Visiting my past...

Recently I spent two days in ABQ.  Had the opportunity to go visit some familiar places like our house at 4305 Barrett Ave. and the Cottonwood Mall.  Also went to my favorite store, Real Deals.  I drove past the homes of friends and acquaintances, wondering how they all were.  I drove past the church we used to attend and was so sad to see it is such disrepair.  I had real mixed emotions while being there.  

Here is the brief story.  God moved us out of ABQ almost exactly 5 years ago.  The change was sudden, painful, hard to understand, and totally necessary.  I left friends I had loved for years and some I had only recently met.  I left a job I couldn't believe I actually had and a house I always wanted.  I left without explanation to many and I am not sure if they still know all of the reasons why.  The reasons are complicated and not suitable for mentioning here, but they were ordained by our Father.  He had other plans, so the current situation had to change.  I always did trust that.

It has taken me all of these 5 years to become comfortable being here again.  I said initially that I never wanted to return.  God opened a door to a job that made this part of my territory, so I have been forced to face this area a few times already.  Each time I visit, it gets a little easier.  Today, though, was different...

People in ABQ that live on the East side feel that the West side is realllyyyyyy far away (for the record it isn't).  The drive across Paseo Del Norte and the bridge that takes you over the Rio Grande River is a pretty one.  I made that trek today and had a lot of time to think.  I realized as I crossed over the river that it no longer hurt to remember living here.  I can now think about the happier times and not be so overwhelmed with the hurt and pain that I experienced.  It was such a freeing feeling that God gave me.  I know He gave it to me, because without His peace, the hurt would have remained as it was before.  I even had a fleeting thought to just drive up to the home of a former friend and let her know that I was doing so well.  The thought of that was a little too much, though, and I decided against it.  I did allow myself to drive to the new church that Kyle had worked to hard to plan.  That was an experience.  When we left, there was only a concrete foundation.   Now there is a finished building.  Again, I know God was directing me because my main feeling was detachment.  Not jealousy or a longing to have been a part of the work...actually the strongest feeling I had was gratitude for where God has us now.

I am so thankful for the hard times we experienced.  Can you believe I am saying that?  I can't, but it is totally true.  I am so thankful for the journey that led us to Anderson.   I am not sure how my life would be without the friends that I have made there, not to mention the old friends we have re-connected with.  God's plans are perfect, His timing is always right on time, and He works the things the devil plans for our demise together for His glory.  Please remember this when times get hard...God has a reason for every tear, every heartbreak, every moment of sadness.  Look for the rainbow after the storm.  They only come after the rain ends.  Hold on...  Blessings.  

To love and to cherish....

Although no one is saying any vows at this point in my family, I have had the idea of vows on my mind.  I think remembering what the marriage vows say is always important, even in new relationships.   To have and to hold, to love and to cherish, from this day forward...or something  like that.  If you cannot say that you love and cherish your special someone, then wait on the one that you do cherish.  Love is not enough....  

I have told my girls that the word cherish is such an important one.  It seems that "I love you" comes pretty quickly and somewhat easily for some couples.  I remember saying that I knew I loved Kyle when I met him.  It was true, but the feeling of cherishing him came with time. I grew to cherish him by having sweet conversations and reading his handwritten letters. It grew as I watched him handle hard situations and make tough decisions.  It became so evident that I did not just love him when watching him at the birth of each child and while seeing him raise our kids to love the Lord.   Today, that idea of love and cherishing him is fueled by the respect I have for him as a spiritual leader and as Pop to little Audra.  I have always loved him- but I truly cherish him too.  

Not everyone is ready to cherish another person.  They want to be loved, but may not see the need to really commit like that to another.  Cherishing for me means I appreciate the person more that I appreciate myself.  That comes with time and maturity.  Most parents experience this when babies are born. You just are overwhelmed with the feelings of love and devotion to that child.  You would lay down your life for that baby...I want the same feeling to be present for my girls with the person God sends for them to share their lives with.  

As always, I am praying for these unknown men- wherever they are.  I want  them to know that I love them already because God selected them to father my grandchildren and to spend their lives with my daughters.    I prayed for Courtney, my son's precious wife, for many years before I met her.  God honored those prayers and provided Ryan with a woman that checked off every box on my list.  She cherishes him and he cherishes her. Love is not enough sometimes. Their relationship will last.  

I guess my point is- don't settle  for love only.  Seek to find that person that God has for you that will truly cherish you.  You deserve it...so do they.  Blessings.   

Moving on...in a completely unexpected direction

One year ago, my baby girl left for Honduras with a broken heart.  A long term relationship had come to an end (again)  and she was so broken.  The trip was one that I had prayed would bring healing, closure and perspective.  Instead, it brought an illness that brought our mission work to an end for several days, leaving her to think a lot.  By the end of that week, she was not really healed at all.  She came back with a renewed committment to making this relationship work out- somehow. 

Fast forward a few months, and the relationship did resume.  Not fixed, but limping along.  Same old issues, I guess, and eventually the same end.  Another break up, and this time without a desire on her part to work it out again.  A few weeks passed, and another young man entered the picture.  He was good to her.  He spoke sweetly to her.  He showed her that the relationship she had thought was so real for so long, was really not all that it should have been.  This boy gave her some much needed perspective.  Nothing wrong with this guy at all, except that he lived more than 100 miles away.  Even my overly-romantic heart realized that was a long way to drive. 

Honduras this year approached, and my baby girl was still "talking" to the long distance fellow.  I sent her off on an airplane with her Dad and several others expecting her to return to pick up with him where she left off.  I expected that, but God apparently had some other ideas...

Her daddy mentioned him first.  "There is a guy on this trip with a crush on her" he said.  "Really?  Well, she has a fellow..." was my reply.  Later in the week. pictures started to show up on Instagram and FB with her and a cute dark haired kid I had never seen before.  Friendly face, sweet smile...hmmmm.  Maybe her daddy was right...

I met them at the airport.  She was happy, smiling a lot...introduced me to her new friends from the other church.  This fellow was among them.  On the way home, she explained how she was probably done talking with the long distance guy.  Sweet kid, but she felt that it was time to move on.  I did notice that she was texting a lot.  Thought it might be with him...letting him down gently.  Nope, it was the new fellow.  Hmmm...didn't you JUST leave him?  Lol!

I do not know where this is going long term.  I do know this.  My prayer from last summer took a year to be answered.  God's timing is perfect.  So are His plans.  The healing of her heart is finally happening.  Old wounds can now close up.  She is moving on.  God is good. 

Opportunities...

God provides us with lots of opportunities in our lives.  Some of them seem obvious, some of them are subtle.  Once in a while, He makes things so clear that we have no choice but to see how He is working.  This has been one of those situations for K'Lynn this month.

She wanted a dog, first of all.  She loves our puppies, Cooper and Lucy.  She asked her roomates, but the answer seemed to be 'no'.  She waited until her lease was getting close to up and purchased Evie, a beautiful chocolate lab.  She talked to the breeder about keeping her until K'Lynn moved into a new place.  This worked out for a while, but she missed her so much!  She eventually talked the roommates into allowing her to bring Evie early.  It was touchy, but K'Lynn really enjoyed having the companionship.  She eventually decided that this wasn't a good fit and that she needed to move out sooner.   She began to look, but everything was so expensive.  If she were to move early, she would have to pay double rent for a while.  At almost $800/month, she could not make it work.  She mentioned her search at school and one of the students heard about it.  She told K'Lynn that her family had an apartment attatched to their home and that it was opening soon.  Although reluctant, she went and looked at it.  Tiny, but very affordable and it had a fenced back yard for Evie! She put down the deposit and moved in last Saturday.  We went over to help and got her settled in.  What a great opportunity for her to have a great place of her own!  God truly provided!

On Friday afternoon prior to the move,  her brother called with a question.  Would she be available to come to Birmingham to spend the rest of the summer working with the Orange Team at Student Life?  Oh my...had not expected this...uh...opportunity.  By Sunday, it seemed to be a done deal.  So much for a summer, I guess!  God had made everything fall into place, though, so it seemed like a no-brainer.  What about Evie, though?  Oh yes...the new landlady!!  Evie will be in her very own yard, playing with her very own toys until her 'mama' returns home in several weeks.  K'Lynn went over Sunday night to secure the final details with her landlady and to drop off post-dated checks.  One last confirmation needed that this was a God thing?  OK...the landlady asked her to take $200/month off of each check.  She did not feel right about charging her the full rent since she was not going to be there.  Wow...just wow!

She flew out this morning.  Her dadddy and Hannah drove her to Houston super early and saw her off.  I talked to her a few times and her trip was smooth.  Ryan picked her up at the airport and drove her to Covenant College for her first night of worship.  She was anxious and excited.  She was also very clear on Who to give the credit to for all of this.  Now...since God is into details and big plans...maybe there is a husband for her at one of these camps??  My mouth to His ears....:-)

Watch for those opportunities...He is working things out for your good all of the time!!

The things you cannot see...

I have been thinking a lot lately about the pain each of us carries that no one else can see. It can be physical or emotional. Either way, it is virtually invisible to the outside world. Sometimes others can see it, but only if they choose to look closely. Most of the time, though, we carry it alone. If you have never felt this, count yourself lucky. If you know what I mean, then you are in good company.

I began thinking of this two years ago when I was preparing for a hysterectomy. I walked into a store the day before the surgery to buy new slippers for the hospital. The thought crossed my mind that I must look to anyone else just like an ordinary gal that needed new house shoes. On the inside, though, all of the "what if"s were playing over and over in my head. I thought about how this preoccupation with the surgery and my fear caused me to be a little rude to those around me. I was completely self-absorbed. As I made it though the surgery, I realized I had worried for nothing. God was in control and His plan was for me to recover quickly and fully. In the moment, though, I was hurting emotionally with no one to console me. My faith in God got me through, but it was still hard.

My youngest, Hannah, experiences this silent and hidden pain. We have spent the last 4 days dealing with another round of ovarian cyst pain and everything that goes along with it. It is one of those vague, hard to describe types of pain that tends to be dismissed by many medical professionals. In the ER last night, a very well meaning doctor admitted that the problem was " something female related" and gave us meds for pain. He really did not know what else to do, but at least he addressed the main and immediate problem. Anyone that has not experienced this probably does not really understand it. She misses school, she cannot do many of the things expected in athletics at times, and seems to complain a lot to some. In reality, she is tough as nails and this is very painful. I have seen her suck it up and do whatever needed done, even though she was hurting so badly. I know that she will be a much stronger person for getting through this. It is my job in the mean time to support her through the invisible pain.

I have friends that live with Lupus, Fibromyalgia, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Osteoarthritis, Anxiety, Depression, feelings of despair....the list goes on and on. It is not like having a broken bone that you get a cast on for everyone to sign. These are conditions that usually have no outward symptoms, but the pain is very real. The good news is that God sees that pain. He wants us to lean on Him for strength and support. He can meet our needs and heal our pain.

I guess I am putting this out there as a pledge that I will try to be more sensitive to those around me in pain of any type. I will do what I can to help, even if that is just acknowledging it's existence. Everyone needs to feel heard and validated. Love you all....

What a busy Saturday!!

This day started out early.  Awake by 6, bath and get ready for the day.  Woke everyone up by 7, out the door by 7:20.  Off to find some yard sales with Kyle, Hannah and Grandma.  Busy with this til about 11, lunch at Chickfila, then a quick trip to Sam's.  Hanna was ill, so we went home without buying groceries. 
Home and tucked Hannah into the recliner with lots of drugs on board.  Did the dishes...bathed Lucy in the sink...bathed Cooper in the sink...took a 15 minute nap.  Worked on the computer a bit, got ready and left for College Station again around 4 pm.  Unexpected visit with Kristi and  Caroline, and then groceries.  Lots of coupons and bargain shopping later, I left with two buggies of food .  Haven't spent that much on groceries in a while,  but we were out of everything!

Home again with the food, Kyle and Hannah helped unload.  Hannah and I cleaned out refrig and freezer, putting the food away as we went.   Supper (rotissere chicken!) was delicious, and then Hannah wanted a cake.  We had no frosting and no powdered sugar, so I googled a recipe that onlu used sugar, milk, flour, butter and vanilla.  Wow!  Delicious too!

Amidst all of this, we have had guests, puppies run away, laundry was done and now I am blogging.  I am exhausted.  Think it might be time to turn in!!

I have a new driver in the house...

Hannah is a driver now.  After two attempts at the driving test, we left Brenham last month with a license.  We waited just a little bit and then went and purchased a car.  I was not going to do that- I was never going to be the parent that got their kid a new car- but here we are.  Not brand new, but very new.  She has a 2011 Dodge Nitro.  Large enough, safe, waranteed, AAA membership, and insured.  I do not want to talk about the ways this will make me broke....trust that it will.  :-)

It has been a season of change around here- not just the new driver.  I took a new job this week.  I am now working for a neurorecovery center in Conroe, Touchstone.  I will be traveling quite a bit.  That will be new for our family.  I will be covering New Mexico, Texas and anywhere else Ann needs me to be.  I love the job so far.  It is a wonderful opportunity for me.  A great position for an LVN.  I sure hope I can make the travel work with our family.  Having Hannah drive sure helps.  We will see how it goes.  Blessed by the job and by the opportunity.

In the quiet....

Early in the morning has always been my favorite time of day.  From the time that I was a very young child,  I can remember getting up early.  This was my time.  I love being with people, but there is something about my own time to prepare for the day and gather my thoughts.   It is my own twist on my mother's tendency to sit up all night doing whatever...she is an all-nighter and I am a super early riser. Both of us seek the same thing....quiet and time alone. 

I would rise just as the tv began to change from the test screen to the National Anthem.  I remember slicing up potatoes and frying them in grease with onions and eating them with ketchup.  I remember watching PTL Club on tv and knowing all about Jim and Tammie Faye Baker before their scandal.  I never felt drawn to sending them any money, but I did think it was funny to watch her cry so much.  I do not remember anything else about the morning routine but this, but I remember this pretty well.

As a young mother, my mornings were very different.  Babies, toddlers, diapers, and bottles...so much for quiet time.  The kids got older and the mornings got quiet again.  They reached an age where they enjoyed sleeping in and my mornings were my own again. 

You might be wondering where Kyle fits into my quiet morning time.  He doesn't.  He loves to sleep, doesn't ever get enough sleep, and gets up when I wake him- rarely spontaneously.  He is a 'middle of the day' kind of guy.  Not great at late nights, not too much for early mornings.  He works his best in the late morning or early afternoon .  That works for us!  I am the morning shift, he works the afternoon shift, and I guess now Grandma covers the night shift at our house.  :-)

I would like to say that I spend most of my morning quiet time in total bible study or fervent prayer.  I would like to say that I ran 5 miles a couple of miles during that time.  I would love to say that I did online courses and furthered my education during that quiet time.  I cannot claim any of that actvity.  Here is how it usually goes instead:  up with the puppies to take them out, run bath water, grab some breakfast, take a bath, play around on Facebook, wake Hannah up, get ready for work and out the door.  Nothing too productive, but it is relaxing.  It is time without the pressure (just for a bit)  of work or my phone.  Time before patients need to be seen and evaluations need to be put into the computer.  My time, as much as any time is mine. 

I need this time- with the schedule I keep, it is the only quiet time I get.  This week has been no exception.  Every night this week, gone for hours attending one event after another.  As busy as it is though, I love it.  I don't do idle well, apparently.  In the quiet of the mornings, though...I try.

Be blessed!

I wonder if they know....

I have come to really wonder about people.  I know society has changed alot and that children aren't raised like they were 50 years ago, but what is the  deal? I wonder if they know how they look and sound sometimes.   Here are some of the things I have seen that baffle me.  Maybe you will be able to relate to one or more.

• Why do grown women need to take pictures with so much cleavage showing?  Not attractive...especially when you are already married and over 30.
• Do you realize what LMAO means?  Would you say that out loud....in front of your boss or mother?  Try using  LOL or LMBO instead.  Same idea, better for kids to read.
• In the workplace, do you realize the poor impression you make when you use foul language?  Anyone can use 4 letter words....be more creative.
• Have you realized yet that character is invaluable?  Develop it.  I have come to know several young adults that have so much of it and I am excited for their futures.  I know too many adults that have so little and their lives reflect this.  Try hard to be a good person and do the right things.  People are looking and habits are being developed.
• Who says you have to wait until you are  30 to get married?  Who says you have to marry the minute you graduate from college?  Whose business is it anyway when you make that choice?  If you have the Holy Spirit living in you...if you are a believer...God will provide the person and the time for you to meet that person if it is His will for you to marry.  I feel so much pressure for those single young women I know to do things on society's timetable.  Not ok...we are all designed differently.  God's path for each of us is different.
• In sporting competitions,  there are two types of people.  Those that have been molded into great atheletes with integrity and character and everyone else.  Good coaches teach students to honor the game and the other players.  Shake hands with the competition before and after a game.  If a player is hurt, take a knee and be quiet.  If you score, don't act like you just won the Super Bowl.  This is high school.  No one is as impressed as you are with yourself.
• Has anyone ever told you that confidence and cockiness are not the same thing?  Strength and confidence are attractive and magnetic.  Being cocky is quite the turn off for most people.  And do NOT refer to yourself in the 3rd person!!  
• Do you realize that gossip is like poison?  Be so careful as you share.  You do not know who may hear you , who they know,  if they will repeat it, or if it will be heard with the same feeling it was said.  Our tongues are so hurtful at times!

I think this is enough of a list for one night.  Feel free to discuss....
Be Blessed!!

Empathy and pity

I have blogged in the past about my "gift" of empathy.  I am thankful for this trait, more and more as I get older.  I realize that God designed me to cry easily and feel things deeply.  I know that this helps to balance the other personalities in my home.  God just made me that way, so it is ok.  Pity is another thing.

I have discovered that while I am overly endowed with empathy, pity I am short on.  Situations that might otherwise bring about pity in other people's minds brings me to a point of frustration.  If it is a perfect stranger, I might be able to muster up some small amount of pity.  People I know, though, do not get that luxury.  I am frustrated with some family members whose behaviors are self-destructive.  I am bothered by other that seem not to care for themselves as much as others care for them.  I cannot tolerate it when friends make the same poor choices again and again.  Frustration- not pity.

I sure am glad that God does not look at me the same way.  His love for me is not based on anything I do or do not do well.  My decisions don't make Him love me less, my attitudes  don't erase my relationship with Him.  Realizing this forces me to think about my 'gifts'.  If I can be full of empathy, why not pity?  I have to work on this.  I have to become more like Christ, less like me.  My nature is selfish.  My flesh is full of flaws.  Good to remember when I start leaning to my own understanding.  More of Him...more of Him.

The year the holidays were different....

The holidays are very different for my family this year.  We have known for a little while that Christmas would be different.  Ryan and Courtney are getting married!!  That will change things a lot.  So, travel plans have been made.  Adjustments have been made regarding gifts and schedules. We are trying to roll with everything, making sure Hannah gets a Christmas (she is still our kiddo at home), while honoring the wonderfulness of the wedding.  So far, so good!

Thanksgiving was going to be interesting from the begining.  I worked on Wednesday before the holiday and was scheduled for Black Friday also.   Lots of pressure being applied by the regional management due to a low census, so there was no taking off.  We agreed that we would just leave as soon as we could on Wednesday and travel back Thursday evening.  Fast trip, but we wanted to see family.  It is important.  Goody cake, ham, homemade rolls, and cranberry salad...I wanted these things too!

Monday before Thanksgiving, Hannah woke up sick.  She had a sore throat primarily, but aches, low grade fever, and headache.  She continued to feel this way on Tuesday.  Tuesday night, I took her to urgent care.  "The crud"...not much of a diagnosis, but it was the info we received.  Cough syrup,  advil, rest...not much else to do.  Wednesdy, though, we had to make the call.  Were we going to travel to MawMaw's with Hannah feeling so bad?  Lots of discussion, phone calls, and re-assurances later, Hannah finally said she did not feel like going.  She felt terrible, knowing it would change everyone's Thanksgiving.  We reassured her that no one would be mad.  We would see everyone at Christmas.  No need to feel guilty!

No food in the house, so I had to go shopping for Thanksgiving.  I envisioned Christmas at the Kranks with my trip to the store.  Fighting over a turkey or something...big crowds...limited supplies. I knew it would be bad.  I was also wondering how I was going to cook a full dinner without any help!  Kyle would be a helper, but Hannah could not.  Hannah did help me in the store, though.   Lots of folks there that waited until the last minute to get their supplies also.  Not too bad, though.   She and I decided to avoid the normal turkey day food.  We went with surf and turf instead.  Sirloins and extra large shrimp (16/20s) grilled to perfection.  Kyle is quite the artist on the grill.  Hannah rose to the occassion and made two pumpkin pies.  We made Kyla Kay's recipe of brocolli rice caserole.  We did fresh green beans with bacon and brown sugar.  It was delicious!  A very different Thanksgiving, but it was ours and we were together.

Christmas will bring it's own set of changes.  The best part, no matter how things are different this year, is that we are a family that loves one another.  We can communicate and enjoy each other.  We laugh at the cousins and the silly games they play year after year.  We have moved beyond exchanging gifts and now realize that the time we are together is the real gift.  We enjoy PawPaw's smokey cook shed and Sauce Picante'.  We have all been together so many years... we are just enjoying ourselves!  New family members have been added and are being added.  Husbands, wives, grandchildren,  in-laws, and even pets.  Life changes and God is in control.  So thankful for the year the holidays were different.  So many more changes to come!

Back in time: December 13 & 20, 1985

My first Christmas as an "adult"- at all of 16 years old!  Makes me laugh now, since Hannah is 16 and I cannot imagine her doing any of this.  She would manage, just like I did, but I am thankful she doesn't have to!

December 13, 1985:
     I never had any idea one holiday could be so expensive!  At home, I never had to pay for much of anything at Christmas.  Mother even paid for (before I started working) Kyle's presents from me.  This year is a really a switch!!

    Buying for Kyle was easy.  We bought our TV, which will serve as Christmas this year.  He also needs some new jeans, socks and underwear.  I have never bought anyone underwear from Christmas before!

    Kyla and Kelli are a little harder.  I know pretty much what Kyla wants since we've been shopping together a lot.  Kelli on the other hand, is a complete mystery.  I think she wants clothes, shirts in particular.

     My sister is pretty easy since she has such a small wardrobe.  I'd like to buy her something really expensive that no one else will have.  Mom and Dad can't buy her all of the finest things, and somehow I feel that she deserves them.  I wish I could get her all of the things she wants.

    Why are parents so hard to buy for?  We have no idea as to what we should buy them!  Even though they are not expecting much, I still feel as if we should get them someting extra special.  Kyle said he was getting me something, but I have no idea what it could be!

   I'd really like to have a big party to show off my nice 'new' house to all of our friends, but if we are going to see my grandmother there is no way we could afford it.



December 20, 1985
    Finally school is going to be out!  I've waited so long for this much needed vacation.  We are leaving on Wednesday (Christmas Day) for my granma's house in Missourri.  It's a 400 mile trip and since I love long rides, I can't wait!  This is a 'first' for me in many ways.

• It's the first time Kyle and I are going away together.
• It's the first time I've seen my grandparents in 5 years.
• It's the first time I've gone on a trip and gotten to drive.
• It's the first trip I've ever made while being pregnant.
• It's the first time I've ever left Booger (the dog) with anyone else.

   I really am looking forward to getting to drive on a major highway.  If it's not too crowded, it should be fun!


Merry Christmas!!

Back in time: November 15 and December 6, 1985

November 15, 1985:
I finally feel like a real mother!!  On Saturday, November 9th, 1985, my baby finally moved!!  It felt like a little foot or hand was pushed up, no bigger than the size of my thumb.  It stayed there for a minut and then subsided.  Later that evening, I could feel it turning around in it's confined quarters, trying to find a comfortable position.

Kyle can't feel it yet, but he did feel a foot or hand the other day as it pressed against the wall of my stomach.  He feels a little more like a "Daddy" now too I think.  Now when I am away from Kyle, I don't mind it quite so much.  I know the baby is there and it's almost as good..  It is really strange carrying a child inside me that is  really and truly alive.  It seems like that since it can move, it needs to be out and in the world.  I can't wait until it finally is here.

I paid off the doctor yesterdy and made a $100 down payment at the hospital.  That leaves a balance of $850 which can be pain in the next 6 weeks.  i'm not sure how we'll do it, but we'll have the money.

We bought a car yesterday.  Actually, we sold Kyle's old '57 Chevy truck to a guy in Atlanta for his 1980 LTD and $450.  The car is in really nice shape and doesn't seem  to have much wrong with it.  It'll be a family car and Kyle will keep the Mustange to play with.

The baby is moving again!  Now I'm a mom!  (or at least as much of a mom as I can be at this stage of the game!)

December 6, 1985:
My test scores really surprised me!  I wonder how well my friends did in Queen City?  I also wonder if I would have done as well if I had still been going to Queen City.  There, I wasn't a 'stupid' kid, but I walso wasn't the smartest.  Although I maintained A's and a few B's, I still felt inferior around those who were a little smarter than I .  I guess going here has helped my grades int that I don't feel that I am fighting an uphill battle.  There is very little competition (only 7 or 8 people compared to 128!) and I really feel that I have an edge for once!

The baby has been moving quite a bit lately.  Kyle, who didn't think too much about it at first, is begining to become excited at the thought of a son or daugher of his very own.

We are still planning on going to my grandma's for Christmas with my family provided that the LTD will make it.  It needs some work done on it, but I think it will be ok.

We bought a new TV last Tuesday (12-3).  It is a 19" color Hitachi It was $329.89 on sale which was a little more than I had planned on spending, but it will be our Christmas.  Before that we were watching a little 12' black and white job that  was in pretty bad shape.  Kyle has really enjoyed not having to s t rain his eyes to see what was on.  I can't wait until tomorrow to watch cartoons in full color!!  (Yes, at 16 3/4 years old, pregnan and married, I still watch cartoons!!))

Back in time: November 1 & 8, 1985

((Accepted by my new class...what a great feeling!))

11/1/85-  I really never though that after being here for only two months I would become the president of the junior class!  I never even really thought anyone liked me.  It really was a nice surprise!

Halloween was kind of fun.  We got to decorate the house and give candy to the little kids dressed in costumes from Walmart.  There must have been 75 kids at my doorstep from 5:30-7:30.  Some of them I knew, others I didn't, but I had fun being on 'the other side of the door' for the first time!

This kid is really growing now!  I imagine I've gained 5 lbs in the last week or so.  Kyle laughs at me and says I'm beautiful.  I don't feel very beautiful but if he insists, I will go along with it!  I thought at first that maternity clothes were the ugiest things I had ever seen, but now they make a lot of sense.  I hate trying to squeeze into my old tight clothes now.  I got a few shirts from one of Kyle's cousin's wives, but no pants.  I had to buy a pair of jeans from Walmart, and they are what I wear most of the time.  I'm learning how to sew, so I'll be able to make some of my own clothes.

11/8/85-   Well, my class ring finally came in.  I guess it looks ok.  Kyle was really glad I got a 'traditional' class ring.  He doesn't like the other styles.

Adam is going to be seven on Sunday.  I bought him a "He-Man" character whose eyes really bug out.  It's his favorite one now, but I wonder if it still will be on Sunday?  He is growing up SO fast!!  It seems like only yesterday Mother was pregnant and I was looking forward to a new sister or brother.  I was so excited when he finally came!!  I wonder if our baby will be as excited if and when it  has a baby brother or sister.  I'm still not sure when we'll have anothe one.  I think I need to let this one grow up a little before it has anyone to share the spotlight with.  I also want it to be old enough not to be jealous of a new baby, but to enjoy it like I did Adam.  That is not to say we'll wait almost 10 years like my parents did, though.

These new feelings I am having are difficulty to understand sometimes.  Is it the baby moving around or is it just gas?  It sounds funny, but I'lve had some gas (or something!) that felt like I was being knocked down!  Actually, that's only when I eat chili.

I go to the doctor in 2 1/2 weeks.  He said we'd be able to hear the heart beat (s?) by then.  Since twins run in my family, there is a slight chance of there being more than one heart beat.  I can't wait to hear it (or them!)!

Back in time; October 18 & 25, 1985

10/18: ((Pregnancy seems to be agreeing with me...I am about 4 months along now and the morning sickness is over!!))

This is so exciting!!  For the past two or three days, I have actually felt my little 4 month along baby move!     It is sometimes hard to tell if it is that or gas (ha ha!), but most of the time that is what it is.  It never lasts for long and its not kicking or anything, but at least I can finally tell I am not alone.  I'll go back to the doctor in a few days and see how much weight I've gained.  I know I've put on at least 5 lbs because now I have quite a tummy!  That is another thing I am having to get used to- my expanding figure.  Before I never had uch of a stomach and was really proud of it.  I loved wearing jeans that 'fit' and tucking my shirts in, but not now.  If I did, all you'd see was one huge tummy!  Actually, I  kind of enjoy being able to put on a few pounds without feeling guilty.

Also, I am not worried about money anymore.  Kyle and his dad have landed a contracting job with the government.  It is for a  1-year trial period.  if that works out, they get a 5 year contract.  That finally means some steady money!!  The doctor bills will be paid without a struggle now!  I guess I'm really in a good mood this week!!


10/25:  ((Making plans and doing laundry...))

More good new!!  Kyle and I were finally able to buy a washer and dryer!  The washer is used, probably 2-3 years old and cost $100.  The dryer, though, has only been used   5 or 6 times and was only $200!!  Kyle priced the same new and it was almost $400!  We paid $200 down on the pair and will pay the other $100 within 30 days.  It's strange though.  Before I got my washer and dryer and dishwasher, my house and kitchen was a lot cleaner!  Now I have dishes stacked up for 2 miles!!

Kyle and I have been talking about going to visit my grandmother in Missouri next summer.  By then the baby will be here and they will get to see it.   I'm the oldest grand child so this is their first great grandchild.  When I mentioned going to my mom and dad, they said that they were going around Christmas.  They also said that if we wanted to, we could go then too and follow them.  Those will be cheap vacations since we only pay for gas and meals up there and back.  I think Kyle will really like my grandparents.  They are real country people.  They live on a ranch of about 250 acres on a mountain.  They have chickens, ducks, cows, bees and buffalo!  I haven't been there in about 4 summers, and I would really like to see a real live buffalo.  At Christmas, it almost always snows and the hills are beautiful!!  They also have a creek running through the back of their land which has caves along side it (int he hills on either side of it).  The creek is deep enough to canoe on  sometimes, but the beavers like to dam it up a lot.  We used to swim in it when I was younger.  I really can't wait!It is so cozy there.  I also love the trip up there.  It takes about 10  hours to get there through nothing but mountains.  I hope the Mustang (or 'The Horse" as Kyle calls it!) will make it!!  I like stopping at the McDonalds in Branson about 11 pm or so and getting hot cherry pies and Cokes.  I wish we could leave a little sooner!  I also wish that the baby would already be here by the time we do go at Christmas!  Then again, grandma would like to see me all fat and expecting!

Back in time: October 4, 1985

((Married 6 weeks by now...the reality of being a wife and housekeeper was setting in.  The teacher I mention in this entry taught me so many things that I still enjoy doing like cooking.  Good foundation being laid here...))

I have a new hobby that I am really excited about!  Mrs. Weems, my clothing and textiles teacher, has introduced our class to needlepoint of all forms.  The first project we made was done in "candlewicking". I really like making those little knots!  The next project was just plain needlepoint.  It was easy to do and didn't take too long.  Yesterday we started cruel embroidery which is fun, but takes a lot more time.  With these new skills, I'm aquiring, I might be able to make some cute things for the baby.

I'm afraid my housekeeping, which has been less than satisfactory in the past day or so, is going to cause some problems.  It's not that Kyle has said anything about it, but I can't stand to look at it!!  I know that there must be time SOMEWHERE in my schedule for this extra work, but I know I haven't found it yet.

I was really proud to be a former Bulldog last Friday night when Queen City walked all over Atlanta. The game was really good and it was nice in a tacky sort of way to see those proud Atlanta people walk out defeated!  It really was nice, also, to see a lot of my friends from Queen City who I miss very much.  They were all really nice to me and acted like they were glad I was there.  I wish that there were some way I could go back.

Also, in case you were wondering, we finally used the gift certificate you gave us yesterday.  It went for a new fireplace grate and the shovel and broom set that goes with it.  Thank you Mrs King!!

Back in time: September 27, 1985

((I have often told people that when I got married and we were trying to figure out how to pay for a baby, no one ever said the word "Medicaid" to me.  I maintain that this was the very BEST thing that happened to us during that time.  We learned to pull together, pay for our own way, and trust God to help us get through.  The dollar amounts in this entry make me smile...it was so long ago and money was so different then.  Minimum wage was about $3.35, so the thought of making $7 was huge!!.))

As we drove to Atlanta, all we could think about was "How are we going to pay for this child?"  Super figures ran though our heads, $2000, $2500 or more.  We have no insurance, so we are responsible for the full amount.  Kyle has been working for his grandmother, but how long would that hold out?

After we arrived at the doctor's office and filled out the necessary papers, we were told we had to discuss our method of payment with the insurance lady.  We sat down in her office and she began to explain the charges.  $385 for the doctor, due by the 7th month.  An additional $950 was due also by the 7th month to the hospital.  There would also be a $12 office charge during each visit.  Not counting the $12 office charges, that was a grand total of $1335.  Over the next four months, that is $333.75/month.  We were really relieved that it was only $1335, but the fact that it is due in only 4 months is what is scary.

From now on, our family ( of 2 1/2) is going on a strict budget.  We have to or we'll never get everyone paid off.

One glimmer of hope, though.  The doctor said "April 14" and I am doing fine.  As a matter of fact, I've only thrown up twice this whole week!  Also, Kyle and his dad are about to go back into contracting (which is their first love) and Kyle is supposed to make $6-$7/hour.  It's a big improvement over the $4-$5/hr he has been making, so we might just make it after all!

Back in time: Sept 20, 1985

(( From my high school journal.  At this point, Kyle and I had been married for one month, 3 days.  We must have just moved from Kyle's parents home into our own and K'Lynn  was due in April.))

I really appreciate all of the things my mother went through with me.  I know what what true 'morning sickness' is.  I also know that it doesn't just come in the morning.  For the past three weeks, I have been sick.  I get up and eat, I go to the bathroom and I throw up.  The pattern continues all day.  I wonder what this is doing to my baby?  I've made sure I've been taking my vitamins, but will they be enough?  WIthout any real food, I am afraid I"ll end up hurting my baby.  I don't guess that I"m the first to have worried about this, though.  Surely other mothers-to-be have gone through times like this when they only keep a third of what they eat.  I know all of this might sound silly and probably kind of gross too, but I am really worried about it.

Along with all of that, I am now having to learn how to keep house, cook, do dishes, make beds, clear tables, do the laundry and still find time for my homework.  I may have bitten off more than I can chew, but I know I will make it somehow.  Kyle has actually been a big help.  He clears the table and fixes his own breakfast sometimes when I am sick or in an extra big hurry.  I'm really glad I married him!!

This entry seems to be filled with gloom and despair, but actually I am quite happy with my new life. Besides, I am 2 months along, so the morning (all day) sickness should't last much longer.  Maybe a month or so.  The only problem is that after that 3rd or 4th month- I GET FAT!!!

Back in time: September 6, 1985

I should preface the next few "Back in time" entries with a little history.   If you don't know, I married my sweet husband  on Aug 17, 1985.  I was 16 and we had a baby girl on the way.  I left my high school  in May and never returned.  I moved to McLeod, TX where my husband was from and began life there as an adult- sort of!  In my English class every week or two, the instructor had us journal for 15 minutes each week..  Here is the results of that effort.  All of these years later, the memories are very special to me.

Entry #1:
Even though we disappointed them, they stood by us and are still standing by us.  Our parents probably went through a hundred different feelings as we told them.  Anger, at us pretending for so long that nothing was going on, and hurt that we hadn't shared our problem with them earlier.  If I had been my mother, I would have wanted to beat someone or something up to release my frustration. I am sure they felt plenty of that also.  Afer the initial shock wore off, the day-to-day problems were their biggest worry.  "Where will they live?  They have no insurance, who will pay the hospital?  Kyle isn't even working- how will they ever make it?"  With all of these questions rushing through everyone's heads, I thought "Surely there is some way to get off of this merry-go-round!"

There was...because God was there.

Even though we had left Him so far behind so many times, He was there...waiting for us to turn it all over to him once again.

Two days after we were married, The Lord sent Kyle a job- which was f antastic because I had been asked to leave my job earlier that day.  My boss saw that I was sick and knew it wasn't going to get much better.  She told me that if I couln't work to go home, so I did.  I was afraid to tell Kyle because that $110 every week was all we had.  He told me not to worry, he'd get a job soon and sure enough- that very night he did!!  God really does work miracles- even today!

Narrow minded...

I was listening to the coverage on the election this week (like everyone else).  After listening now for almost two years to election talk, I have come to realize something.   I am narrow minded. 

I am a Republican, if I have to pick one.  Possibly an Independent, definitely a Conservative, and slightly Libertarian.  I am not a Democrat.  If you are my friend and you are a Democrat, I am sorry if this seems offensive.  I am not offended that you are Democratic, but respect your choice to choose your own party.  I would like to line out the reasons why I am so narrow minded, however.

First of all, I should say that I never wanted to vote for Mitt Romney.  My favorite AM talk show host called him "Mittens" during the primaries.  I always laughed at this.  I voted for Rick Perry, and would again today if  he were an option.  I did go, though, and vote for Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan with hope and confidence.    I believed that God had appointed them for this hour,  I believed that God would make straight the crooked path set ahead.  I knew that He could...but I knew that the reality was that we deserved anything that happened  at this point.

My facebook is filled with conservative friends, much like me I suppose.   I know the old saying of 'birds of a feather' is true if my list is any unit of measure.  My  liberal friends could be counted on my two hands despite the fact that I have well over 1000 friends on FB.  I do not like confrontation and discovered long ago that I didn't fight well on FB, nor do I tolerate liberal posts that offend me.  I hid everyone that I didn't want to watch circle the drain, or I blocked them all together.  Do not scold me about this- it is my FB and is there for my pleasure.  I won't tell you how to manage your list if you don't tell me how to manage mine!  All of that being said, I know people that really enjoy debating on FB with others.  I don't feel that I am good at it, don't feel that it changes anyone's mind, and always get my feelings hurt.  I am just fragile like that, I guess!

Now that the election is over, I am still in a bit of a fog about the whole thing.  Tuesday night, the reality of the vote began to set in.  I started out very hopeful, but this faded very quickly.  I drove Hannah home from her volleyball practice and listened to the coverage.  She and I talked about some of the issues and I was so impressed with her grasp of them.   Even at 16, she realizes the impact our nation's situation will have on the life she will form someday on her own.  The tax debt is one thing, but the moral decay is another.  She gets it.  As I drove, the realization that Romney was not going to pull this out hit me.  I began to cry.  I did not want to think about a world where Obama was our president any longer.  I quietly wiped away tears and  sniffled   It was just a sad drive.

Wednesday morning, I woke up hoping it had been a bad dream.  It wasn't, but I knew that God was in control.  I do not subscribe to the thought that Obama winning  is God's will.  I believe that God gives us choices.  People chose  to stay home...to not vote...to be frustrated because the ideal candidate wasn't on the ticket...to pick the candidate of 'stuff'...they chose allright.  We will pick up the pieces for years to come.

I wish there was a better answer for our country.  I know that God is in control.  I will have to rest in that today.