Why am I not enough?

Caught you off guard with the title, huh?  By now, you are wondering- is Becky ok? (I am!) Is her marriage ok? (It is!)  Is she depressed (Not especially)  No, it is none of those things.  I am just asking a question that I know runs through the minds of most of us (if we are honest) from time to time. Here are a few examples.

Spoke recently with a man whose wife suffers from depression.  It affects every part of their life.  It affects her self-esteem, her self-worth, her motivation, her reactions to others, her job and even her health.  It affects his life too, because he is wondering why he is not enough to make her happy.  He wonders if he made more money, brought her flowers, talked more sweetly to her, if, if, if...would these things make her happy?  Probably not...

I had a friend in high school that I had not seen in many years.  We used to be very close, actually dated for a while, but life happened and we were no longer in touch.  I got a call one day telling me that he had killed himself.  He was married to a beautiful lady, had sweet children, had a good job...the basic things most people value in life.  For him, though, it was not enough.  The problem was internal.  It could not be fixed by someone else.  He was a believer in Christ, although I know nothing of his relationship with God since he was a teenager.  Even this relationship did not ensure that he would reach a point of 'happiness'.  His problems were deeper-they were medical, chemical, not just due to any situation.  I also learned that they had diagnosed him with bipolar disorder a few years prior to his suicide.  This was a big factor I am sure in his decision making process.  Not his wife, not his kids, not his parents, not his job...nothing was enough to make him want to live another day.  No one was 'enough'.

We are doing a study in our Sunday School class on insecurity.  I have learned through this class that almost any problem I can think of comes down to insecurity on some level.  This same insecurity also gives us a skewed perception of reality.  We see and hear what we want to see and hear, based on our perception of truth.  "I think I am too fat" is a great example of a common insecurity that many of us have.  Here is how that plays out in our day to day:

1.  I think I am too fat ....so

2. I am self conscious about how I look....so

3. I don't value myself as much as I should....so

4. I accept less than I deserve in relationships, jobs, situations...so

5. I have less than I could have from life...so

6. I become depressed....so

7. I overeat...so

8. I become bigger than I was before...so

9. I think I am too fat.

Ugly cycle, isn't it?

Those insecurities are tough enough to deal with when it is in your own head.  When it is in the mind of someone you love, it is almost impossible.  I know this from experience- on both sides of the equation.  I have been the insecure one and I have loved an insecure one.  Both are tough.  How do we work harder?  How can we be 'enough'?

 We have looked at the problem for a while now...what might be the answer?

Philippians 4:7

King James Version (KJV)

7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

This is the answer for both the insecure one, and the one that loves them.  We can not be enough, not for ourselves nor for anyone else.  God is the only one that can give us peace. .  It is that peace that we need.  With it, the issues of life seem manageable. 

So, I guess the answer to the question of "Why am I not enough", is that no one was designed to be enough for anyone else.  There is a gap in each of us that only God can fill.  No one will ever be able to be 'enough'.  Whew!  That is a relief, because I have no idea how to do that for anyone.  So thankful that God is enough.  HE is enough today, tomorrow and forever.  HE is enough in trouble, in peace, and in joy.  He is enough.

Becoming Honey...

Last year, we attended lots of football games.  Week after week, we traveled on Fridays to stadiums miles and miles away from our home to watch one team play.  It was fun, and we enjoyed it a lot, but I took something away from that football season that I will keep forever- a new name.

Andrew (my 'son', not by birth but choice) and Kim (his sweet wife and also a child of mine by choice) had a baby a year and a half ago.  Audra was the prettiest baby with the BLUEST eyes!  Kim's mom had passed away suddenly a week before Audra was born.  Andrew's mom  lived about an hour away.  Kyle and I were right here and got to play like we were grandparents quite often.  I thought of myself as her grandma, but did not want that name.  I knew she would need to call me something, but none of the traditional names seemed right or they were a little too 'family' like.  I am not her Grammy, her Grandmother, her Mawmaw, nor her Mimi. I needed a name that fit me.  Seemed like I had a little bit of time, though...she was still little.

One of those Friday nights last fall, we headed up to a game near Jacksonville, TX.  Fast food was always on the menu as we traveled to these games, so we ended up at Kentucky Fried Chicken.  It was mid November when I walked into the restaurant.      It was pretty crowded, so the food took a while to be prepared.  As I waited, I looked around the room.  Lots of young people headed to the game, a few older couples, and one young family that stood out.  They had two daughters that were both dressed in PJs and robes.  It was no where near bedtime, so their clothes caught my eye  I listened as the older girl talked and talked.  She might have been 4.  She was very cute,and talked non-stop!  She turned at one point and looked right at me, so I smiled at her.  She took this as an invitation to talk.  "We are on our way to see Honey and Pop!  They are going on the train with us.  We haven't ever been on a train before!"  I wasn't sure which train she might have been talking about, but her mother jumped in with an explanation.  "Honey and Pop are my mom and dad.  We are meeting them at the Polar Express Train in Tyler."  I knew that they did this during the holidays, a real life recreation of the Polar Express movie for young kids complete with a train ride and hot chocolate.  How fun!

Honey and Pop...Honey and Pop...something about those names just spoke to me.  Maybe I could be Honey for Audra.  That seemed right!  I came home and told Kim about meeting the little girl.  I mentioned that  I'd like to steal the name and use it with Audra.  We agreed that Audra would probably come up with her own name for us, but that those would be good ones!

Fast forward to Christmas.  We had Andrew and Kim over for a Christmas get together.  We all exchanged gifts.  I have no idea what we got them, not even what we got for Audra.  What I remember is what they got me.  A beautiful box that held a very pretty silver key chain...the key chain opened and was a locket.  No pic of Audra (and I still have not remembered to put one in there!), but on the inside it said  "To Honey, Love Audra".  I had a name!!

Audra is now 19 months old.  She is walking everywhere, talks all of the time,  sings, loves Welch's fruit snacks and the puppies.  She is funny, curious, bossy, a little spoiled (we could not help ourselves!), and is going to be a big sister in November.  She is growing up into a delightful child that everyone loves.  For me, though, she is the grandbaby I have not officially had yet.  Kim asks her "Do you want to go see Honey and Pop?" and her eyes light up!  She has this way of shaking her fists when she is excited, and that is usually her reaction to this question.  She loves Pop just like I remember K'Lynn, Ryan and Hannah loving his dad, PawPaw.  She will go to Pop from almost anyone.  She gets excited about the books he reads to her and enjoys just sitting in his lap and watching our puppies.  Blood or no blood, this is Kyle's (Pop's) grandbaby!

I am enjoying the role of "Honey".  Audra loves to come to my house and to pull my yellow step stool around the kitchen.  She counts on the fact that I will have lots of fruit snacks.  She gets down on her hands and knees and plays in the dog's water bowl.  I buy  Dr. Seuss hardcover books so that Pop can read to Audra when she is here.  I sit in the recliner with her and we play with  Lucy and Cooper.  I let her play with my phone and she know just how to go to the pictures and to watch videos (almost all of her).  I ask if she can come to stay with me at the house often.  We walk around in the yard and I give her baths in the sink when needed.  I find myself doing many of the things MawMaw (Kyle's Mom) used to do when my kids were little like gathering all of her things and sending them home in a Walmart sack or sending a plastic container home with her of some food that she enjoyed.  This doesn't trouble me at all, since MawMaw was a great example.  Also like MawMaw, I invite Kim and Andrew over often to have supper with us.  I don't really think I cooked the first two or three years of our marriage.  We ate with Kyle's parents really often because they wanted to see K'Lynn and then Ryan.  Worked for us!  Lol!!  Don't get me wrong- we love Kim and Andrew too, but Audra is a big part of this!

I am happy to have become Honey this past year. When Kim and Andrew's new baby comes in November, I will continue with this role, then to two little girls.  Audra and Autumn.   Someday, Ryan and Courtney, K'Lynn (and someone!) and even Hannah (and someone!) will have children of their own.  I will love them all, but Audra will always be the first.  Not sure if the grand babies to come will call us Honey and Pop also, but I bet they will.  Becoming Honey has been the best!!

Trusting Him in you...

As a believer, I come with certain gifts.  Each of us has a spiritual gift, unique to that person, but sometimes these take time to see or develop.  God gives us these to prepare us for the tasks He has for us throughout our lives.  He uses these to encourage others, build the kingdom, and make our lives richer.  This is only part of what comes along with the title of believer...there is more.

When I came to faith in Christ at 13, I don't think I really realized what I was signing up for.  I knew I needed to have a personal relationship with Christ, but did not understand that the Holy Spirit was going to be part of the deal.  The Holy Spirit...this invisible, odorless, tasteless, impossible to explain manifestation of God that comes to dwell in each person that accepts Christ as their savior...He was part of the package.

When people in my life make decisions that don't seem to make the most sense, I have to look at the whole situation.  Does it line up with the gospel?  Or better yet, is there anything that really does NOT line up with the bible?  If it isn't illegal, immoral, or harmful to their health, chances are that it might be the Holy Spirit's prompting.  Now, there has to be nothing that would be contrary to the gospel, or that would not be the HS.  He, being part of the Godhead, could not lead me in a way that was not pure.  The trick is listening and using discernment about whether I am hearing God's prompting, or that of something else.

When K'Lynn came home for a visit at Thanksgiving a few years ago, she became terribly homesick.  She was more than just homesick, though...God was preparing her for a move.  Something that made little sense to others...to leave a very good job in New Mexico and to move back home into a bedroom with her little sister in Anderson, TX.  I know some questioned her decision.  I know the people she was working for thought she was just young and immature, missed her family,  and was going back home for those reasons.  Not true, though.  She was following the leading of the Holy Spirit.  She did leave New Mexico, she moved to a little house here in Anderson with us, and God honored her obedience.  He provided her with a season of reflection.  He gave her time to work on herself for a while.  He allowed her to be here for a very scary accident and a couple of job changes.  All of this prepared her for the day when God opened the door for a great teaching job in Waco- exactly where she was supposed to be.  What others saw as foolish perhaps, we saw as God's hand.

I remember telling my dad we were moving to Anderson.  He said "I just hate to see you go to a little dead end town like that..."  which insulted me deeply.   I remember thinking at the time (and saying to Kyle) "Why can't he just trust the Holy Spirit to speak to us?".  Turns out, he was wrong about Anderson.  Some of our best success and growth has happened here.  All ordained, all designed by a loving  Father who wants the best for us and this community.

I suppose I am writing this to encourage you to weigh each situation out before passing judgement.  God has equipped us with the Holy Spirit, but He doesn't tell all of us the same thing.  He has a different plan for each of us.  My directions from Him may not be what you think is best.  Your direction from Him might confuse me.  None of this makes it wrong...just personalized.  Listen closely...follow willingly....He will direct you paths.  Blessings!!

Visiting my past...

Recently I spent two days in ABQ.  Had the opportunity to go visit some familiar places like our house at 4305 Barrett Ave. and the Cottonwood Mall.  Also went to my favorite store, Real Deals.  I drove past the homes of friends and acquaintances, wondering how they all were.  I drove past the church we used to attend and was so sad to see it is such disrepair.  I had real mixed emotions while being there.  

Here is the brief story.  God moved us out of ABQ almost exactly 5 years ago.  The change was sudden, painful, hard to understand, and totally necessary.  I left friends I had loved for years and some I had only recently met.  I left a job I couldn't believe I actually had and a house I always wanted.  I left without explanation to many and I am not sure if they still know all of the reasons why.  The reasons are complicated and not suitable for mentioning here, but they were ordained by our Father.  He had other plans, so the current situation had to change.  I always did trust that.

It has taken me all of these 5 years to become comfortable being here again.  I said initially that I never wanted to return.  God opened a door to a job that made this part of my territory, so I have been forced to face this area a few times already.  Each time I visit, it gets a little easier.  Today, though, was different...

People in ABQ that live on the East side feel that the West side is realllyyyyyy far away (for the record it isn't).  The drive across Paseo Del Norte and the bridge that takes you over the Rio Grande River is a pretty one.  I made that trek today and had a lot of time to think.  I realized as I crossed over the river that it no longer hurt to remember living here.  I can now think about the happier times and not be so overwhelmed with the hurt and pain that I experienced.  It was such a freeing feeling that God gave me.  I know He gave it to me, because without His peace, the hurt would have remained as it was before.  I even had a fleeting thought to just drive up to the home of a former friend and let her know that I was doing so well.  The thought of that was a little too much, though, and I decided against it.  I did allow myself to drive to the new church that Kyle had worked to hard to plan.  That was an experience.  When we left, there was only a concrete foundation.   Now there is a finished building.  Again, I know God was directing me because my main feeling was detachment.  Not jealousy or a longing to have been a part of the work...actually the strongest feeling I had was gratitude for where God has us now.

I am so thankful for the hard times we experienced.  Can you believe I am saying that?  I can't, but it is totally true.  I am so thankful for the journey that led us to Anderson.   I am not sure how my life would be without the friends that I have made there, not to mention the old friends we have re-connected with.  God's plans are perfect, His timing is always right on time, and He works the things the devil plans for our demise together for His glory.  Please remember this when times get hard...God has a reason for every tear, every heartbreak, every moment of sadness.  Look for the rainbow after the storm.  They only come after the rain ends.  Hold on...  Blessings.  

To love and to cherish....

Although no one is saying any vows at this point in my family, I have had the idea of vows on my mind.  I think remembering what the marriage vows say is always important, even in new relationships.   To have and to hold, to love and to cherish, from this day forward...or something  like that.  If you cannot say that you love and cherish your special someone, then wait on the one that you do cherish.  Love is not enough....  

I have told my girls that the word cherish is such an important one.  It seems that "I love you" comes pretty quickly and somewhat easily for some couples.  I remember saying that I knew I loved Kyle when I met him.  It was true, but the feeling of cherishing him came with time. I grew to cherish him by having sweet conversations and reading his handwritten letters. It grew as I watched him handle hard situations and make tough decisions.  It became so evident that I did not just love him when watching him at the birth of each child and while seeing him raise our kids to love the Lord.   Today, that idea of love and cherishing him is fueled by the respect I have for him as a spiritual leader and as Pop to little Audra.  I have always loved him- but I truly cherish him too.  

Not everyone is ready to cherish another person.  They want to be loved, but may not see the need to really commit like that to another.  Cherishing for me means I appreciate the person more that I appreciate myself.  That comes with time and maturity.  Most parents experience this when babies are born. You just are overwhelmed with the feelings of love and devotion to that child.  You would lay down your life for that baby...I want the same feeling to be present for my girls with the person God sends for them to share their lives with.  

As always, I am praying for these unknown men- wherever they are.  I want  them to know that I love them already because God selected them to father my grandchildren and to spend their lives with my daughters.    I prayed for Courtney, my son's precious wife, for many years before I met her.  God honored those prayers and provided Ryan with a woman that checked off every box on my list.  She cherishes him and he cherishes her. Love is not enough sometimes. Their relationship will last.  

I guess my point is- don't settle  for love only.  Seek to find that person that God has for you that will truly cherish you.  You deserve it...so do they.  Blessings.   

Moving on...in a completely unexpected direction

One year ago, my baby girl left for Honduras with a broken heart.  A long term relationship had come to an end (again)  and she was so broken.  The trip was one that I had prayed would bring healing, closure and perspective.  Instead, it brought an illness that brought our mission work to an end for several days, leaving her to think a lot.  By the end of that week, she was not really healed at all.  She came back with a renewed committment to making this relationship work out- somehow. 

Fast forward a few months, and the relationship did resume.  Not fixed, but limping along.  Same old issues, I guess, and eventually the same end.  Another break up, and this time without a desire on her part to work it out again.  A few weeks passed, and another young man entered the picture.  He was good to her.  He spoke sweetly to her.  He showed her that the relationship she had thought was so real for so long, was really not all that it should have been.  This boy gave her some much needed perspective.  Nothing wrong with this guy at all, except that he lived more than 100 miles away.  Even my overly-romantic heart realized that was a long way to drive. 

Honduras this year approached, and my baby girl was still "talking" to the long distance fellow.  I sent her off on an airplane with her Dad and several others expecting her to return to pick up with him where she left off.  I expected that, but God apparently had some other ideas...

Her daddy mentioned him first.  "There is a guy on this trip with a crush on her" he said.  "Really?  Well, she has a fellow..." was my reply.  Later in the week. pictures started to show up on Instagram and FB with her and a cute dark haired kid I had never seen before.  Friendly face, sweet smile...hmmmm.  Maybe her daddy was right...

I met them at the airport.  She was happy, smiling a lot...introduced me to her new friends from the other church.  This fellow was among them.  On the way home, she explained how she was probably done talking with the long distance guy.  Sweet kid, but she felt that it was time to move on.  I did notice that she was texting a lot.  Thought it might be with him...letting him down gently.  Nope, it was the new fellow.  Hmmm...didn't you JUST leave him?  Lol!

I do not know where this is going long term.  I do know this.  My prayer from last summer took a year to be answered.  God's timing is perfect.  So are His plans.  The healing of her heart is finally happening.  Old wounds can now close up.  She is moving on.  God is good.