Last night, I had a vivid dream. In the dream, he called our house. He asked that both of us get on the phone. He said "I have to talk to you both. I have realized that I was so competely wrong. I don't know what else to say other than that. I don't know how you would ever be able to forgive me. I know that what I did to you is really just unforgivable. I don't expect you to forgive me, but I would love to ask that you listen without hanging up." I began to cry...in my dream...it was all I really wanted. I don't want to go back to ABQ. I don't want to be under his influence any more. I don't want him to tell my husband how little he is worth and to make him wonder if he is good enough. God says he is, I say he is, our children, our church and our community say he is...that is all that matters.
When I woke up and realized it had only been a dream, I was sad. I wished so much that it could have been true. I wish that there was some way for things to be better. You invest so much in others when you think they are going to be in your life forever. There was a time that I thought we would be grandparents together. There was a time that I trusted him with my spiritual life. Now I know better on so many different levels. I wish my kids had never had to go through this experience, but I know they are better for it somehow. I am thankful for the ones God has put in their place. There will never be another famiy like them for us, because we won't ever allow ourselves to be that close to anyone else. Sad really...but necessary.
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