Meeting Dawn...

I have been at the pastor's conference in Jacksonville, Florida with our whole church staff.  Kim (dayschool and preschool), Andrew (youth), Candyce (children), Taylor (brand new music minister), Kyle (pastor/my hubby), and myself...together from Wednesday until sometime tonight when we finally get home.  6 days that went really well.  Yesterday, Candyce and I decided that we would get our nails done after we all ate lunch, since there was some down time during the schedule at the pastor's conference.  I should say that I usually don't have ever my nails done anymore.  Candyce wanted a pedicure and  I just wanted shellac.  Spur of the moment plan that seemed simple enough.

The rest of the group went to REI,  and some sporting goods store as they waited for us. Candyce and I walked in and let the lady at the front know what we wanted.  Everyone seemed friendly, they got us seated pretty quickly, and we both waited for our nail technicians to begin working on us.  Candyce was in a pedicure  chair and her young lady arrived first.  I was apparently waiting for a lady at the next table.  She was putting bright yellow polish on the nails of a girl that walked in about the same time.  I was not in a hurry, since I knew mine would take less time.  I tried to play on my phone, but it was basically dead.  Guess that eliminates that option as a time killer.  Eventually, the girl beside me was all painted up and it was my turn.

Dawn, as I came to know her, was a very pretty 60ish lady originally from Vietnam.  She put my hands in some very odd heating pad / glove things and gathered her supplies.  She and I talked, as I try to do when in this type of situation, about the shape I wanted my nails, the weather, and where I was from.  She got really excited when I told her "From Texas, near Houston".  Turned out, she used to live in Texas, Houston area too.  She named many places that were familiar to me.  She and her then husband (now  gone for 7 years) would go into an area, open and establish a nail shop,  and then sell it for a profit.  They had stores in the Woodlands, Sugarland, Cypress, La Grange, Athens...lots of places.  She said that she missed her husband and that her life had changed a lot since he had passed away.  She spoke English pretty well, understood it pretty well too.  She asked me if I had children, and I explained that I did.  She asked why I was in Florida and I told her that too.  I told her that I was not a pastor, but that my husband was.  I do this when I don't know the other person's background.  Some churches may  have this, but I don't want anyone to think I am one.  I am not called to be a minister, nor am I gifted to be one.  As soon as I told her that my husband was a pastor, she got excited again.  She reached out and touched my arm, asking "Oh, are you Baptist????"  Yes..."Oh, I am too!! AND I LOVE THE LORD AND JESUS!!!"  Her response was soooo refreshing.  When is the last time anyone said that to you?  Never would be my answer.  I knew I was going to like this lady.

We began to share information and experiences. She talked about her faith in very simple but very sincere terms.   She told me about how thankful she was every day that Jesus was her saviour.  She told me about her son, Vin, and how he is not a believer.  "He knows about Jesus, but he does not live for Him or have Him in his heart" she said.  I told her I would agree with her in prayer that this would go from "head" knowledge to "heart" knowledge.  She told me that her husband had become a believer before he died.  She knows she will see him again, although she misses him so much today.  She told me how she used to seek after money and more money when they were opening so many stores and selling them.  She said that now she knows that this world is not her home and that this life is temporary.  She does not desire the things of this world anymore.  I asked her if she owned the store we were in.  She said, "No...I just work now.  I want to have time to be with my family and to study my bible.".  "Besides, she said...what do I need that stress for?  My peace and hope is in my Jesus."   Wow...

At some point, she looked me in the eye and said, "God sent you to me today, I just know it!"  I was very humbled by this. While I know it is true that God has me cross paths with many people in any given day, no one has ever said that to me before.

Pretty soon, Candyce and I were both done.  My bill was small and I had extra cash which I felt compelled to leave Dawn as a tip.    The young lady that did Candyce's nails brought her to the front and showed Candyce's little pregnant belly off to the apparent manager of the salon.  "Doesn't she just have the cutest little pregnant tummy?" and both agreed.  I said, "That is baby Allie...we prayed for her for a long time!"  Candyce said "Yes, that is so true, I had multiple miscarriages before finally being able to carry this baby".  The manager said something that I remember well- "When you trust and ask Jesus for the things you want, He will give them to you".  Not prosperity gospel, but it reminded me of the verse in Psalm 37:4 that says "Delight yourself in The Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart".  Candyce told her that this was true for her and that this seemed to work out when she committed her life to The Lord fully.

I gave Dawn a hug as we left the nail salon.  "I will see you again someday" I told her as I walked out.  Made me think of that old saying "I'll see you here, there, or in the air" referring to the rapture.  Not sure how long that will be, but I know I will see her again.  Thankful for this brief encounter with another sister in Christ.  AND my nails look awesome!  Be blessed!!

Caught me totally by surprise...

We have been in Jacksonville Florida at the Pastor's conference all weekend.  Each day has brought new messages and wonderful music.  The 18 hour drive here has really been worth it , although I might tell you differently Monday night when we finally get home.

This morning brought a great message by Paige Patterson on Hosea.  Each time we begin a worship session, we start with music, have a sermon, have more music and then a second sermon.  Dr. Patterson's  message was followed by a really fantastic time of worship.  Amazing renditions of familiar hymns...I guess the songs made me go back emotionally to a time when I was a child and these were the normal things you would sing on Sunday mornings.  As is always true with my mind, one place then leads me to another place and other memories.  One by one, they took me to a place I usually try to avoid- my dad.

I have blogged many times about how much I have always had a strained relationship with him.  I had little or no respect for him as a child and as a young adult.  He did not treat my mother well  He  did not provide for our family well.  He was a failed pastor of tiny churches that always had turmoil.  These are the things that I always believed about him.  I have not necessarily changed my mind about these situations, but I have  come to question my perception a little.

The words of the song aren't important, but at some point God  brought my dad to my mind.  Today, my dad is in a nursing home.  He has not been on his feet or walked in almost 2 years.  He broke his hip and  has never recouperated.  My mother had him moved  from his home town to be only 7 miles from the town we live in now.  He is in a small room and has a roommate.  He eats all of his meals from his bed.  He has a foley cathater.  He has to ask for staff to help him with everything he does in a day.  It  has been quite a change from the life he used to have, in a way.  Actually, it is better in so many ways.  He is now given attention by people, which he longed for before.  He is seen by physicians and therapists, meeting his medical needs.  Before he fell and broke his hip, he lived alone.  He had no interaction with the world.  He was unable to drive, he was unable to go to church, and he was unable to care for himself fully.


This morning, though, I thought of him.  Not the bitter, difficult man he was back then, but the broken man he is today.  This dad of mine, this improved version, would have loved to have been in this service.   The old dad would have been critical of how the service was run, internally jealous of the other pastors, would have criticized how the music was, (too showy, too many musicians, etc...). But not this dad.  God has worked on this version of my dad to the point that I think he would have enjoyed it.  He would have possibly even raised his hands.  And, he would have cried.  Cried for all of the years before that so many opportunities were wasted.  Thankful for being part of the CHURCH, as opposed to a congregation.  The thought of him being there and enjoying this worship time brought me quickly and surprisingly to tears.  Only a sniffle and wet eyes at first, but then tears were actually streaming as I began to realize what God was showing me.  I had to stop singing, stop participating, and just stand in His presence and to listen.

I think He took me to the session I attended yesterday on forgiveness.  It was aimed at marriage, but it goes to all relationsihips.  I am being brought to a place of forgiveness for my dad.  I am being shown that I am as guilty for ignoring and wasting opportunities as he was.  I have been holding myself  back from him because of history.  He needs this from me and I must give it.  I don't know if i can give it away yet, but the time will come.

A mother's heart...

I remember when you were born.  I remember how much hope and promise you brought with you.  I have always wanted so much for you.  I have prayed for your health, for your decisions, for your heart, for your walk with Christ, for your attitude, for your future, for your purity, for your spouse, for your children, and about 1000 other things.  I have watched you love, watched you win, watched you grow, watched you have your heart broken, watched you lose, watched you learn, watched you serve, watched you worship, watched you lead...day by day, up and down, little by little.  I have been angry, thrilled, disappointed, proud, scared, speechless, and in awe of you.  I have wanted to hold you, kiss you, protect you,  spank you, cheer for you and I have even wanted to take your place when I knew the situation would be so very difficult.  I am much like any other mother would be.  I love you with all that I am and all that I have.

When I think about your future, I try not to envision too many details.  I have guessed before and have been seemingly very wrong.  I have predicted the future, only to have that future change drastically and prove me to be very bad at fortune telling.  I have  even said and done things to try to influence you to get to where I though you were going.  Trouble is, I am not in charge of where you are going.  Only God can see where He is steadily leading you.  You, as a believer, have the Holy Spirit within you to keep you on that path.  I trust Him, I trust you.

I am proud of where you are today.  It has been a long journey to get here.  You are not where you want to be yet, but in time you will be.  You are doing the things that it takes to achieve your goals.  You are making good choices.  You have the right people beside you.  You are not working from a place of self.  You are more like your Daddy than you are like me.  All of these things are positives!  You are my child and I could not have ordered you any more well designed than you are.  Cannot wait to see what is coming next.  I love you.

It all started 28 years ago

Today is my anniversary.  I married the man of my dreams 28 years ago today.  I should actually say I married the young man of my dreams...he grew into the man of my dream as time has passed.

I have told this story before.  I was 16, Kyle was 19.  I was pregnant with our precious daughter K'Lynn and we had just found this out a week before.  After a really short "engagement" of a week and the help of all of our families, we stood at the altar.  Bro. George Thomas did our services.  I borrowed his sweet wife Vicky's wedding dress.  Carol did the flowers, Linda Ann did the cake.  Mark took the pictures, Linda and my sister Debbie stood with me.  Lance and Russell were Kyle's attendants, and my baby brother Adam was the ring bearer.  I don't even remember having a flower girl, but who knows.  That was a long time ago.

We married on a Saturday and went that night for a quick honeymoon to Texarkana.  We ate steaks for supper at Bonanza and stayed at the  La Quinta.  I remember so many parts of that special day, but have forgotten many more.  All in all, it was a wonderful day filled with such hope and joy.  I know there had to be those in the church that day that questioned what we were doing, but I was not focused on them.  I had a peace despite the circumstances and uncertainty.  I knew God had a plan.

His plan was rich and woven with tears and laughter.  His plan brought people into and out of our lives.  His plan had amazing trips, lots of quiet nights, travel to other countries, and even a travel trailer.  His plan would include birth children, chosen children, friends children, and youth group members that felt like our own children.  His plan has allowed Kyle and I  to become "Honey " and "Pop" to a precious baby girl, the first of many to come.  His plan would bring some families close to ours, and would rip others away unexpectedly.  His plan would bring us through wrecks, illness, surgeries, births, deaths, moves, pets, horses, and so much more... Through it all, His plan was a road map for His will.  Each step taking us closer to the ultimate goal of moving us where He needed us to reach more people for Him.

So, after 28 years, I find myself more committed than ever to this life.  Not only to this marriage, but to this calling.  I am here, with my precious husband, until God calls one of us home.  I am here...I am thankful...I am...blessed.

Why am I not enough?

Caught you off guard with the title, huh?  By now, you are wondering- is Becky ok? (I am!) Is her marriage ok? (It is!)  Is she depressed (Not especially)  No, it is none of those things.  I am just asking a question that I know runs through the minds of most of us (if we are honest) from time to time. Here are a few examples.

Spoke recently with a man whose wife suffers from depression.  It affects every part of their life.  It affects her self-esteem, her self-worth, her motivation, her reactions to others, her job and even her health.  It affects his life too, because he is wondering why he is not enough to make her happy.  He wonders if he made more money, brought her flowers, talked more sweetly to her, if, if, if...would these things make her happy?  Probably not...

I had a friend in high school that I had not seen in many years.  We used to be very close, actually dated for a while, but life happened and we were no longer in touch.  I got a call one day telling me that he had killed himself.  He was married to a beautiful lady, had sweet children, had a good job...the basic things most people value in life.  For him, though, it was not enough.  The problem was internal.  It could not be fixed by someone else.  He was a believer in Christ, although I know nothing of his relationship with God since he was a teenager.  Even this relationship did not ensure that he would reach a point of 'happiness'.  His problems were deeper-they were medical, chemical, not just due to any situation.  I also learned that they had diagnosed him with bipolar disorder a few years prior to his suicide.  This was a big factor I am sure in his decision making process.  Not his wife, not his kids, not his parents, not his job...nothing was enough to make him want to live another day.  No one was 'enough'.

We are doing a study in our Sunday School class on insecurity.  I have learned through this class that almost any problem I can think of comes down to insecurity on some level.  This same insecurity also gives us a skewed perception of reality.  We see and hear what we want to see and hear, based on our perception of truth.  "I think I am too fat" is a great example of a common insecurity that many of us have.  Here is how that plays out in our day to day:

1.  I think I am too fat ....so

2. I am self conscious about how I look....so

3. I don't value myself as much as I should....so

4. I accept less than I deserve in relationships, jobs, situations...so

5. I have less than I could have from life...so

6. I become depressed....so

7. I overeat...so

8. I become bigger than I was before...so

9. I think I am too fat.

Ugly cycle, isn't it?

Those insecurities are tough enough to deal with when it is in your own head.  When it is in the mind of someone you love, it is almost impossible.  I know this from experience- on both sides of the equation.  I have been the insecure one and I have loved an insecure one.  Both are tough.  How do we work harder?  How can we be 'enough'?

 We have looked at the problem for a while now...what might be the answer?

Philippians 4:7

King James Version (KJV)

7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

This is the answer for both the insecure one, and the one that loves them.  We can not be enough, not for ourselves nor for anyone else.  God is the only one that can give us peace. .  It is that peace that we need.  With it, the issues of life seem manageable. 

So, I guess the answer to the question of "Why am I not enough", is that no one was designed to be enough for anyone else.  There is a gap in each of us that only God can fill.  No one will ever be able to be 'enough'.  Whew!  That is a relief, because I have no idea how to do that for anyone.  So thankful that God is enough.  HE is enough today, tomorrow and forever.  HE is enough in trouble, in peace, and in joy.  He is enough.

Becoming Honey...

Last year, we attended lots of football games.  Week after week, we traveled on Fridays to stadiums miles and miles away from our home to watch one team play.  It was fun, and we enjoyed it a lot, but I took something away from that football season that I will keep forever- a new name.

Andrew (my 'son', not by birth but choice) and Kim (his sweet wife and also a child of mine by choice) had a baby a year and a half ago.  Audra was the prettiest baby with the BLUEST eyes!  Kim's mom had passed away suddenly a week before Audra was born.  Andrew's mom  lived about an hour away.  Kyle and I were right here and got to play like we were grandparents quite often.  I thought of myself as her grandma, but did not want that name.  I knew she would need to call me something, but none of the traditional names seemed right or they were a little too 'family' like.  I am not her Grammy, her Grandmother, her Mawmaw, nor her Mimi. I needed a name that fit me.  Seemed like I had a little bit of time, though...she was still little.

One of those Friday nights last fall, we headed up to a game near Jacksonville, TX.  Fast food was always on the menu as we traveled to these games, so we ended up at Kentucky Fried Chicken.  It was mid November when I walked into the restaurant.      It was pretty crowded, so the food took a while to be prepared.  As I waited, I looked around the room.  Lots of young people headed to the game, a few older couples, and one young family that stood out.  They had two daughters that were both dressed in PJs and robes.  It was no where near bedtime, so their clothes caught my eye  I listened as the older girl talked and talked.  She might have been 4.  She was very cute,and talked non-stop!  She turned at one point and looked right at me, so I smiled at her.  She took this as an invitation to talk.  "We are on our way to see Honey and Pop!  They are going on the train with us.  We haven't ever been on a train before!"  I wasn't sure which train she might have been talking about, but her mother jumped in with an explanation.  "Honey and Pop are my mom and dad.  We are meeting them at the Polar Express Train in Tyler."  I knew that they did this during the holidays, a real life recreation of the Polar Express movie for young kids complete with a train ride and hot chocolate.  How fun!

Honey and Pop...Honey and Pop...something about those names just spoke to me.  Maybe I could be Honey for Audra.  That seemed right!  I came home and told Kim about meeting the little girl.  I mentioned that  I'd like to steal the name and use it with Audra.  We agreed that Audra would probably come up with her own name for us, but that those would be good ones!

Fast forward to Christmas.  We had Andrew and Kim over for a Christmas get together.  We all exchanged gifts.  I have no idea what we got them, not even what we got for Audra.  What I remember is what they got me.  A beautiful box that held a very pretty silver key chain...the key chain opened and was a locket.  No pic of Audra (and I still have not remembered to put one in there!), but on the inside it said  "To Honey, Love Audra".  I had a name!!

Audra is now 19 months old.  She is walking everywhere, talks all of the time,  sings, loves Welch's fruit snacks and the puppies.  She is funny, curious, bossy, a little spoiled (we could not help ourselves!), and is going to be a big sister in November.  She is growing up into a delightful child that everyone loves.  For me, though, she is the grandbaby I have not officially had yet.  Kim asks her "Do you want to go see Honey and Pop?" and her eyes light up!  She has this way of shaking her fists when she is excited, and that is usually her reaction to this question.  She loves Pop just like I remember K'Lynn, Ryan and Hannah loving his dad, PawPaw.  She will go to Pop from almost anyone.  She gets excited about the books he reads to her and enjoys just sitting in his lap and watching our puppies.  Blood or no blood, this is Kyle's (Pop's) grandbaby!

I am enjoying the role of "Honey".  Audra loves to come to my house and to pull my yellow step stool around the kitchen.  She counts on the fact that I will have lots of fruit snacks.  She gets down on her hands and knees and plays in the dog's water bowl.  I buy  Dr. Seuss hardcover books so that Pop can read to Audra when she is here.  I sit in the recliner with her and we play with  Lucy and Cooper.  I let her play with my phone and she know just how to go to the pictures and to watch videos (almost all of her).  I ask if she can come to stay with me at the house often.  We walk around in the yard and I give her baths in the sink when needed.  I find myself doing many of the things MawMaw (Kyle's Mom) used to do when my kids were little like gathering all of her things and sending them home in a Walmart sack or sending a plastic container home with her of some food that she enjoyed.  This doesn't trouble me at all, since MawMaw was a great example.  Also like MawMaw, I invite Kim and Andrew over often to have supper with us.  I don't really think I cooked the first two or three years of our marriage.  We ate with Kyle's parents really often because they wanted to see K'Lynn and then Ryan.  Worked for us!  Lol!!  Don't get me wrong- we love Kim and Andrew too, but Audra is a big part of this!

I am happy to have become Honey this past year. When Kim and Andrew's new baby comes in November, I will continue with this role, then to two little girls.  Audra and Autumn.   Someday, Ryan and Courtney, K'Lynn (and someone!) and even Hannah (and someone!) will have children of their own.  I will love them all, but Audra will always be the first.  Not sure if the grand babies to come will call us Honey and Pop also, but I bet they will.  Becoming Honey has been the best!!

Trusting Him in you...

As a believer, I come with certain gifts.  Each of us has a spiritual gift, unique to that person, but sometimes these take time to see or develop.  God gives us these to prepare us for the tasks He has for us throughout our lives.  He uses these to encourage others, build the kingdom, and make our lives richer.  This is only part of what comes along with the title of believer...there is more.

When I came to faith in Christ at 13, I don't think I really realized what I was signing up for.  I knew I needed to have a personal relationship with Christ, but did not understand that the Holy Spirit was going to be part of the deal.  The Holy Spirit...this invisible, odorless, tasteless, impossible to explain manifestation of God that comes to dwell in each person that accepts Christ as their savior...He was part of the package.

When people in my life make decisions that don't seem to make the most sense, I have to look at the whole situation.  Does it line up with the gospel?  Or better yet, is there anything that really does NOT line up with the bible?  If it isn't illegal, immoral, or harmful to their health, chances are that it might be the Holy Spirit's prompting.  Now, there has to be nothing that would be contrary to the gospel, or that would not be the HS.  He, being part of the Godhead, could not lead me in a way that was not pure.  The trick is listening and using discernment about whether I am hearing God's prompting, or that of something else.

When K'Lynn came home for a visit at Thanksgiving a few years ago, she became terribly homesick.  She was more than just homesick, though...God was preparing her for a move.  Something that made little sense to others...to leave a very good job in New Mexico and to move back home into a bedroom with her little sister in Anderson, TX.  I know some questioned her decision.  I know the people she was working for thought she was just young and immature, missed her family,  and was going back home for those reasons.  Not true, though.  She was following the leading of the Holy Spirit.  She did leave New Mexico, she moved to a little house here in Anderson with us, and God honored her obedience.  He provided her with a season of reflection.  He gave her time to work on herself for a while.  He allowed her to be here for a very scary accident and a couple of job changes.  All of this prepared her for the day when God opened the door for a great teaching job in Waco- exactly where she was supposed to be.  What others saw as foolish perhaps, we saw as God's hand.

I remember telling my dad we were moving to Anderson.  He said "I just hate to see you go to a little dead end town like that..."  which insulted me deeply.   I remember thinking at the time (and saying to Kyle) "Why can't he just trust the Holy Spirit to speak to us?".  Turns out, he was wrong about Anderson.  Some of our best success and growth has happened here.  All ordained, all designed by a loving  Father who wants the best for us and this community.

I suppose I am writing this to encourage you to weigh each situation out before passing judgement.  God has equipped us with the Holy Spirit, but He doesn't tell all of us the same thing.  He has a different plan for each of us.  My directions from Him may not be what you think is best.  Your direction from Him might confuse me.  None of this makes it wrong...just personalized.  Listen closely...follow willingly....He will direct you paths.  Blessings!!

Visiting my past...

Recently I spent two days in ABQ.  Had the opportunity to go visit some familiar places like our house at 4305 Barrett Ave. and the Cottonwood Mall.  Also went to my favorite store, Real Deals.  I drove past the homes of friends and acquaintances, wondering how they all were.  I drove past the church we used to attend and was so sad to see it is such disrepair.  I had real mixed emotions while being there.  

Here is the brief story.  God moved us out of ABQ almost exactly 5 years ago.  The change was sudden, painful, hard to understand, and totally necessary.  I left friends I had loved for years and some I had only recently met.  I left a job I couldn't believe I actually had and a house I always wanted.  I left without explanation to many and I am not sure if they still know all of the reasons why.  The reasons are complicated and not suitable for mentioning here, but they were ordained by our Father.  He had other plans, so the current situation had to change.  I always did trust that.

It has taken me all of these 5 years to become comfortable being here again.  I said initially that I never wanted to return.  God opened a door to a job that made this part of my territory, so I have been forced to face this area a few times already.  Each time I visit, it gets a little easier.  Today, though, was different...

People in ABQ that live on the East side feel that the West side is realllyyyyyy far away (for the record it isn't).  The drive across Paseo Del Norte and the bridge that takes you over the Rio Grande River is a pretty one.  I made that trek today and had a lot of time to think.  I realized as I crossed over the river that it no longer hurt to remember living here.  I can now think about the happier times and not be so overwhelmed with the hurt and pain that I experienced.  It was such a freeing feeling that God gave me.  I know He gave it to me, because without His peace, the hurt would have remained as it was before.  I even had a fleeting thought to just drive up to the home of a former friend and let her know that I was doing so well.  The thought of that was a little too much, though, and I decided against it.  I did allow myself to drive to the new church that Kyle had worked to hard to plan.  That was an experience.  When we left, there was only a concrete foundation.   Now there is a finished building.  Again, I know God was directing me because my main feeling was detachment.  Not jealousy or a longing to have been a part of the work...actually the strongest feeling I had was gratitude for where God has us now.

I am so thankful for the hard times we experienced.  Can you believe I am saying that?  I can't, but it is totally true.  I am so thankful for the journey that led us to Anderson.   I am not sure how my life would be without the friends that I have made there, not to mention the old friends we have re-connected with.  God's plans are perfect, His timing is always right on time, and He works the things the devil plans for our demise together for His glory.  Please remember this when times get hard...God has a reason for every tear, every heartbreak, every moment of sadness.  Look for the rainbow after the storm.  They only come after the rain ends.  Hold on...  Blessings.  

To love and to cherish....

Although no one is saying any vows at this point in my family, I have had the idea of vows on my mind.  I think remembering what the marriage vows say is always important, even in new relationships.   To have and to hold, to love and to cherish, from this day forward...or something  like that.  If you cannot say that you love and cherish your special someone, then wait on the one that you do cherish.  Love is not enough....  

I have told my girls that the word cherish is such an important one.  It seems that "I love you" comes pretty quickly and somewhat easily for some couples.  I remember saying that I knew I loved Kyle when I met him.  It was true, but the feeling of cherishing him came with time. I grew to cherish him by having sweet conversations and reading his handwritten letters. It grew as I watched him handle hard situations and make tough decisions.  It became so evident that I did not just love him when watching him at the birth of each child and while seeing him raise our kids to love the Lord.   Today, that idea of love and cherishing him is fueled by the respect I have for him as a spiritual leader and as Pop to little Audra.  I have always loved him- but I truly cherish him too.  

Not everyone is ready to cherish another person.  They want to be loved, but may not see the need to really commit like that to another.  Cherishing for me means I appreciate the person more that I appreciate myself.  That comes with time and maturity.  Most parents experience this when babies are born. You just are overwhelmed with the feelings of love and devotion to that child.  You would lay down your life for that baby...I want the same feeling to be present for my girls with the person God sends for them to share their lives with.  

As always, I am praying for these unknown men- wherever they are.  I want  them to know that I love them already because God selected them to father my grandchildren and to spend their lives with my daughters.    I prayed for Courtney, my son's precious wife, for many years before I met her.  God honored those prayers and provided Ryan with a woman that checked off every box on my list.  She cherishes him and he cherishes her. Love is not enough sometimes. Their relationship will last.  

I guess my point is- don't settle  for love only.  Seek to find that person that God has for you that will truly cherish you.  You deserve it...so do they.  Blessings.   

Moving on...in a completely unexpected direction

One year ago, my baby girl left for Honduras with a broken heart.  A long term relationship had come to an end (again)  and she was so broken.  The trip was one that I had prayed would bring healing, closure and perspective.  Instead, it brought an illness that brought our mission work to an end for several days, leaving her to think a lot.  By the end of that week, she was not really healed at all.  She came back with a renewed committment to making this relationship work out- somehow. 

Fast forward a few months, and the relationship did resume.  Not fixed, but limping along.  Same old issues, I guess, and eventually the same end.  Another break up, and this time without a desire on her part to work it out again.  A few weeks passed, and another young man entered the picture.  He was good to her.  He spoke sweetly to her.  He showed her that the relationship she had thought was so real for so long, was really not all that it should have been.  This boy gave her some much needed perspective.  Nothing wrong with this guy at all, except that he lived more than 100 miles away.  Even my overly-romantic heart realized that was a long way to drive. 

Honduras this year approached, and my baby girl was still "talking" to the long distance fellow.  I sent her off on an airplane with her Dad and several others expecting her to return to pick up with him where she left off.  I expected that, but God apparently had some other ideas...

Her daddy mentioned him first.  "There is a guy on this trip with a crush on her" he said.  "Really?  Well, she has a fellow..." was my reply.  Later in the week. pictures started to show up on Instagram and FB with her and a cute dark haired kid I had never seen before.  Friendly face, sweet smile...hmmmm.  Maybe her daddy was right...

I met them at the airport.  She was happy, smiling a lot...introduced me to her new friends from the other church.  This fellow was among them.  On the way home, she explained how she was probably done talking with the long distance guy.  Sweet kid, but she felt that it was time to move on.  I did notice that she was texting a lot.  Thought it might be with him...letting him down gently.  Nope, it was the new fellow.  Hmmm...didn't you JUST leave him?  Lol!

I do not know where this is going long term.  I do know this.  My prayer from last summer took a year to be answered.  God's timing is perfect.  So are His plans.  The healing of her heart is finally happening.  Old wounds can now close up.  She is moving on.  God is good. 

Opportunities...

God provides us with lots of opportunities in our lives.  Some of them seem obvious, some of them are subtle.  Once in a while, He makes things so clear that we have no choice but to see how He is working.  This has been one of those situations for K'Lynn this month.

She wanted a dog, first of all.  She loves our puppies, Cooper and Lucy.  She asked her roomates, but the answer seemed to be 'no'.  She waited until her lease was getting close to up and purchased Evie, a beautiful chocolate lab.  She talked to the breeder about keeping her until K'Lynn moved into a new place.  This worked out for a while, but she missed her so much!  She eventually talked the roommates into allowing her to bring Evie early.  It was touchy, but K'Lynn really enjoyed having the companionship.  She eventually decided that this wasn't a good fit and that she needed to move out sooner.   She began to look, but everything was so expensive.  If she were to move early, she would have to pay double rent for a while.  At almost $800/month, she could not make it work.  She mentioned her search at school and one of the students heard about it.  She told K'Lynn that her family had an apartment attatched to their home and that it was opening soon.  Although reluctant, she went and looked at it.  Tiny, but very affordable and it had a fenced back yard for Evie! She put down the deposit and moved in last Saturday.  We went over to help and got her settled in.  What a great opportunity for her to have a great place of her own!  God truly provided!

On Friday afternoon prior to the move,  her brother called with a question.  Would she be available to come to Birmingham to spend the rest of the summer working with the Orange Team at Student Life?  Oh my...had not expected this...uh...opportunity.  By Sunday, it seemed to be a done deal.  So much for a summer, I guess!  God had made everything fall into place, though, so it seemed like a no-brainer.  What about Evie, though?  Oh yes...the new landlady!!  Evie will be in her very own yard, playing with her very own toys until her 'mama' returns home in several weeks.  K'Lynn went over Sunday night to secure the final details with her landlady and to drop off post-dated checks.  One last confirmation needed that this was a God thing?  OK...the landlady asked her to take $200/month off of each check.  She did not feel right about charging her the full rent since she was not going to be there.  Wow...just wow!

She flew out this morning.  Her dadddy and Hannah drove her to Houston super early and saw her off.  I talked to her a few times and her trip was smooth.  Ryan picked her up at the airport and drove her to Covenant College for her first night of worship.  She was anxious and excited.  She was also very clear on Who to give the credit to for all of this.  Now...since God is into details and big plans...maybe there is a husband for her at one of these camps??  My mouth to His ears....:-)

Watch for those opportunities...He is working things out for your good all of the time!!

The things you cannot see...

I have been thinking a lot lately about the pain each of us carries that no one else can see. It can be physical or emotional. Either way, it is virtually invisible to the outside world. Sometimes others can see it, but only if they choose to look closely. Most of the time, though, we carry it alone. If you have never felt this, count yourself lucky. If you know what I mean, then you are in good company.

I began thinking of this two years ago when I was preparing for a hysterectomy. I walked into a store the day before the surgery to buy new slippers for the hospital. The thought crossed my mind that I must look to anyone else just like an ordinary gal that needed new house shoes. On the inside, though, all of the "what if"s were playing over and over in my head. I thought about how this preoccupation with the surgery and my fear caused me to be a little rude to those around me. I was completely self-absorbed. As I made it though the surgery, I realized I had worried for nothing. God was in control and His plan was for me to recover quickly and fully. In the moment, though, I was hurting emotionally with no one to console me. My faith in God got me through, but it was still hard.

My youngest, Hannah, experiences this silent and hidden pain. We have spent the last 4 days dealing with another round of ovarian cyst pain and everything that goes along with it. It is one of those vague, hard to describe types of pain that tends to be dismissed by many medical professionals. In the ER last night, a very well meaning doctor admitted that the problem was " something female related" and gave us meds for pain. He really did not know what else to do, but at least he addressed the main and immediate problem. Anyone that has not experienced this probably does not really understand it. She misses school, she cannot do many of the things expected in athletics at times, and seems to complain a lot to some. In reality, she is tough as nails and this is very painful. I have seen her suck it up and do whatever needed done, even though she was hurting so badly. I know that she will be a much stronger person for getting through this. It is my job in the mean time to support her through the invisible pain.

I have friends that live with Lupus, Fibromyalgia, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Osteoarthritis, Anxiety, Depression, feelings of despair....the list goes on and on. It is not like having a broken bone that you get a cast on for everyone to sign. These are conditions that usually have no outward symptoms, but the pain is very real. The good news is that God sees that pain. He wants us to lean on Him for strength and support. He can meet our needs and heal our pain.

I guess I am putting this out there as a pledge that I will try to be more sensitive to those around me in pain of any type. I will do what I can to help, even if that is just acknowledging it's existence. Everyone needs to feel heard and validated. Love you all....

What a busy Saturday!!

This day started out early.  Awake by 6, bath and get ready for the day.  Woke everyone up by 7, out the door by 7:20.  Off to find some yard sales with Kyle, Hannah and Grandma.  Busy with this til about 11, lunch at Chickfila, then a quick trip to Sam's.  Hanna was ill, so we went home without buying groceries. 
Home and tucked Hannah into the recliner with lots of drugs on board.  Did the dishes...bathed Lucy in the sink...bathed Cooper in the sink...took a 15 minute nap.  Worked on the computer a bit, got ready and left for College Station again around 4 pm.  Unexpected visit with Kristi and  Caroline, and then groceries.  Lots of coupons and bargain shopping later, I left with two buggies of food .  Haven't spent that much on groceries in a while,  but we were out of everything!

Home again with the food, Kyle and Hannah helped unload.  Hannah and I cleaned out refrig and freezer, putting the food away as we went.   Supper (rotissere chicken!) was delicious, and then Hannah wanted a cake.  We had no frosting and no powdered sugar, so I googled a recipe that onlu used sugar, milk, flour, butter and vanilla.  Wow!  Delicious too!

Amidst all of this, we have had guests, puppies run away, laundry was done and now I am blogging.  I am exhausted.  Think it might be time to turn in!!

I have a new driver in the house...

Hannah is a driver now.  After two attempts at the driving test, we left Brenham last month with a license.  We waited just a little bit and then went and purchased a car.  I was not going to do that- I was never going to be the parent that got their kid a new car- but here we are.  Not brand new, but very new.  She has a 2011 Dodge Nitro.  Large enough, safe, waranteed, AAA membership, and insured.  I do not want to talk about the ways this will make me broke....trust that it will.  :-)

It has been a season of change around here- not just the new driver.  I took a new job this week.  I am now working for a neurorecovery center in Conroe, Touchstone.  I will be traveling quite a bit.  That will be new for our family.  I will be covering New Mexico, Texas and anywhere else Ann needs me to be.  I love the job so far.  It is a wonderful opportunity for me.  A great position for an LVN.  I sure hope I can make the travel work with our family.  Having Hannah drive sure helps.  We will see how it goes.  Blessed by the job and by the opportunity.

In the quiet....

Early in the morning has always been my favorite time of day.  From the time that I was a very young child,  I can remember getting up early.  This was my time.  I love being with people, but there is something about my own time to prepare for the day and gather my thoughts.   It is my own twist on my mother's tendency to sit up all night doing whatever...she is an all-nighter and I am a super early riser. Both of us seek the same thing....quiet and time alone. 

I would rise just as the tv began to change from the test screen to the National Anthem.  I remember slicing up potatoes and frying them in grease with onions and eating them with ketchup.  I remember watching PTL Club on tv and knowing all about Jim and Tammie Faye Baker before their scandal.  I never felt drawn to sending them any money, but I did think it was funny to watch her cry so much.  I do not remember anything else about the morning routine but this, but I remember this pretty well.

As a young mother, my mornings were very different.  Babies, toddlers, diapers, and bottles...so much for quiet time.  The kids got older and the mornings got quiet again.  They reached an age where they enjoyed sleeping in and my mornings were my own again. 

You might be wondering where Kyle fits into my quiet morning time.  He doesn't.  He loves to sleep, doesn't ever get enough sleep, and gets up when I wake him- rarely spontaneously.  He is a 'middle of the day' kind of guy.  Not great at late nights, not too much for early mornings.  He works his best in the late morning or early afternoon .  That works for us!  I am the morning shift, he works the afternoon shift, and I guess now Grandma covers the night shift at our house.  :-)

I would like to say that I spend most of my morning quiet time in total bible study or fervent prayer.  I would like to say that I ran 5 miles a couple of miles during that time.  I would love to say that I did online courses and furthered my education during that quiet time.  I cannot claim any of that actvity.  Here is how it usually goes instead:  up with the puppies to take them out, run bath water, grab some breakfast, take a bath, play around on Facebook, wake Hannah up, get ready for work and out the door.  Nothing too productive, but it is relaxing.  It is time without the pressure (just for a bit)  of work or my phone.  Time before patients need to be seen and evaluations need to be put into the computer.  My time, as much as any time is mine. 

I need this time- with the schedule I keep, it is the only quiet time I get.  This week has been no exception.  Every night this week, gone for hours attending one event after another.  As busy as it is though, I love it.  I don't do idle well, apparently.  In the quiet of the mornings, though...I try.

Be blessed!

I wonder if they know....

I have come to really wonder about people.  I know society has changed alot and that children aren't raised like they were 50 years ago, but what is the  deal? I wonder if they know how they look and sound sometimes.   Here are some of the things I have seen that baffle me.  Maybe you will be able to relate to one or more.

• Why do grown women need to take pictures with so much cleavage showing?  Not attractive...especially when you are already married and over 30.
• Do you realize what LMAO means?  Would you say that out loud....in front of your boss or mother?  Try using  LOL or LMBO instead.  Same idea, better for kids to read.
• In the workplace, do you realize the poor impression you make when you use foul language?  Anyone can use 4 letter words....be more creative.
• Have you realized yet that character is invaluable?  Develop it.  I have come to know several young adults that have so much of it and I am excited for their futures.  I know too many adults that have so little and their lives reflect this.  Try hard to be a good person and do the right things.  People are looking and habits are being developed.
• Who says you have to wait until you are  30 to get married?  Who says you have to marry the minute you graduate from college?  Whose business is it anyway when you make that choice?  If you have the Holy Spirit living in you...if you are a believer...God will provide the person and the time for you to meet that person if it is His will for you to marry.  I feel so much pressure for those single young women I know to do things on society's timetable.  Not ok...we are all designed differently.  God's path for each of us is different.
• In sporting competitions,  there are two types of people.  Those that have been molded into great atheletes with integrity and character and everyone else.  Good coaches teach students to honor the game and the other players.  Shake hands with the competition before and after a game.  If a player is hurt, take a knee and be quiet.  If you score, don't act like you just won the Super Bowl.  This is high school.  No one is as impressed as you are with yourself.
• Has anyone ever told you that confidence and cockiness are not the same thing?  Strength and confidence are attractive and magnetic.  Being cocky is quite the turn off for most people.  And do NOT refer to yourself in the 3rd person!!  
• Do you realize that gossip is like poison?  Be so careful as you share.  You do not know who may hear you , who they know,  if they will repeat it, or if it will be heard with the same feeling it was said.  Our tongues are so hurtful at times!

I think this is enough of a list for one night.  Feel free to discuss....
Be Blessed!!

Empathy and pity

I have blogged in the past about my "gift" of empathy.  I am thankful for this trait, more and more as I get older.  I realize that God designed me to cry easily and feel things deeply.  I know that this helps to balance the other personalities in my home.  God just made me that way, so it is ok.  Pity is another thing.

I have discovered that while I am overly endowed with empathy, pity I am short on.  Situations that might otherwise bring about pity in other people's minds brings me to a point of frustration.  If it is a perfect stranger, I might be able to muster up some small amount of pity.  People I know, though, do not get that luxury.  I am frustrated with some family members whose behaviors are self-destructive.  I am bothered by other that seem not to care for themselves as much as others care for them.  I cannot tolerate it when friends make the same poor choices again and again.  Frustration- not pity.

I sure am glad that God does not look at me the same way.  His love for me is not based on anything I do or do not do well.  My decisions don't make Him love me less, my attitudes  don't erase my relationship with Him.  Realizing this forces me to think about my 'gifts'.  If I can be full of empathy, why not pity?  I have to work on this.  I have to become more like Christ, less like me.  My nature is selfish.  My flesh is full of flaws.  Good to remember when I start leaning to my own understanding.  More of Him...more of Him.

The year the holidays were different....

The holidays are very different for my family this year.  We have known for a little while that Christmas would be different.  Ryan and Courtney are getting married!!  That will change things a lot.  So, travel plans have been made.  Adjustments have been made regarding gifts and schedules. We are trying to roll with everything, making sure Hannah gets a Christmas (she is still our kiddo at home), while honoring the wonderfulness of the wedding.  So far, so good!

Thanksgiving was going to be interesting from the begining.  I worked on Wednesday before the holiday and was scheduled for Black Friday also.   Lots of pressure being applied by the regional management due to a low census, so there was no taking off.  We agreed that we would just leave as soon as we could on Wednesday and travel back Thursday evening.  Fast trip, but we wanted to see family.  It is important.  Goody cake, ham, homemade rolls, and cranberry salad...I wanted these things too!

Monday before Thanksgiving, Hannah woke up sick.  She had a sore throat primarily, but aches, low grade fever, and headache.  She continued to feel this way on Tuesday.  Tuesday night, I took her to urgent care.  "The crud"...not much of a diagnosis, but it was the info we received.  Cough syrup,  advil, rest...not much else to do.  Wednesdy, though, we had to make the call.  Were we going to travel to MawMaw's with Hannah feeling so bad?  Lots of discussion, phone calls, and re-assurances later, Hannah finally said she did not feel like going.  She felt terrible, knowing it would change everyone's Thanksgiving.  We reassured her that no one would be mad.  We would see everyone at Christmas.  No need to feel guilty!

No food in the house, so I had to go shopping for Thanksgiving.  I envisioned Christmas at the Kranks with my trip to the store.  Fighting over a turkey or something...big crowds...limited supplies. I knew it would be bad.  I was also wondering how I was going to cook a full dinner without any help!  Kyle would be a helper, but Hannah could not.  Hannah did help me in the store, though.   Lots of folks there that waited until the last minute to get their supplies also.  Not too bad, though.   She and I decided to avoid the normal turkey day food.  We went with surf and turf instead.  Sirloins and extra large shrimp (16/20s) grilled to perfection.  Kyle is quite the artist on the grill.  Hannah rose to the occassion and made two pumpkin pies.  We made Kyla Kay's recipe of brocolli rice caserole.  We did fresh green beans with bacon and brown sugar.  It was delicious!  A very different Thanksgiving, but it was ours and we were together.

Christmas will bring it's own set of changes.  The best part, no matter how things are different this year, is that we are a family that loves one another.  We can communicate and enjoy each other.  We laugh at the cousins and the silly games they play year after year.  We have moved beyond exchanging gifts and now realize that the time we are together is the real gift.  We enjoy PawPaw's smokey cook shed and Sauce Picante'.  We have all been together so many years... we are just enjoying ourselves!  New family members have been added and are being added.  Husbands, wives, grandchildren,  in-laws, and even pets.  Life changes and God is in control.  So thankful for the year the holidays were different.  So many more changes to come!

Back in time: December 13 & 20, 1985

My first Christmas as an "adult"- at all of 16 years old!  Makes me laugh now, since Hannah is 16 and I cannot imagine her doing any of this.  She would manage, just like I did, but I am thankful she doesn't have to!

December 13, 1985:
     I never had any idea one holiday could be so expensive!  At home, I never had to pay for much of anything at Christmas.  Mother even paid for (before I started working) Kyle's presents from me.  This year is a really a switch!!

    Buying for Kyle was easy.  We bought our TV, which will serve as Christmas this year.  He also needs some new jeans, socks and underwear.  I have never bought anyone underwear from Christmas before!

    Kyla and Kelli are a little harder.  I know pretty much what Kyla wants since we've been shopping together a lot.  Kelli on the other hand, is a complete mystery.  I think she wants clothes, shirts in particular.

     My sister is pretty easy since she has such a small wardrobe.  I'd like to buy her something really expensive that no one else will have.  Mom and Dad can't buy her all of the finest things, and somehow I feel that she deserves them.  I wish I could get her all of the things she wants.

    Why are parents so hard to buy for?  We have no idea as to what we should buy them!  Even though they are not expecting much, I still feel as if we should get them someting extra special.  Kyle said he was getting me something, but I have no idea what it could be!

   I'd really like to have a big party to show off my nice 'new' house to all of our friends, but if we are going to see my grandmother there is no way we could afford it.



December 20, 1985
    Finally school is going to be out!  I've waited so long for this much needed vacation.  We are leaving on Wednesday (Christmas Day) for my granma's house in Missourri.  It's a 400 mile trip and since I love long rides, I can't wait!  This is a 'first' for me in many ways.

• It's the first time Kyle and I are going away together.
• It's the first time I've seen my grandparents in 5 years.
• It's the first time I've gone on a trip and gotten to drive.
• It's the first trip I've ever made while being pregnant.
• It's the first time I've ever left Booger (the dog) with anyone else.

   I really am looking forward to getting to drive on a major highway.  If it's not too crowded, it should be fun!


Merry Christmas!!

Back in time: November 15 and December 6, 1985

November 15, 1985:
I finally feel like a real mother!!  On Saturday, November 9th, 1985, my baby finally moved!!  It felt like a little foot or hand was pushed up, no bigger than the size of my thumb.  It stayed there for a minut and then subsided.  Later that evening, I could feel it turning around in it's confined quarters, trying to find a comfortable position.

Kyle can't feel it yet, but he did feel a foot or hand the other day as it pressed against the wall of my stomach.  He feels a little more like a "Daddy" now too I think.  Now when I am away from Kyle, I don't mind it quite so much.  I know the baby is there and it's almost as good..  It is really strange carrying a child inside me that is  really and truly alive.  It seems like that since it can move, it needs to be out and in the world.  I can't wait until it finally is here.

I paid off the doctor yesterdy and made a $100 down payment at the hospital.  That leaves a balance of $850 which can be pain in the next 6 weeks.  i'm not sure how we'll do it, but we'll have the money.

We bought a car yesterday.  Actually, we sold Kyle's old '57 Chevy truck to a guy in Atlanta for his 1980 LTD and $450.  The car is in really nice shape and doesn't seem  to have much wrong with it.  It'll be a family car and Kyle will keep the Mustange to play with.

The baby is moving again!  Now I'm a mom!  (or at least as much of a mom as I can be at this stage of the game!)

December 6, 1985:
My test scores really surprised me!  I wonder how well my friends did in Queen City?  I also wonder if I would have done as well if I had still been going to Queen City.  There, I wasn't a 'stupid' kid, but I walso wasn't the smartest.  Although I maintained A's and a few B's, I still felt inferior around those who were a little smarter than I .  I guess going here has helped my grades int that I don't feel that I am fighting an uphill battle.  There is very little competition (only 7 or 8 people compared to 128!) and I really feel that I have an edge for once!

The baby has been moving quite a bit lately.  Kyle, who didn't think too much about it at first, is begining to become excited at the thought of a son or daugher of his very own.

We are still planning on going to my grandma's for Christmas with my family provided that the LTD will make it.  It needs some work done on it, but I think it will be ok.

We bought a new TV last Tuesday (12-3).  It is a 19" color Hitachi It was $329.89 on sale which was a little more than I had planned on spending, but it will be our Christmas.  Before that we were watching a little 12' black and white job that  was in pretty bad shape.  Kyle has really enjoyed not having to s t rain his eyes to see what was on.  I can't wait until tomorrow to watch cartoons in full color!!  (Yes, at 16 3/4 years old, pregnan and married, I still watch cartoons!!))