The year we had her....

Hannah is a senior this year.  I always imagined her senior year with a guy involved, I guess, because she has always dated in high school. Her freshman and sophomore years, she dated Carson.  These were sweet years and I remember them so fondly.  His family became a part of ours and is to this day.  It was a great way for her  to start experiencing love.  Her junior year, she dated Dillon.  It was fun going to the state football playoffs with his team and having their birthday party together.  Lots of fun memories of the times spent with both of those fellows.  I didn't know what to expect from this senior year though.

She started the year without a boyfriend.  She immersed herself into all of the activities of the year.  She played volleyball, she played basketball for two weeks, she left basketball and concentrated on golf.  We made senior overalls, she auditioned for one act play and got the lead.  She directed another school play.  She chose a college, and then chose another one...and then another one. :-). She has been a busy girl.  She has lots of friends that are male, but no boyfriends.  I thought about this often and wondered how she was doing.  She seemed fine, so I didn't worry. 

As this year has gone month after month, and she has remained single,  I have come to a realization.  This year is a gift from God to her Daddy and me.  This is the last year we really will have with her.  She has experienced love in the past, and will again.  She had known infatuation, and will again.  She knows what it is to sit up late talking and laughing on the phone with the one you love...but this year we have had the absolute pleasure of her company.  She has gone with us places we might not have had her with us otherwise.  She has spent time with us we didn't have before.  She has been less distracted by her phone and by texts.  Nothing against the boys or those times...it is part of the experience. I am just so thankful for the time we have had these past 8 or 9 months.

Graduation will be here in a blink.  She will go off to college (if she can ever decide where!) and God will begin to show her what His ultimate plans are for her and who they involve. There is time for all of that. For now, though, I will cherish the year that we had her.

The Pecans...

Many years ago, I learned how to make the simplest things- spiced pecans.  5 ingredients:  pecans, egg whites, sugar, salt and cinnamon- that is all there is to them.  Bake them slowly and turn them often...delicious. Over the years, I have shared these with a few friends that have come to love them and I have come to enjoy making them for them.  It is my way of expressing love to them in a very tangible way.   If I make these for you...you are special indeed.

I have always loved showing love to my family through food.  With Ryan, it is yellow cake with chocolate frosting.  For Kyle, it is green box spaghetti and purple hull peas.  K'Lynn- she loves chicken and rice.  Hannah's favorite would probably be....well, I am not even sure.  She and I love food together, so there are several things that she would feel loved by.  Probably anything from the Pioneer Woman cookbook...like Macaroni and Cheese or Blackberry Cobbler. OR actually it would be Caramel French Toast.  Yeah...that's it.  For my father in law, I make him breakfast casserole every time we go to visit.  It is so much easier to cook for some people to say "I love you and I value you" than it is to just say the words.  Memories are built into each bite.  The smells, the taste, the texture...all part of it.  I don't mind the idea of being remembered fondly either!

So, I made pecans this week for my sweet friends.  They are going through a hard time in several ways.  I miss them.  I wanted to show them support.  This morning, 2 1# bags were mailed out to their home.  A little hug from Anderson to their zip code.  Hope it helps in some small way.  Pecans and prayers.  That's all I have to offer right now.  :-)

Feelings are real, but complicated

Feelings are real.  They belong to the person who feels them.  They are also very complicated at times.  Feelings cause us to explode, or to bottle up; to love, or to hate; to rush, or to pause; to cry, or to laugh.  They cause us to take sides, be loyal, to love unconditionally, and to trust.  They can also cause us to be cautious, to be wary of, to fear and to swear 'never again'.  Feelings are individual, until shared.  While in my own head and heart, they are safe, unseen, untested, and just for me.  Once I begin to share them with someone else, I am vulnerable.  I won't just throw them out there. I have to be sure.  If I read the person wrong, I have been exposed and am subject to their ridicule or rejection.  I know what I want, but I am not sure what you want...and I am not brave enough yet to show all of my cards.  

This is true in any relationship.  Husbands and wives, dating or wanting to, friends and enemies, co workers, social relationships...whether it be a large issue or a small one.  The rules are the same.  I must feel things out before I speak.  I will send out tests to see how they are received and proceed based on this.  I need to know that it is safe before I jump in.

I am thankful that I have come to a place where I trust in one person.  For 32 years, he has been  listening to me, allowing me to work through situations without judgement, and loving me the whole time.  I pray that everyone can find that one.  It is scary at first.  Timing is everything.  Stops and starts are ok, but getting into rhythm is key.  God has a plan.  Seek Him to discover it.  Be intentional- be part of it.  Be brave and put yourself out there.  Everyone else is as scared as you are- at least at first.  

Be blessed.

Saying goodbye....

Said goodbye to a precious friend this week.  I cannot imagine anyone that has impacted my life more than Mr. Gayle Mitchell did.  From the first time we met 18 years ago to today, he was a friend, mentor, father figure,  stand in grandfather for my kids, traveling companion,chauffeur, and a million other things to me and to my family.  His wife is one of the Godliest women I have ever met, and together they have brought more souls to the kingdom than any other couple I personally know.  They have invested in the kids of Hempstead through "Kingdom Kids", "Children's Choice Daycare" and later through Jubilee Ranch.  They have been true ministers of the gospel- God's hands and feet in their town.  He will be missed by so many...

I went to the doctor's appointment  with Mr. Mitchell, Mrs. Jan and his daughter Ann in the fall of 2013 when he was diagnosed.  The oncologist said that even with treatment, his life expectancy was 3-10 weeks...that didn't give him enough time to get to Christmas.  It was such a sad day.  Very matter of fact, "this is pancreatic cancer and this is how it goes", and the doctor was very sympathetic.  We left in a bit of shock.  I went with Mrs. Jan to the store to get a notebook so that she could keep up with his treatments, times for medications, etc...  We thought we didn't have much time at all.   At the same time, people began to pray.  Prayer chains that spanned the whole country were activated.  People prayed for his comfort, for more time, and for a miraculous healing.  He began chemo and God began his own treatments on the cancer growing in Mr. Mitchell's body.   For many weeks,  he attended chemo and doctor's appointments.  He had scans and tests, he had blood work and he lost weight.  He began to look very different and it was a little confusing.  While we expected him to begin to wither away, he actually got healthier.  While the doctors did more scans looking for the cancer to spread to other organs, they  actually showed the tumors getting smaller.  He did have bad days, he did require a hospital stay or two, and he did struggle with some side effects from the chemo.  It wasn't an overnight kind of thing, but he got better instead of worse.  After several months, the doctor just shook his head and said something like "We have no idea why you are still here- just keep doing what you are doing!".  God was giving Mr. Mitchell more time...

That time was not wasted in any way.  Each week, new things were being done at their ranch.  An in-ground pool was put in for campers to enjoy.  The kitchen had a cook's cabin added.  A new art studio was put in.  Legal matters were attended to and things were put in place so that Mrs. Jan would be in good shape whenever the day did come when Mr. Mitchell was gone.  All in all, many people worked faithfully for months to give Mr. Mitchell the peace of knowing that Jubilee Ranch was going to continue  on as his legacy when he was gone.

We saw him in the hospital two weeks before he died.  He was in pain.  He was sicker than he had been before.  His liver was failing.  His time was short.  He went home on hospice and the countdown began.  He was moved to the living room in a hospital bed so that he could be a part of what was going on as long as he could.  Kyle and I went to visit with him one evening about a week before he died.  We talked about trips we had taken together.  We talked about our kids, which he and Mrs. Jan had such a big part in raising with us.  We laughed about funny times and we discussed details of things that Mr. Mitchell needed taken care of.  We asked if there was anything else that we could do for him so that he wouldn't worry.  His response will stay with me..."I am not worried about anything at all".  He had complete faith and confidence in his relationship with Christ.  He didn't have a care in the world...he knew his reward was soon at hand.  As we left, I stood up and kissed him on the head.  "I love you so very much" I told him.  We didn't use those words too often, as they were understood.  I felt completely comfortable telling him this, though.  I knew they were the last words I would say to him and I wanted to have no regrets of words unspoken.  Kyle stayed inside for just a few more minutes to talk with Mr.s Jan, but I walked out.  I had to.  I got in my car and sobbed.  I cried for the loss of this precious man.  I cried for the memories of his kindness and example.  I cried for Mrs. Jan and the loss of her best friend in the world.  When Kyle got into the car, I didn't stop crying right away.  I didn't have to- he totally understood.  We talked a little bit and remembered sweet things about the many, many things the Mitchell's had done for us over the years.  It was a quiet ride, full of lots of tears wiped away and sniffling.  After 31 years together,  it is so nice to know that Kyle and I can be 100% real in front of each other.  

Mr. Mitchell lived another week and I saw him once more.  Kyle saw him almost daily.  He was surrounded by family and friends and felt the love and support of each one of them.  On the morning he died, Mrs. Jan was right by his side.   She showed strength through this that amazed me.  She is truly an incredible woman...Gayle was always proud of her and would be to this day.   The memorial service was Friday.  So many wonderful friends and family members gathered  together to celebrate the life of Mr. Mitchell.  Kyle spoke with such love and admiration for this man that molded him more than anyone may have known.  I said that the service  was a celebration of a life well lived...and it was.  I sure miss you Mr. Mitchell.  You were one of my best friends.  I cannot wait to see you again someday.  It was a honor to be a part of your life.   

All in a day's work...

I went to a funeral today.  We were in Hempstead, a place that we lived from 1997-2004.  We raised our kids there.  We became a part of the community.  I had different jobs while we lived there and I  grew a lot.  Kyle was the student minister at First Baptist Church for 7 years.  It was a time we cherish.

Back to the funeral.  After the service was over, a lady approached me.  She said "Oh my goodness, I was just talking about you two days ago!".  I will be honest...she looked familiar, but I did not know who she was.  I did the best I could to hide this fact and allowed her to continue.  She went on to say that she had been sharing a story with someone earlier just this week about a time that I called her.  She said "When you told me that my sister had CANCER, I was just crushed."  This was helping me narrow down the circumstances of my involvement with her...must have been while I worked at the Brenham Clinic.  She went on to say that the thing that stood out most to her about that call was that she had been so upset that I actually interrupted her to ask "Ma'am, may I just pray with you right now?".  She said that that prayer helped her focus on what was important and to realize that God was in control.  Her sister is doing well, now 12+ years later.  She was so thankful, she said, that I was there for her when she needed me most.   I was very humbled by her sweet words!

You know the part of this story that puzzles me?  I don't remember it.  I don't remember comforting her.  I dont' remember praying for her.  I don't specifically remember her sister even coming into the office where I worked at the time.  I talked to Kyle about it as we left the church.  I could not understand why the events didn't stick in my mind, when they were so vividly engrained in hers.  After thinking about it for a while, though, I came to this conclusion:  Our ministry to others should be such a natural and normal part of our daily lives that we won't remember each specific time God uses us.  Bottom line is, I don't have to remember it.  She does, God does, and I was obedient when He asked me to be.  It was all in a day's work, I guess.

Brevity...

I know what you are thinking..."I know you...I talk to you (or listen to you)...you do not know anything about brevity.  You take a million words to make a single point.  Brevity is not your thing."  And, you would be right.  Brevity (concise and exact use of words in writing or speech) is not my strong suite.  But brevity, in relation to the shortness of time, is something I am becoming an expert on.  Here are some recent examples:

• Hannah is a senior.  Time is going by way to fast.  We are making plans for college, talking about careers and  a million other things that go along with her growing up and becoming an adult.  Time is short...
• Kyle and I were just married the other day, but in a few months  we'll somehow be married for 30 years.   Time moves fast...
• Yesterday,  a friend let me know that a child in her community just didn't wake up that morning.  He was only 17.  He had all of the same plans the rest of his classmates have- fun senior year, graduate, and college.  And now, those plans are all over.  More time is not promised...

I know  this about time, but somehow I forget it again and again.  I know that it is short, that it moves fast and that it isn't promised.  I know these things, but I act as though I have tons of time, guaranteed, and that each moment and situation will last and won't ever change.  I take it for granted.  I am like everyone else in this, I  am sure.  

Once in a while, I am just overwhelmed with feelings of gratitude for the time I do have.  I look around and just  feel extreme thankfulness for the people God has put around me to spend this brief life with.  My husband, my children, our families, our church family ...precious people, every one of them.  God designed each of them to fit into my life in just the capacity they are there.   Wouldn't trade a one of them!

So, back to this idea of brevity.  Life is so short.  Soak it up...one moment at a time.  Life moves so fast...don't miss it.  Life isn't promised.  Love those God gave you.  Don't take any of this for granted.  Time is short....

Be blessed!!

Flying again...and thinking.

When I fly, I have a lot of time to think. This week is no exception. My mind is racing with thoughts of family, church stuff, work stuff, business stuff, life stuff.   Today I am rereading my blog posts and asking God for a different answer to the same question. I do this a lot.  I watch movies I have seen before and actually expect there to maybe be a different outcome.  Dumb I know, just the way my brain works.  Dangerous too...

God has closed a "door" in my life that I continue to approach and listen at.  I continue to wonder what might be behind it.  I can almost feel myself getting down on my hands and knees, the side of my face on the cool floor, trying to peek underneath the door and see what might be coming.  I continue to think that maybe someday He will open it again. He showed me a while back that this door is definitely not open for now and might not be  ever.  He showed me other doors and I thought that was good, but then they closed too. I know it is foolish on my part to keep hanging around this idea and to think it could work.  I just do.  

Help me focus Father.  Help me wait on your plan.  Help me do Your will, not try to accomplish my own. 

Senior Year

In less than a month, school will start again.  In less than a month, my youngest, Hannah, will be a senior.  In less than a month, my last little bird will begin spreading her wings in preparation for her solo flight.  I am not sure I am ready for that.

In less than a year, I will be making plans to take Hannah to the college of her choice.  I am still not sure where that will be.  She is not totally sure where that will be.  God already knows.  In less than a year, so many of the questions that I have not will be history already.  Will she be in the homecoming court?  Who will she be dating?  What type of dress will she wear for prom?  Who will she go with?  What will her senior overalls look like (if that makes no sense to you, ask me later!)?  In less than a year, all of those questions will answered.  New questions will take their place.  What will she study?  Who will be the people that will influence her?  Will she follow in the footsteps of her sister and brother and become the final Childress kid to work for Student Life?  So much remains unseen.

I remember so well when Hannah was born.  I remember the pride that her sissy and bubba had when showing her off to people.  I remember the cute little clothes she wore.  I remember the many, many days that I would pick her up from Children's Choice Daycare.  She was Mrs. Jan's baby, the church's baby, the youth group's baby...everybody loved that kid!

I have watched my daughter grow into a confident young woman.  I have watched her be submissive to God's leadership in her life, even when it meant giving up things and people she loved.  I have watched God call her into Christian service.  I am watching her work through that calling, deciding what that will look like in her life.  I have seen her struggle, I have seen her cry, I have seen her decide and stand firm.  I know she is capable of whatever God has called her to do in the future.

All of this starts when school starts...in less than a month.  Senior year- here we come.  Ready, or not.

Meeting Dawn...

I have been at the pastor's conference in Jacksonville, Florida with our whole church staff.  Kim (dayschool and preschool), Andrew (youth), Candyce (children), Taylor (brand new music minister), Kyle (pastor/my hubby), and myself...together from Wednesday until sometime tonight when we finally get home.  6 days that went really well.  Yesterday, Candyce and I decided that we would get our nails done after we all ate lunch, since there was some down time during the schedule at the pastor's conference.  I should say that I usually don't have ever my nails done anymore.  Candyce wanted a pedicure and  I just wanted shellac.  Spur of the moment plan that seemed simple enough.

The rest of the group went to REI,  and some sporting goods store as they waited for us. Candyce and I walked in and let the lady at the front know what we wanted.  Everyone seemed friendly, they got us seated pretty quickly, and we both waited for our nail technicians to begin working on us.  Candyce was in a pedicure  chair and her young lady arrived first.  I was apparently waiting for a lady at the next table.  She was putting bright yellow polish on the nails of a girl that walked in about the same time.  I was not in a hurry, since I knew mine would take less time.  I tried to play on my phone, but it was basically dead.  Guess that eliminates that option as a time killer.  Eventually, the girl beside me was all painted up and it was my turn.

Dawn, as I came to know her, was a very pretty 60ish lady originally from Vietnam.  She put my hands in some very odd heating pad / glove things and gathered her supplies.  She and I talked, as I try to do when in this type of situation, about the shape I wanted my nails, the weather, and where I was from.  She got really excited when I told her "From Texas, near Houston".  Turned out, she used to live in Texas, Houston area too.  She named many places that were familiar to me.  She and her then husband (now  gone for 7 years) would go into an area, open and establish a nail shop,  and then sell it for a profit.  They had stores in the Woodlands, Sugarland, Cypress, La Grange, Athens...lots of places.  She said that she missed her husband and that her life had changed a lot since he had passed away.  She spoke English pretty well, understood it pretty well too.  She asked me if I had children, and I explained that I did.  She asked why I was in Florida and I told her that too.  I told her that I was not a pastor, but that my husband was.  I do this when I don't know the other person's background.  Some churches may  have this, but I don't want anyone to think I am one.  I am not called to be a minister, nor am I gifted to be one.  As soon as I told her that my husband was a pastor, she got excited again.  She reached out and touched my arm, asking "Oh, are you Baptist????"  Yes..."Oh, I am too!! AND I LOVE THE LORD AND JESUS!!!"  Her response was soooo refreshing.  When is the last time anyone said that to you?  Never would be my answer.  I knew I was going to like this lady.

We began to share information and experiences. She talked about her faith in very simple but very sincere terms.   She told me about how thankful she was every day that Jesus was her saviour.  She told me about her son, Vin, and how he is not a believer.  "He knows about Jesus, but he does not live for Him or have Him in his heart" she said.  I told her I would agree with her in prayer that this would go from "head" knowledge to "heart" knowledge.  She told me that her husband had become a believer before he died.  She knows she will see him again, although she misses him so much today.  She told me how she used to seek after money and more money when they were opening so many stores and selling them.  She said that now she knows that this world is not her home and that this life is temporary.  She does not desire the things of this world anymore.  I asked her if she owned the store we were in.  She said, "No...I just work now.  I want to have time to be with my family and to study my bible.".  "Besides, she said...what do I need that stress for?  My peace and hope is in my Jesus."   Wow...

At some point, she looked me in the eye and said, "God sent you to me today, I just know it!"  I was very humbled by this. While I know it is true that God has me cross paths with many people in any given day, no one has ever said that to me before.

Pretty soon, Candyce and I were both done.  My bill was small and I had extra cash which I felt compelled to leave Dawn as a tip.    The young lady that did Candyce's nails brought her to the front and showed Candyce's little pregnant belly off to the apparent manager of the salon.  "Doesn't she just have the cutest little pregnant tummy?" and both agreed.  I said, "That is baby Allie...we prayed for her for a long time!"  Candyce said "Yes, that is so true, I had multiple miscarriages before finally being able to carry this baby".  The manager said something that I remember well- "When you trust and ask Jesus for the things you want, He will give them to you".  Not prosperity gospel, but it reminded me of the verse in Psalm 37:4 that says "Delight yourself in The Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart".  Candyce told her that this was true for her and that this seemed to work out when she committed her life to The Lord fully.

I gave Dawn a hug as we left the nail salon.  "I will see you again someday" I told her as I walked out.  Made me think of that old saying "I'll see you here, there, or in the air" referring to the rapture.  Not sure how long that will be, but I know I will see her again.  Thankful for this brief encounter with another sister in Christ.  AND my nails look awesome!  Be blessed!!

Caught me totally by surprise...

We have been in Jacksonville Florida at the Pastor's conference all weekend.  Each day has brought new messages and wonderful music.  The 18 hour drive here has really been worth it , although I might tell you differently Monday night when we finally get home.

This morning brought a great message by Paige Patterson on Hosea.  Each time we begin a worship session, we start with music, have a sermon, have more music and then a second sermon.  Dr. Patterson's  message was followed by a really fantastic time of worship.  Amazing renditions of familiar hymns...I guess the songs made me go back emotionally to a time when I was a child and these were the normal things you would sing on Sunday mornings.  As is always true with my mind, one place then leads me to another place and other memories.  One by one, they took me to a place I usually try to avoid- my dad.

I have blogged many times about how much I have always had a strained relationship with him.  I had little or no respect for him as a child and as a young adult.  He did not treat my mother well  He  did not provide for our family well.  He was a failed pastor of tiny churches that always had turmoil.  These are the things that I always believed about him.  I have not necessarily changed my mind about these situations, but I have  come to question my perception a little.

The words of the song aren't important, but at some point God  brought my dad to my mind.  Today, my dad is in a nursing home.  He has not been on his feet or walked in almost 2 years.  He broke his hip and  has never recouperated.  My mother had him moved  from his home town to be only 7 miles from the town we live in now.  He is in a small room and has a roommate.  He eats all of his meals from his bed.  He has a foley cathater.  He has to ask for staff to help him with everything he does in a day.  It  has been quite a change from the life he used to have, in a way.  Actually, it is better in so many ways.  He is now given attention by people, which he longed for before.  He is seen by physicians and therapists, meeting his medical needs.  Before he fell and broke his hip, he lived alone.  He had no interaction with the world.  He was unable to drive, he was unable to go to church, and he was unable to care for himself fully.


This morning, though, I thought of him.  Not the bitter, difficult man he was back then, but the broken man he is today.  This dad of mine, this improved version, would have loved to have been in this service.   The old dad would have been critical of how the service was run, internally jealous of the other pastors, would have criticized how the music was, (too showy, too many musicians, etc...). But not this dad.  God has worked on this version of my dad to the point that I think he would have enjoyed it.  He would have possibly even raised his hands.  And, he would have cried.  Cried for all of the years before that so many opportunities were wasted.  Thankful for being part of the CHURCH, as opposed to a congregation.  The thought of him being there and enjoying this worship time brought me quickly and surprisingly to tears.  Only a sniffle and wet eyes at first, but then tears were actually streaming as I began to realize what God was showing me.  I had to stop singing, stop participating, and just stand in His presence and to listen.

I think He took me to the session I attended yesterday on forgiveness.  It was aimed at marriage, but it goes to all relationsihips.  I am being brought to a place of forgiveness for my dad.  I am being shown that I am as guilty for ignoring and wasting opportunities as he was.  I have been holding myself  back from him because of history.  He needs this from me and I must give it.  I don't know if i can give it away yet, but the time will come.

A mother's heart...

I remember when you were born.  I remember how much hope and promise you brought with you.  I have always wanted so much for you.  I have prayed for your health, for your decisions, for your heart, for your walk with Christ, for your attitude, for your future, for your purity, for your spouse, for your children, and about 1000 other things.  I have watched you love, watched you win, watched you grow, watched you have your heart broken, watched you lose, watched you learn, watched you serve, watched you worship, watched you lead...day by day, up and down, little by little.  I have been angry, thrilled, disappointed, proud, scared, speechless, and in awe of you.  I have wanted to hold you, kiss you, protect you,  spank you, cheer for you and I have even wanted to take your place when I knew the situation would be so very difficult.  I am much like any other mother would be.  I love you with all that I am and all that I have.

When I think about your future, I try not to envision too many details.  I have guessed before and have been seemingly very wrong.  I have predicted the future, only to have that future change drastically and prove me to be very bad at fortune telling.  I have  even said and done things to try to influence you to get to where I though you were going.  Trouble is, I am not in charge of where you are going.  Only God can see where He is steadily leading you.  You, as a believer, have the Holy Spirit within you to keep you on that path.  I trust Him, I trust you.

I am proud of where you are today.  It has been a long journey to get here.  You are not where you want to be yet, but in time you will be.  You are doing the things that it takes to achieve your goals.  You are making good choices.  You have the right people beside you.  You are not working from a place of self.  You are more like your Daddy than you are like me.  All of these things are positives!  You are my child and I could not have ordered you any more well designed than you are.  Cannot wait to see what is coming next.  I love you.

It all started 28 years ago

Today is my anniversary.  I married the man of my dreams 28 years ago today.  I should actually say I married the young man of my dreams...he grew into the man of my dream as time has passed.

I have told this story before.  I was 16, Kyle was 19.  I was pregnant with our precious daughter K'Lynn and we had just found this out a week before.  After a really short "engagement" of a week and the help of all of our families, we stood at the altar.  Bro. George Thomas did our services.  I borrowed his sweet wife Vicky's wedding dress.  Carol did the flowers, Linda Ann did the cake.  Mark took the pictures, Linda and my sister Debbie stood with me.  Lance and Russell were Kyle's attendants, and my baby brother Adam was the ring bearer.  I don't even remember having a flower girl, but who knows.  That was a long time ago.

We married on a Saturday and went that night for a quick honeymoon to Texarkana.  We ate steaks for supper at Bonanza and stayed at the  La Quinta.  I remember so many parts of that special day, but have forgotten many more.  All in all, it was a wonderful day filled with such hope and joy.  I know there had to be those in the church that day that questioned what we were doing, but I was not focused on them.  I had a peace despite the circumstances and uncertainty.  I knew God had a plan.

His plan was rich and woven with tears and laughter.  His plan brought people into and out of our lives.  His plan had amazing trips, lots of quiet nights, travel to other countries, and even a travel trailer.  His plan would include birth children, chosen children, friends children, and youth group members that felt like our own children.  His plan has allowed Kyle and I  to become "Honey " and "Pop" to a precious baby girl, the first of many to come.  His plan would bring some families close to ours, and would rip others away unexpectedly.  His plan would bring us through wrecks, illness, surgeries, births, deaths, moves, pets, horses, and so much more... Through it all, His plan was a road map for His will.  Each step taking us closer to the ultimate goal of moving us where He needed us to reach more people for Him.

So, after 28 years, I find myself more committed than ever to this life.  Not only to this marriage, but to this calling.  I am here, with my precious husband, until God calls one of us home.  I am here...I am thankful...I am...blessed.

Why am I not enough?

Caught you off guard with the title, huh?  By now, you are wondering- is Becky ok? (I am!) Is her marriage ok? (It is!)  Is she depressed (Not especially)  No, it is none of those things.  I am just asking a question that I know runs through the minds of most of us (if we are honest) from time to time. Here are a few examples.

Spoke recently with a man whose wife suffers from depression.  It affects every part of their life.  It affects her self-esteem, her self-worth, her motivation, her reactions to others, her job and even her health.  It affects his life too, because he is wondering why he is not enough to make her happy.  He wonders if he made more money, brought her flowers, talked more sweetly to her, if, if, if...would these things make her happy?  Probably not...

I had a friend in high school that I had not seen in many years.  We used to be very close, actually dated for a while, but life happened and we were no longer in touch.  I got a call one day telling me that he had killed himself.  He was married to a beautiful lady, had sweet children, had a good job...the basic things most people value in life.  For him, though, it was not enough.  The problem was internal.  It could not be fixed by someone else.  He was a believer in Christ, although I know nothing of his relationship with God since he was a teenager.  Even this relationship did not ensure that he would reach a point of 'happiness'.  His problems were deeper-they were medical, chemical, not just due to any situation.  I also learned that they had diagnosed him with bipolar disorder a few years prior to his suicide.  This was a big factor I am sure in his decision making process.  Not his wife, not his kids, not his parents, not his job...nothing was enough to make him want to live another day.  No one was 'enough'.

We are doing a study in our Sunday School class on insecurity.  I have learned through this class that almost any problem I can think of comes down to insecurity on some level.  This same insecurity also gives us a skewed perception of reality.  We see and hear what we want to see and hear, based on our perception of truth.  "I think I am too fat" is a great example of a common insecurity that many of us have.  Here is how that plays out in our day to day:

1.  I think I am too fat ....so

2. I am self conscious about how I look....so

3. I don't value myself as much as I should....so

4. I accept less than I deserve in relationships, jobs, situations...so

5. I have less than I could have from life...so

6. I become depressed....so

7. I overeat...so

8. I become bigger than I was before...so

9. I think I am too fat.

Ugly cycle, isn't it?

Those insecurities are tough enough to deal with when it is in your own head.  When it is in the mind of someone you love, it is almost impossible.  I know this from experience- on both sides of the equation.  I have been the insecure one and I have loved an insecure one.  Both are tough.  How do we work harder?  How can we be 'enough'?

 We have looked at the problem for a while now...what might be the answer?

Philippians 4:7

King James Version (KJV)

7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

This is the answer for both the insecure one, and the one that loves them.  We can not be enough, not for ourselves nor for anyone else.  God is the only one that can give us peace. .  It is that peace that we need.  With it, the issues of life seem manageable. 

So, I guess the answer to the question of "Why am I not enough", is that no one was designed to be enough for anyone else.  There is a gap in each of us that only God can fill.  No one will ever be able to be 'enough'.  Whew!  That is a relief, because I have no idea how to do that for anyone.  So thankful that God is enough.  HE is enough today, tomorrow and forever.  HE is enough in trouble, in peace, and in joy.  He is enough.

Becoming Honey...

Last year, we attended lots of football games.  Week after week, we traveled on Fridays to stadiums miles and miles away from our home to watch one team play.  It was fun, and we enjoyed it a lot, but I took something away from that football season that I will keep forever- a new name.

Andrew (my 'son', not by birth but choice) and Kim (his sweet wife and also a child of mine by choice) had a baby a year and a half ago.  Audra was the prettiest baby with the BLUEST eyes!  Kim's mom had passed away suddenly a week before Audra was born.  Andrew's mom  lived about an hour away.  Kyle and I were right here and got to play like we were grandparents quite often.  I thought of myself as her grandma, but did not want that name.  I knew she would need to call me something, but none of the traditional names seemed right or they were a little too 'family' like.  I am not her Grammy, her Grandmother, her Mawmaw, nor her Mimi. I needed a name that fit me.  Seemed like I had a little bit of time, though...she was still little.

One of those Friday nights last fall, we headed up to a game near Jacksonville, TX.  Fast food was always on the menu as we traveled to these games, so we ended up at Kentucky Fried Chicken.  It was mid November when I walked into the restaurant.      It was pretty crowded, so the food took a while to be prepared.  As I waited, I looked around the room.  Lots of young people headed to the game, a few older couples, and one young family that stood out.  They had two daughters that were both dressed in PJs and robes.  It was no where near bedtime, so their clothes caught my eye  I listened as the older girl talked and talked.  She might have been 4.  She was very cute,and talked non-stop!  She turned at one point and looked right at me, so I smiled at her.  She took this as an invitation to talk.  "We are on our way to see Honey and Pop!  They are going on the train with us.  We haven't ever been on a train before!"  I wasn't sure which train she might have been talking about, but her mother jumped in with an explanation.  "Honey and Pop are my mom and dad.  We are meeting them at the Polar Express Train in Tyler."  I knew that they did this during the holidays, a real life recreation of the Polar Express movie for young kids complete with a train ride and hot chocolate.  How fun!

Honey and Pop...Honey and Pop...something about those names just spoke to me.  Maybe I could be Honey for Audra.  That seemed right!  I came home and told Kim about meeting the little girl.  I mentioned that  I'd like to steal the name and use it with Audra.  We agreed that Audra would probably come up with her own name for us, but that those would be good ones!

Fast forward to Christmas.  We had Andrew and Kim over for a Christmas get together.  We all exchanged gifts.  I have no idea what we got them, not even what we got for Audra.  What I remember is what they got me.  A beautiful box that held a very pretty silver key chain...the key chain opened and was a locket.  No pic of Audra (and I still have not remembered to put one in there!), but on the inside it said  "To Honey, Love Audra".  I had a name!!

Audra is now 19 months old.  She is walking everywhere, talks all of the time,  sings, loves Welch's fruit snacks and the puppies.  She is funny, curious, bossy, a little spoiled (we could not help ourselves!), and is going to be a big sister in November.  She is growing up into a delightful child that everyone loves.  For me, though, she is the grandbaby I have not officially had yet.  Kim asks her "Do you want to go see Honey and Pop?" and her eyes light up!  She has this way of shaking her fists when she is excited, and that is usually her reaction to this question.  She loves Pop just like I remember K'Lynn, Ryan and Hannah loving his dad, PawPaw.  She will go to Pop from almost anyone.  She gets excited about the books he reads to her and enjoys just sitting in his lap and watching our puppies.  Blood or no blood, this is Kyle's (Pop's) grandbaby!

I am enjoying the role of "Honey".  Audra loves to come to my house and to pull my yellow step stool around the kitchen.  She counts on the fact that I will have lots of fruit snacks.  She gets down on her hands and knees and plays in the dog's water bowl.  I buy  Dr. Seuss hardcover books so that Pop can read to Audra when she is here.  I sit in the recliner with her and we play with  Lucy and Cooper.  I let her play with my phone and she know just how to go to the pictures and to watch videos (almost all of her).  I ask if she can come to stay with me at the house often.  We walk around in the yard and I give her baths in the sink when needed.  I find myself doing many of the things MawMaw (Kyle's Mom) used to do when my kids were little like gathering all of her things and sending them home in a Walmart sack or sending a plastic container home with her of some food that she enjoyed.  This doesn't trouble me at all, since MawMaw was a great example.  Also like MawMaw, I invite Kim and Andrew over often to have supper with us.  I don't really think I cooked the first two or three years of our marriage.  We ate with Kyle's parents really often because they wanted to see K'Lynn and then Ryan.  Worked for us!  Lol!!  Don't get me wrong- we love Kim and Andrew too, but Audra is a big part of this!

I am happy to have become Honey this past year. When Kim and Andrew's new baby comes in November, I will continue with this role, then to two little girls.  Audra and Autumn.   Someday, Ryan and Courtney, K'Lynn (and someone!) and even Hannah (and someone!) will have children of their own.  I will love them all, but Audra will always be the first.  Not sure if the grand babies to come will call us Honey and Pop also, but I bet they will.  Becoming Honey has been the best!!

Trusting Him in you...

As a believer, I come with certain gifts.  Each of us has a spiritual gift, unique to that person, but sometimes these take time to see or develop.  God gives us these to prepare us for the tasks He has for us throughout our lives.  He uses these to encourage others, build the kingdom, and make our lives richer.  This is only part of what comes along with the title of believer...there is more.

When I came to faith in Christ at 13, I don't think I really realized what I was signing up for.  I knew I needed to have a personal relationship with Christ, but did not understand that the Holy Spirit was going to be part of the deal.  The Holy Spirit...this invisible, odorless, tasteless, impossible to explain manifestation of God that comes to dwell in each person that accepts Christ as their savior...He was part of the package.

When people in my life make decisions that don't seem to make the most sense, I have to look at the whole situation.  Does it line up with the gospel?  Or better yet, is there anything that really does NOT line up with the bible?  If it isn't illegal, immoral, or harmful to their health, chances are that it might be the Holy Spirit's prompting.  Now, there has to be nothing that would be contrary to the gospel, or that would not be the HS.  He, being part of the Godhead, could not lead me in a way that was not pure.  The trick is listening and using discernment about whether I am hearing God's prompting, or that of something else.

When K'Lynn came home for a visit at Thanksgiving a few years ago, she became terribly homesick.  She was more than just homesick, though...God was preparing her for a move.  Something that made little sense to others...to leave a very good job in New Mexico and to move back home into a bedroom with her little sister in Anderson, TX.  I know some questioned her decision.  I know the people she was working for thought she was just young and immature, missed her family,  and was going back home for those reasons.  Not true, though.  She was following the leading of the Holy Spirit.  She did leave New Mexico, she moved to a little house here in Anderson with us, and God honored her obedience.  He provided her with a season of reflection.  He gave her time to work on herself for a while.  He allowed her to be here for a very scary accident and a couple of job changes.  All of this prepared her for the day when God opened the door for a great teaching job in Waco- exactly where she was supposed to be.  What others saw as foolish perhaps, we saw as God's hand.

I remember telling my dad we were moving to Anderson.  He said "I just hate to see you go to a little dead end town like that..."  which insulted me deeply.   I remember thinking at the time (and saying to Kyle) "Why can't he just trust the Holy Spirit to speak to us?".  Turns out, he was wrong about Anderson.  Some of our best success and growth has happened here.  All ordained, all designed by a loving  Father who wants the best for us and this community.

I suppose I am writing this to encourage you to weigh each situation out before passing judgement.  God has equipped us with the Holy Spirit, but He doesn't tell all of us the same thing.  He has a different plan for each of us.  My directions from Him may not be what you think is best.  Your direction from Him might confuse me.  None of this makes it wrong...just personalized.  Listen closely...follow willingly....He will direct you paths.  Blessings!!

Visiting my past...

Recently I spent two days in ABQ.  Had the opportunity to go visit some familiar places like our house at 4305 Barrett Ave. and the Cottonwood Mall.  Also went to my favorite store, Real Deals.  I drove past the homes of friends and acquaintances, wondering how they all were.  I drove past the church we used to attend and was so sad to see it is such disrepair.  I had real mixed emotions while being there.  

Here is the brief story.  God moved us out of ABQ almost exactly 5 years ago.  The change was sudden, painful, hard to understand, and totally necessary.  I left friends I had loved for years and some I had only recently met.  I left a job I couldn't believe I actually had and a house I always wanted.  I left without explanation to many and I am not sure if they still know all of the reasons why.  The reasons are complicated and not suitable for mentioning here, but they were ordained by our Father.  He had other plans, so the current situation had to change.  I always did trust that.

It has taken me all of these 5 years to become comfortable being here again.  I said initially that I never wanted to return.  God opened a door to a job that made this part of my territory, so I have been forced to face this area a few times already.  Each time I visit, it gets a little easier.  Today, though, was different...

People in ABQ that live on the East side feel that the West side is realllyyyyyy far away (for the record it isn't).  The drive across Paseo Del Norte and the bridge that takes you over the Rio Grande River is a pretty one.  I made that trek today and had a lot of time to think.  I realized as I crossed over the river that it no longer hurt to remember living here.  I can now think about the happier times and not be so overwhelmed with the hurt and pain that I experienced.  It was such a freeing feeling that God gave me.  I know He gave it to me, because without His peace, the hurt would have remained as it was before.  I even had a fleeting thought to just drive up to the home of a former friend and let her know that I was doing so well.  The thought of that was a little too much, though, and I decided against it.  I did allow myself to drive to the new church that Kyle had worked to hard to plan.  That was an experience.  When we left, there was only a concrete foundation.   Now there is a finished building.  Again, I know God was directing me because my main feeling was detachment.  Not jealousy or a longing to have been a part of the work...actually the strongest feeling I had was gratitude for where God has us now.

I am so thankful for the hard times we experienced.  Can you believe I am saying that?  I can't, but it is totally true.  I am so thankful for the journey that led us to Anderson.   I am not sure how my life would be without the friends that I have made there, not to mention the old friends we have re-connected with.  God's plans are perfect, His timing is always right on time, and He works the things the devil plans for our demise together for His glory.  Please remember this when times get hard...God has a reason for every tear, every heartbreak, every moment of sadness.  Look for the rainbow after the storm.  They only come after the rain ends.  Hold on...  Blessings.  

To love and to cherish....

Although no one is saying any vows at this point in my family, I have had the idea of vows on my mind.  I think remembering what the marriage vows say is always important, even in new relationships.   To have and to hold, to love and to cherish, from this day forward...or something  like that.  If you cannot say that you love and cherish your special someone, then wait on the one that you do cherish.  Love is not enough....  

I have told my girls that the word cherish is such an important one.  It seems that "I love you" comes pretty quickly and somewhat easily for some couples.  I remember saying that I knew I loved Kyle when I met him.  It was true, but the feeling of cherishing him came with time. I grew to cherish him by having sweet conversations and reading his handwritten letters. It grew as I watched him handle hard situations and make tough decisions.  It became so evident that I did not just love him when watching him at the birth of each child and while seeing him raise our kids to love the Lord.   Today, that idea of love and cherishing him is fueled by the respect I have for him as a spiritual leader and as Pop to little Audra.  I have always loved him- but I truly cherish him too.  

Not everyone is ready to cherish another person.  They want to be loved, but may not see the need to really commit like that to another.  Cherishing for me means I appreciate the person more that I appreciate myself.  That comes with time and maturity.  Most parents experience this when babies are born. You just are overwhelmed with the feelings of love and devotion to that child.  You would lay down your life for that baby...I want the same feeling to be present for my girls with the person God sends for them to share their lives with.  

As always, I am praying for these unknown men- wherever they are.  I want  them to know that I love them already because God selected them to father my grandchildren and to spend their lives with my daughters.    I prayed for Courtney, my son's precious wife, for many years before I met her.  God honored those prayers and provided Ryan with a woman that checked off every box on my list.  She cherishes him and he cherishes her. Love is not enough sometimes. Their relationship will last.  

I guess my point is- don't settle  for love only.  Seek to find that person that God has for you that will truly cherish you.  You deserve it...so do they.  Blessings.   

Moving on...in a completely unexpected direction

One year ago, my baby girl left for Honduras with a broken heart.  A long term relationship had come to an end (again)  and she was so broken.  The trip was one that I had prayed would bring healing, closure and perspective.  Instead, it brought an illness that brought our mission work to an end for several days, leaving her to think a lot.  By the end of that week, she was not really healed at all.  She came back with a renewed committment to making this relationship work out- somehow. 

Fast forward a few months, and the relationship did resume.  Not fixed, but limping along.  Same old issues, I guess, and eventually the same end.  Another break up, and this time without a desire on her part to work it out again.  A few weeks passed, and another young man entered the picture.  He was good to her.  He spoke sweetly to her.  He showed her that the relationship she had thought was so real for so long, was really not all that it should have been.  This boy gave her some much needed perspective.  Nothing wrong with this guy at all, except that he lived more than 100 miles away.  Even my overly-romantic heart realized that was a long way to drive. 

Honduras this year approached, and my baby girl was still "talking" to the long distance fellow.  I sent her off on an airplane with her Dad and several others expecting her to return to pick up with him where she left off.  I expected that, but God apparently had some other ideas...

Her daddy mentioned him first.  "There is a guy on this trip with a crush on her" he said.  "Really?  Well, she has a fellow..." was my reply.  Later in the week. pictures started to show up on Instagram and FB with her and a cute dark haired kid I had never seen before.  Friendly face, sweet smile...hmmmm.  Maybe her daddy was right...

I met them at the airport.  She was happy, smiling a lot...introduced me to her new friends from the other church.  This fellow was among them.  On the way home, she explained how she was probably done talking with the long distance guy.  Sweet kid, but she felt that it was time to move on.  I did notice that she was texting a lot.  Thought it might be with him...letting him down gently.  Nope, it was the new fellow.  Hmmm...didn't you JUST leave him?  Lol!

I do not know where this is going long term.  I do know this.  My prayer from last summer took a year to be answered.  God's timing is perfect.  So are His plans.  The healing of her heart is finally happening.  Old wounds can now close up.  She is moving on.  God is good. 

Opportunities...

God provides us with lots of opportunities in our lives.  Some of them seem obvious, some of them are subtle.  Once in a while, He makes things so clear that we have no choice but to see how He is working.  This has been one of those situations for K'Lynn this month.

She wanted a dog, first of all.  She loves our puppies, Cooper and Lucy.  She asked her roomates, but the answer seemed to be 'no'.  She waited until her lease was getting close to up and purchased Evie, a beautiful chocolate lab.  She talked to the breeder about keeping her until K'Lynn moved into a new place.  This worked out for a while, but she missed her so much!  She eventually talked the roommates into allowing her to bring Evie early.  It was touchy, but K'Lynn really enjoyed having the companionship.  She eventually decided that this wasn't a good fit and that she needed to move out sooner.   She began to look, but everything was so expensive.  If she were to move early, she would have to pay double rent for a while.  At almost $800/month, she could not make it work.  She mentioned her search at school and one of the students heard about it.  She told K'Lynn that her family had an apartment attatched to their home and that it was opening soon.  Although reluctant, she went and looked at it.  Tiny, but very affordable and it had a fenced back yard for Evie! She put down the deposit and moved in last Saturday.  We went over to help and got her settled in.  What a great opportunity for her to have a great place of her own!  God truly provided!

On Friday afternoon prior to the move,  her brother called with a question.  Would she be available to come to Birmingham to spend the rest of the summer working with the Orange Team at Student Life?  Oh my...had not expected this...uh...opportunity.  By Sunday, it seemed to be a done deal.  So much for a summer, I guess!  God had made everything fall into place, though, so it seemed like a no-brainer.  What about Evie, though?  Oh yes...the new landlady!!  Evie will be in her very own yard, playing with her very own toys until her 'mama' returns home in several weeks.  K'Lynn went over Sunday night to secure the final details with her landlady and to drop off post-dated checks.  One last confirmation needed that this was a God thing?  OK...the landlady asked her to take $200/month off of each check.  She did not feel right about charging her the full rent since she was not going to be there.  Wow...just wow!

She flew out this morning.  Her dadddy and Hannah drove her to Houston super early and saw her off.  I talked to her a few times and her trip was smooth.  Ryan picked her up at the airport and drove her to Covenant College for her first night of worship.  She was anxious and excited.  She was also very clear on Who to give the credit to for all of this.  Now...since God is into details and big plans...maybe there is a husband for her at one of these camps??  My mouth to His ears....:-)

Watch for those opportunities...He is working things out for your good all of the time!!

The things you cannot see...

I have been thinking a lot lately about the pain each of us carries that no one else can see. It can be physical or emotional. Either way, it is virtually invisible to the outside world. Sometimes others can see it, but only if they choose to look closely. Most of the time, though, we carry it alone. If you have never felt this, count yourself lucky. If you know what I mean, then you are in good company.

I began thinking of this two years ago when I was preparing for a hysterectomy. I walked into a store the day before the surgery to buy new slippers for the hospital. The thought crossed my mind that I must look to anyone else just like an ordinary gal that needed new house shoes. On the inside, though, all of the "what if"s were playing over and over in my head. I thought about how this preoccupation with the surgery and my fear caused me to be a little rude to those around me. I was completely self-absorbed. As I made it though the surgery, I realized I had worried for nothing. God was in control and His plan was for me to recover quickly and fully. In the moment, though, I was hurting emotionally with no one to console me. My faith in God got me through, but it was still hard.

My youngest, Hannah, experiences this silent and hidden pain. We have spent the last 4 days dealing with another round of ovarian cyst pain and everything that goes along with it. It is one of those vague, hard to describe types of pain that tends to be dismissed by many medical professionals. In the ER last night, a very well meaning doctor admitted that the problem was " something female related" and gave us meds for pain. He really did not know what else to do, but at least he addressed the main and immediate problem. Anyone that has not experienced this probably does not really understand it. She misses school, she cannot do many of the things expected in athletics at times, and seems to complain a lot to some. In reality, she is tough as nails and this is very painful. I have seen her suck it up and do whatever needed done, even though she was hurting so badly. I know that she will be a much stronger person for getting through this. It is my job in the mean time to support her through the invisible pain.

I have friends that live with Lupus, Fibromyalgia, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Osteoarthritis, Anxiety, Depression, feelings of despair....the list goes on and on. It is not like having a broken bone that you get a cast on for everyone to sign. These are conditions that usually have no outward symptoms, but the pain is very real. The good news is that God sees that pain. He wants us to lean on Him for strength and support. He can meet our needs and heal our pain.

I guess I am putting this out there as a pledge that I will try to be more sensitive to those around me in pain of any type. I will do what I can to help, even if that is just acknowledging it's existence. Everyone needs to feel heard and validated. Love you all....