We have been in Jacksonville Florida at the Pastor's conference all weekend. Each day has brought new messages and wonderful music. The 18 hour drive here has really been worth it , although I might tell you differently Monday night when we finally get home.
This morning brought a great message by Paige Patterson on Hosea. Each time we begin a worship session, we start with music, have a sermon, have more music and then a second sermon. Dr. Patterson's message was followed by a really fantastic time of worship. Amazing renditions of familiar hymns...I guess the songs made me go back emotionally to a time when I was a child and these were the normal things you would sing on Sunday mornings. As is always true with my mind, one place then leads me to another place and other memories. One by one, they took me to a place I usually try to avoid- my dad.
I have blogged many times about how much I have always had a strained relationship with him. I had little or no respect for him as a child and as a young adult. He did not treat my mother well He did not provide for our family well. He was a failed pastor of tiny churches that always had turmoil. These are the things that I always believed about him. I have not necessarily changed my mind about these situations, but I have come to question my perception a little.
The words of the song aren't important, but at some point God brought my dad to my mind. Today, my dad is in a nursing home. He has not been on his feet or walked in almost 2 years. He broke his hip and has never recouperated. My mother had him moved from his home town to be only 7 miles from the town we live in now. He is in a small room and has a roommate. He eats all of his meals from his bed. He has a foley cathater. He has to ask for staff to help him with everything he does in a day. It has been quite a change from the life he used to have, in a way. Actually, it is better in so many ways. He is now given attention by people, which he longed for before. He is seen by physicians and therapists, meeting his medical needs. Before he fell and broke his hip, he lived alone. He had no interaction with the world. He was unable to drive, he was unable to go to church, and he was unable to care for himself fully.
This morning, though, I thought of him. Not the bitter, difficult man he was back then, but the broken man he is today. This dad of mine, this improved version, would have loved to have been in this service. The old dad would have been critical of how the service was run, internally jealous of the other pastors, would have criticized how the music was, (too showy, too many musicians, etc...). But not this dad. God has worked on this version of my dad to the point that I think he would have enjoyed it. He would have possibly even raised his hands. And, he would have cried. Cried for all of the years before that so many opportunities were wasted. Thankful for being part of the CHURCH, as opposed to a congregation. The thought of him being there and enjoying this worship time brought me quickly and surprisingly to tears. Only a sniffle and wet eyes at first, but then tears were actually streaming as I began to realize what God was showing me. I had to stop singing, stop participating, and just stand in His presence and to listen.
I think He took me to the session I attended yesterday on forgiveness. It was aimed at marriage, but it goes to all relationsihips. I am being brought to a place of forgiveness for my dad. I am being shown that I am as guilty for ignoring and wasting opportunities as he was. I have been holding myself back from him because of history. He needs this from me and I must give it. I don't know if i can give it away yet, but the time will come.
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