In January???

Darn this ADD! I cannot focus...maybe it is the warm weather and sunshine that makes me feel that I am racing around with no real direction. It is January, right? Why is it 73 degrees outside? I want to be in the flowerbeds and planting Gerber Daisies, not inputting data and making phone calls!

ok...I feel a little better now...

bottled up

I feel so anxious tonight. I don't really know why. I feel physically kinda rough. I am emotionally pretty tired. I feel a lot of pressure regarding cleaning my house and getting everything done. I am supposed to start going to weight watchers again tomorrow morning. I have eated like a PIG all day- not sure if it is a last hurrah or just my own lack of self control. I have a headache and my face is broken out. I have horrible cramps and wish I could go to bed right now. I discovered one of the windows near the door is cracked. I can't fit any of my clothes. Need I go on? I am exhausted.

Know what is funny? Despite all of this...no matter what this list of gripes contains, I feel very content and satisfied. I know that God is in charge of my life. I know that the weight I hate so much is exactly where God has me right now for whatever reason. I know that cramps pass eventually and tomorrow will look and feel a lot better. I know that the dirty house I live in is just part of life sometimes. I know that the good out-weighs the bad in my life ALWAYS.

Lets list the good things (in NO particular order!!):

• I got a new haircut and I think I like it.
• I have cheap rent and a very quaint old house.
• HOUSE starts Monday night (!!)
• My checking account isn't in the red!!!
• My husband LOVES me- despite all of the things listed at the top of this entry.
• I have AMAZING children- all 3 of them and for very different reasons.
• I am married to my best friend
• I love my sister and am so glad she is my best female friend.
• God loves me and has a plan for me
• Jesus died for my sins.

Long enough...good outweighs bad every time!

Crazy messy life...

I have such a crazy, messy life. One day I can have most of my things in order- bills paid on time, laundry caught up, living room straightened up, etc... I am not too bad at this being a mom thing! I have finally gotten the hang of this...I think... But the next day, though, I come home to find total disorder. Shoes in every room, dishes stacked up in the kitchen sink, and a past due notice from some forgotten debtor. I then begin to feel that I must be a failure... Why would I have ever though that I was getting better at this assignment God has given me? I obviously stink at it! Tonight was a good example of this.

Worked from home yesterday. I did cook supper and had a lot of dishes (and I mean A LOT) left from this event. I had open house last night at the school and therefore wasn't home. Also, a last minute trip to Walmart stole more of my evening. Up early this morning and out the door. I had hoped to be home by 5 pm, but a change in appointments moved that time to 7 pm. I got here and supper was ready(thanks Sissy!), but not much else had changed. Laundry still piled up... lots of dishes still dirty (Sissy did many of them, in her defense), and me without any energy. I just want to go to bed, if I was honest. I am tired, I am achy, and I am a little grumpy! I want to be better than this...I need to be better than this...

I want to get this all in order soon. I need to clean the house (again)...I need to do the laundry (again)... I need to get organized (for the first time!)...I need to feel like I am in control!
Now that I have written this, I immediately see the problem. I need to feel like I am in control??? I can't control my own appetite, much less my whole life!! I need to put God back in the driver seat. Would that mean that I would always come home to a clean house? No... Would this mean I would never get behind on laundry or dishes? No...Or that I would never forget to send in a payment? Oh no. BUT it might mean that I can keep these things in perspective. That I can relax a little bit and not worry so much about the little details. Maybe that I can worry more about being the person Christ wants me to be and less about the person the world tells me to be. I want to get this right. I really need to work on this... I will keep you posted on my progress.

I really wanted to send the stupid email...

Tried to send an email tonight to tell a total jerk that he is just that. Had a battle of the wills going on in my head and the holy spirit won. Here is how it went:

Me: This guy is a jerk! If I dont' tell him all the things he's done wrong, he won't know!
HS: Let us take care of this...you are going to stir up some trouble that you don't need.
Me: But, wait! His church doen't know that he is a liar- they don't know what really happened- I need to tell him!
HS: Unless you plan to fly back there and tell each individual, you telling him won't accomplish that anyway. Be still and know that He is God...
Me: but I am mad and it has been over a year and he has never appologized and he told lies about what happened and, and , and...
HS: Hit cancel
Me: but God!!!
HS: Hit cancel...that email will do no good and might cause harm...HIT CANCEL.

I did. It reminded me of something Beth Moore said at the only conference of hers I ever attended:" Shall I defend my flesh or demonstrate the Spirit?"

Thankfully this time I chose to demonstrate His wonderful Spirit. Make me worthy of this, God...I am trying here!

Sleep well guys!