent self. I told him he had to go, he finally agreed. The rest of the story is really long and I will save it for another post. Let's just say that God really showed up and showed off in this situation. Very wierd and wonderful...all at the same time. Reminded me of how thankful I am that someone gave me the advise to never go to bed mad. Don't start off taking each other for granted and you wil never find yourself where my parents found themselves...45 years into a terrible mess with only God to bail them out. Thankfully it seems He has.

Nite...too tired to write it all down!